A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Bit of a general question here, but if you are trying to get over an ex, how are you supposed to know when to give up wondering and hoping? What if you decide to give up and then you never rrally find true love because you were meant to be with the person you gave up on? Or what if you waste so much time on the ex that you miss out on what could be true love with somebody else?! (I know that ex's are ex's for a reason but in this particular case it was timing and circumstances that were th problem,not each other!) Its been over a year and i havent even had a crush. its getting a bit tedious!
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (26 February 2013):
Dear OP,I would say you should give up wondering and hoping immediately after the break up. And you should never look back. Take your time to grief, no matter if there's a new crush or not, in a year. Of course, after a break up, there are all these moments when you feel lonely and you wish you could have the other one with you. But chigirl is right, if things were meant to be they probably would be.Ask yourself if it was really just circumstances that separated you - or if one of you used circumstances as a convenient excuse to end the whole thing.There's no easy way to get over a break up. I would say distraction, a lot of distraction, is what you need right now. Focus on the fun things of life and learn that you can be happy without him. Do things you couldn't or wouldn't have done if you were still with him. It doesn't have to be romance. It can also be a new kind of food he would never eat, a party he would never have gone to with you etc. See the fun side of not being with him anymore. Also, put away all the visible memories of him: His pictures, the shirt he might have borrowed you.. make room for something new. If you really need closure, maybe call him and ask about his feelings for you and why you broke up back then. See where this goes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): Hi, thanks for your advice, a lot of what you're saying puts things into perspective for me. the circumstances were somewhat strange, as the breakup was sort of pre empted for months beforehand as he knew he was going away (to sea!). by the time it came to him leaving it was kind of confusing as we still communicated in the exact same way but knew that technically our relationship was over. We didnt really allow ourselves the chance to try byt then again i couldnt tell you when the definite end point was so i suppose i never got any closure. It also makes it hard to move on as we are still amicable and have never been bitter towards one another. its not that i think our relationship was perfect, its just that the feelings were so strong it hard to let go of and believe you can feel that wy with anybody else! he was also my first relationship which increases the difficulty level! combine this with the fact that i am not a natural dater or flirt and it makes it even harder!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Although, I must add. If it was "meant to be", then circumstances wouldn't have caused a need to break-up. People have long distance relationships all the time, so , for example, moving away isn't reason to end a relationship if you truly love one another and are "meant to be". Perhaps you should consider that although circumstances made you break up, other couple could face the same circumstances and not break up (even though I don't know what the circumstances were). Coming to the conclusion that you had to end the relationship says something about your relationship too, and about the two of you. If your relationship couldn't stand up against the changes in circumstances, then perhaps it wasn't as strong or perfect as you imagined it was?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 February 2013):
"What if you decide to give up and then you never rrally find true love because you were meant to be with the person you gave up on? "
If you're someone to believe this type of superstitiousness then I can reassure you: if you were "meant to be" you will find your way back together no matter what. Then again, if it was "meant to be" you wouldn't have broken up in the first place! You'd be together!
I don't believe in any "meant to be" stuff. That's just humbug. Your heart is more than capable of loving several people in your life-time, after all you already do love several people at once: family, friends, boyfriend. Your heart is full of love, and if things don't work out with one boyfriend then absolutely surely you WILL find love with another man later on. Because as long as you have love in your heart then you are capable of loving.
And, the success and secret to good relationships is not LOVE! Love has very little to do with it, when it all comes down to it. Yes, you need love. But love in itself doesn't make anyone compatible. If all there is left is love then I advice to love from a distance, and not be in a relationship. Because if there is no compatibility, then whatever love you have for each other will suffocate and turn to hate. There is a fine line between love and hate, they're not opposites, they're not that far apart on the emotional spectrum. They are both intense feelings.
"Or what if you waste so much time on the ex that you miss out on what could be true love with somebody else?!"
Now this actually holds some ground. This is a real problem. If you get so obsessed with one thing, or one person, that it prevents you from moving forward in life.. then you have a problem that you should seek help with. But in most cases, we're not talking about an obsession, but rather a grieving period. It takes time to heal after being heartbroken. Takes time to build up again. And it would be wrong to both yourself and a new partner to start a relationship if you're not fully healed yet. In order for your heart to love again, it needs to be healed and not grieving. Not carrying longing emotions for an ex. You might still not be ready to face an ex, that's fine. These things can take years or a lifetime. But your heart must have healed to the point where it can trust again, open up again, love again. That is when you are ready to move on.
Then again, if you intentionally hold on to old feelings you're preventing yourself from moving on. Only you know what is right for you though.
Don't move on until you feel ready. But if it becomes a problem in your life, that keeps you from moving forward on other aspects as well, then you should seek help in a therapist to talk about this. But a year isn't too long, really. You love him, you had a good relationship (you said it was circumstances), and your heart isn't ready to let go. You don't have to force it, and I believe few people are able to control their feelings enough to kill the love and move on simply because they decided to. It takes time. But if things aren't better by the end of this year... then it could be a good thing to talk to a therapist/take more active steps in moving on.
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