A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Help!!! I have been in the most perfect relationship for circa 18 months now with a girl that means everything in the world to me! I really love her with all my heart! Then 2 days ago I was at this birthday party (with my girlfriend) where also my ex girlfriend showed up later on.Me and my ex girlfriend had been seeing eachother for 3 years in school, since we (I) broke up and have hardly said a word to eachother. Anyway I got quite drunk and as it got kind of late, my ex came up to me and asked me if I would walk home with her since she didn't want to go alone (because we live right near eachother, and nobody else at the party had to go that direction) and I said alright. Well I ended up at her house where I ended up staying overnight and eventually we made out. (but I stopped). The next day I almost died from a bad conscience, I've never felt so terrible in my whole life so I told my girlfriend and she then admitted that she also had kissed someone else a while ago and that she admired me for being honest. The next day however she wound up being very very upset and pissed, which I find kind of unfair because now I wound up being the bad guy (well okay she didn't stay overnight etc) but now that I've explained my situation I wanted to ask:Is making her feel bad about her slip-up going to make her understand and forgive me or could it ruin my relationship?
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 It sounds like your relationship is very important to you - and I believe you can keep it/rebuild it.
I think you should focus ONLY on your slip up - getting defensive and bringing up her naughty kiss is only going to see the two of you end up in a huge fight - with no problem solving going on at all. So - if you are trully wanting to make things work with your GF don;t go there. It's not about "winning".
A better approach is for you to be honest about what you did and your motivations for that (why did you put yourself in a situation that could lead to cheating??) - and most importantly to ensure your GF knows you regret it, are sorry, love her and want to do ALL you can to prove to her that she can trust you again someday. Think about what you can DO to show her (ie: no contact at all w the ex).
She is going to oscilate between many emotions - anger being a major one. You will need to be prepared to ride that out - and support her through it. Ask her what she needs from you - does she need you to hold her?, to give her some space?, to talk about things? etc etc. Be prepared for her to seem "better" and then a few days later be back at square one...flashbacks are common after a trama/shock.
One thing - you should be open and answer as many of your GF's questions as possible - but there should be boundaries in place too....it will not help for your GF to know specifics about the sex with the OW for example. You should also try and put some time limits on discussing the incident, eg: talk about it for 30mins then stop.
There are lots of websites and books written on how to survive after an infidelity....maybe it would be useful for BOTH of you to do some reading - there are some things you should/shouldn't do when dealing with an affair.
I hope you guys can work things out for the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Well, I don't think any of you is in the position to judge the other and come up as the good or bad person. You both made the same mistake, and you both have to deal with it. You either spend the rest of your relationship biting each other because of cheating on each other, or be honest forgive each other and be happy. However, if you both cheated on each other I'd question the feelings you supposedly have.
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