A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello cupids. My problem is simple and has happened hundreds of times - my boyfriend of 4.5 years refused to give me a proper commitment or answers about the future, and eventually I got together enough courage and told him I was leaving.Fast forward a few weeks, and he got back in touch today to say he misses me and is devastated to have lost me. He's now saying he wants marriage, kids, the whole 9 yards, but I just can't help feeling that it's too late.I want nothing more than to believe him, and I think he maybe even thinks he believes it himself, but if I give him another chance will I always wonder whether he really wanted it? And will he resent me one day for feeling like he had to? What if I do give him another chance and 6-12 months down the line he's still promising to propose etc but doesn't?I guess what I'm asking is can people really change when they realise what they have lost? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2015): Definitely. Given space and time and especially being faced with your absence, people can definitely have epiphanies. In your position though, since you feel so strongly about this, I wouldn't let him off the hook so easily. He misses you and is very sad obviously. And at this point may just be telling you what you want to hear in order to have you back in his life. But don't forget why you broke up with him in the first place. You don't want to go back to the way things were. You want to take a step forward. So if I were you I would look past his words and only take into account his actions. Let him show you that he is ready for what you want. Not just tell you. Let him make a sweeping gesture for you. Let him show up on your doorstep on bended knee with a diamond ring in hand. The phone calls followed by promises and the crying cause he misses you is charming and all and I am sure it is sincere but realistically it is just not enough. If he wants you he needs to make the commitment that you want. He needs to call you and say, let's go shopping for rings. He needs to get serious about it. Because as of now he has done nothing but call you and try to convince you that he has changed without presenting you any evidence to back up his claim. That is why you are not convinced and are full of doubt. So stick to your guns.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 February 2015):
 If you don't want to waste time with him, it's been 4.5 years.
He has to put his money where his mouth is.
that means he shows up on bended knee with a ring and a date to get married.
IF he can't make the commitment now to set the date (and it should be THIS YEAR just enough time to create the wedding you want (I did one in 1981 in six weeks btw dress and all)
if he can't make a commitment to marry with a date then walk away.
I broke up with a man after 2 years of dating telling him that we clearly wanted different things and I was sorry but I could not keep dating him.
He proposed the next time he saw me and we were married within a few weeks. (6 like I said to put together a full wedding)
My current husband (divorced the first one after two babies and a double digits together) was given a choice of booze or me. He picked me and went to rehab.
Yes people can change if they want something bad enough.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2015): "I guess what I'm asking is can people really change when they realise what they have lost?"It's possible, but the much more likely scenario is that he's playing to your ego and your vanity by telling you what you want to hear in hopes of getting what he wants. ". . . if I give him another chance will I always wonder whether he really wanted it?"No, you'll realize soon enough that he never really wanted what you want, he just said he did to con you into taking him back."And will he resent me one day for feeling like he had to?"No, you'll resent him for convincing you to take him back under false pretenses."What if I do give him another chance and 6-12 months down the line he's still promising to propose etc but doesn't?"Then you'll dump him again and he'll convince you to take him back, and 6-12 months later you'll dump him again and he'll convince you to take him back, and 6-12 months later you'll dump him . . .Don't delude yourself into thinking that the prospect of losing you has magically changed him into a better person, he simply wants things to go back to the way they were (convenience without commitment) and he will say whatever he has to say in order to achieve his objective. Time to cut your losses and move on so you can find a guy who truly wants what you want.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 February 2015):
 I do think it's possible that people can change, if THEY want to change. I can understand your doubt, because you feel he is changing to PLEASE you, NOT because he WANTS the same things as you.
What can you do? You can sit down and TALK openly about it. If you then have no doubt about him actually wanting what YOU want, the set a time line (together) and follow through.
I would say that, IMHO, if you aren't SURE about marriage to your partner after 4 1/2 years together, you are not going to instantaneously "change" who you are and how you feel.
Talk it through with him. Listen to him.
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