A
female
age
30-35,
*razy lovelife
writes:I am a 19 year old girl and I was seeing a man of 33. We have known each other for nearly 5 years but we were only seeing one another for about a year and a half 2 years. When we first got together he had a girlfriend which I knew about and two kids aged 4 and 6. They lived on a farm where I kept my horses. He came on to me once before and sent me flowers and I told him I really liked him but wouldn't go there because of his family. A few months went on and I had really strong feelings for him now. Me and a girl who had her horse down at his yard as well were going out for a drink one night and she was bringing her partner and she knew that I liked him so she told me to bring him. So we all went out and me and him got quite drunk we only kissed but it was the most amazing kiss I've ever had and he said it felt so right. But the next day we still felt the same towards one another but we knew it was wrong but we couldn't keep our hands off one another so we ended up having sex and it was a bit of fun at first even though we both had strong feelings for one another. But then we started to fall in love with each other. Still with his girlfriend at this point who I know he didn't love, they haven't been getting on for the past couple of years and he wanted to leave her before we even got together but he is a man that likes to keep everything simple and easy for himself so he stayed. They weren't getting on because he never gave her what she wanted she wanted to get married a couple of years after they got together and he didn't want to marry her. She didn't care and went ahead and arranged a wedding without him knowing. And when he found out of course he cancelled it and she went mad at him. So a few months later they were still together and one day she rang him up and said I'm pregnant and he said well you're on the pill so how can you be and she said she was sick and her pill must of come back up. When the first was born she begged him for another child saying she couldn't be an only child he didn't want another one but gave in. After we had been seeing one another for about 5 months she became pregnant again unplanned on the pill again but she so happened to be sick again she told him when she was about 4 and a half months gone. I know what your thinking if they weren't getting on why did they sleep together but keep in mind he is still a man! Two of his sisters were pregnant at the time as well. As they really weren't getting on he suggested that it might be better if she had a termination and then she made him feel bad saying she would get depressed so he went along with her again. Then are affair came out and his family went mad her's went mad and she went crazy. After it came out we stayed together and he moved out even though it's his house but it was easier for her to stay there until he found her some where else to live. His girlfriend well ex girlfriend now was completly unfair to him. Ok what we done was the worst thing out and we have both said sorry over and over. And she isn't sweet and innocent in all of this, she rang me, she came round my house she came up my new yard where my horses were, she got her friends to ring me and come round and leave me letters and voicemails. When she knew me and him were together or going out she would keep ringing both of us saying there was something wrong with the kids he would go over there and nothing would be wrong she wouldn't let him in the house then he would drive off and she would ring him up and say things like you don't care about your kids then. We've been together for ages now, near over a year and she is using the kids against him, she won't let him see them, she shouts at him and hits him in front of the them. One day she did let him have them he was taking them out in the car and she stormed after him in her car cut him up on the road chased him, nearly crashed into the back of his car with the kids in the back. She shouts at the kids when she rings him up so he can hear them crying. She has done so many hurtful things that he doesn't know what to do, he can't stand the thought of what she's doing to get back at him by using there kids. His family and him won't go to see a solicitor because they're all scared of her. She lies to get what she wants and his family think that if they do anything that will upset her she'll do something mad. She said to him if he breaks it off with me he can see them more so I said ok fair enough if you get to have your kids so she let him back for a couple of weeks and now she's gone back to her old ways. Me and him still talk and we're still madly in love and want to be together more then ever but his family then put the guilt trip on him as well as his ex. His ex and her mum just keep saying his never aloud to see the kids again. Has anyone got any idea what he can do to stop his ex doing this to him? And do you think that it's fair that his ex and family have told him he's got to stay single for the rest of his life? His ex has just got a new partner who comes round when the kids are there. I wasn't allowed anywhere near his kids which ok I can understand. But he has been more than fair to her, he has never shouted back at her, he bought her a brand new 4 bedroom house and a brand new car. Can she keep using the kids against him to make sure we stay apart or could we be together and him still see his kids???
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affair, depressed, drunk, ex girlfriend, flowers, his ex, moved out, she lies, the pill, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): Number one if he pays child support for those kids, turn her a** in. If you go to social services and tell them how she is using the children to hurt him and is not thinking about the welfare of those kids she could get them taken away. I had the same problem with my husbands ex. We contacted social services, they concluded that she was emotionally abusive towards his daughter and we were rewarded custody and never had to deal with her selfishness again. She does however get visatation, but she doesn't have near the amount of emotional control she used to over him! hope everything works out!
A
female
reader, crazy lovelife +, writes (19 February 2009):
crazy lovelife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou very much flynn24,tisha-1 and peach 459. Your answers are all very helpful. I just wish his family would agree that a solicitor would help. And tisha-1 you asked if i heard his ex and family say that he has got to stay single i have heard all his family say it. And his ex said that if he does get another girlfriend that not even she will be aloud around his kids. I know her well enough now and even if he does get another girlfriend she will still make it difficult for him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): Cheating was wrong and you are now paying the price for that.
Haviong said that, it does not give his ex the right withhold his children from him and act like she is.
You could dwell and hap on about the things you SHOULD have done. Like wait until he broke things off with his psycho girlfriend if he trully didn;t love her.
He is a coward. Neither of you should ever have let things go as far as they have. This could all have been avoided if he just broke up with his girlfriend long before they even had kids if he was so unhappy in the relationship.
But you didn't. So now everyone is hurt and angry and letting their emotions consume and burn them. Amd this is no way for a civilised person to act.
No one appears to be thinking of what really needs to be thought of right now, not even the families.
The children. They do not deserve to be forced into the middle of this pathetic display of immaturity. They deserve to be loved, even if the parents dispensing that love aren;t together.
It would be crueller to raise them in a relationship that is not working for either parent. It would be crueller to let them see their parents no behaving like adults.
How can they possibly know how to act if they have no decent adult influences. In fact the only adult influences they have are basically saying that it's okay to hurt when you have been hurt. To revenge just because you are wronged.
It isn't.
For their sake get a bloody solicitor and get that little piece of paper that says he is allowed to see his own kids and that if she denies him this, she will go to jail and lose custody.
Force her to be civil and to not let her hurt and the stupid mistakes all of you have made so far hurt the children who should never witness their parents arguing until much older, and much less witness the two parents in what really amounts to a no-holds barred street brawl.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 February 2009):
 The thing that caught my eye in this question was this:
"His family and him won't go to see a solicitor because they're all scared of her."
A solicitor could guide him in making sure his parental rights are protected. Not going to see a solicitor is a very odd decision in such a contentious break up as you have described. This simply does not add up, if he is so concerned to keep his children.
You asked: "Has anyone got any idea what he can do to stop his ex doing this to him?" I honestly do not and I think that only a solicitor can provide really useful advice here. "And do you think that it's fair that his ex and family have told him he's got to stay single for the rest of his life?" Did you actually hear his ex and his family SAY this to him? I'm curious because any man I know would scoff at this kind of silly demand.
"His ex has just got a new partner who comes round when the kids are there. I wasn't allowed anywhere near his kids which ok I can understand. But he has been more than fair to her, he has never shouted back at her, he bought her a brand new 4 bedroom house and a brand new car. Can she keep using the kids against him to make sure we stay apart or could we be together and him still see his kids???" Solicitor, solicitor, solicitor. (My point being that this is a question for a qualified legal professional.) If he's content to let things continue the way they have been, well, then he's made his decision. If he's unhappy, wouldn't he be fighting more? This sounds very suspect to me, I do distrust his honesty and his motives, and I really do think he's created or consented to be in the situation as it stands.
Be very careful here, I think it would be safe to say that the only one who has your best interests at heart here is you. His family clearly do not, and he by his actions, has proven himself to be *ahem* less than reliable.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, peach459 +, writes (18 February 2009):
You poor thing, what a terrible situation for you to be in the middle of... I know you love him with all your heart but there are so many warning signs in your story, the best advice any of us can give you is to stop seeing this man.
His ex sounds absolutely insane, I find it baffling that he stayed with her for so long. He should have left her when it became clear that they wanted such different things, or when he first decided to look elsewhere (when the kids were not even involved!), or when she planned a wedding without his consent-who does that?!
You say that he cheated on this woman, not just with you but with several other women. This is not a good sign. I'm afraid to say that he sounds very selfish, he was playing with her, these other women, and you - ever heard of having your cake and eating it too? If he truly did not want to be with her would have left her long ago. And likewise, if he truly wanted to be with you, he would have left her before she found out and forced his hand.
You have to stop listening to his excuses. He is a grown man, he is responsible for his own decisions. His children, his family, "she begged him", "he's just a man" ... these are all excuses. They aren't even very good excuses.
As I understand it, the latest development of your story is that he has stopped you because of pressure from this woman and his family, meanwhile he has bought her a house and a car. How long are you going to put up with this? How long before he cheats on you too?
This is a bad, bad situation for you. He is using you, lying to you and you are too close to the situation to see it for yourself. I know how hard it must be to contemplate leaving a man that you love so much, but I hope that my letter has given you something to think about. I wish you all the best and I sincerely hope that you do not end up getting hurt.
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A
female
reader, crazy lovelife +, writes (18 February 2009):
crazy lovelife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think that answer is complete rubbish. For one you can't say i will leave him when im older because you don't know how much i love him. And another thing its not his first love he got with other people in the first few months of being with her. He said that he doesn't think he's ever loved her as much as he has done me. Don't get me wrong i can understand why she's upset but to use her kids and hurt them i don't think is fair. He isnt having sex with her anymore hasn't been since she got pregnant which is now over a year ago. He would of left her if it wasn't for the kids you say no one would of stopped him but you don't know his family or her family and he is very easily mislead.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): Remember this girl what goes around comes a round. suppose you were in her shoes how would you feel. I always say this women are there own worst enemy. Idiot girl the guy is playing you he is having sex with both of you. You is the girl on the side, if he wanted break up with his babymother nobody could not stop him. He a smart young man he knows that you are not going to want him in the future because he is 14 years older that you. When you reach 25 he will be 40 years old and you will leave him for a younger male.So that why he wont give up his first love for you. When you get older you will understand what i am saying you are naive to the game.
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