A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My situation is rather complicated (i'm sure that's not the first time your heard that)but please I am seeking sincere advice not abusive comment. I am asking the ladies what they think.I started a relationship with a female around three years ago and we had good and bad times wanted to get married and I always felt I liked her more than she liked me. She kept wanting to break up then not so. Eventually long story short she said she wants to break up and she left. She met me when we were in our early twenties hence i think she thought she might be able to do better than myself. we were together for about 2years. She even disclosed that her close friends advised her to stay with me because I was a 'nice guy' (whatever that means) and in addition family troubles was one of the key reasons. her own family had issues which had little to do with me. Now one year passed by with no contact which was really good as it allowed time to move on.Now suddenly I see the person in my work place! I am shocked to the core and don't know what to think. I thought because we work in the same field, we both work in the I.T field, hence she probably had a training session in my locality. Then I saw her again and this time I confronted her and she said she was working in the same building as me now.I just stormed off and she knew I was not happy.Now I know she had another job and could have gone to work somewhere else but then again it is tough times with the recession and she did like working where I currently work so I didn't know if she came back to rekindle something with me.two months have passed now I heard she got married and even though I feel gutted this is not just jealousy but i feel like she has placed Both of us in such a awkward position. She avoids me, I avoid her and it seems rather clear we are still a bit unsure about how to handle the situation.I know it's normal to feel gutted when your ex get married, I can get over that, but the problem is; it's a bit hard when they are in your face ALL WEEK! The problem is she did not break up with me, fundamentally because of me. She broke up because family issues within her own family. Hence now she is working two floors below the guy she wanted to marry but broke up with, not becuase of him but her own family issues, coupled with thoughts of maybe/if scenarios.I am really worried because she is very naive and I don't think she realises that marriage is not as blissful as it is made out. In addition the fact that she will see me pretty much at least once a week after all our avoiding tactics lol. This will remind her and when she does go through hard times as you naturally do in marriage it's not the best idea to have your ex in the same locality to remind you of your choice.Even the best of marriages have hiccups but most people don't decide to work with their ex's so close to them straight after marriage. hence I keep thinking this is going to make her life and mine so tough.Am I being paranoid? Did she return for me and realise I don't want her hence got married else where?Can she really be happily married knowing I am so close and the maybe thoughts....? Should I talk to her, explain her decision to return to my work place was a niave decision?I do think a lot but I have this strong feeling that this is going to create a much more difficult situation for her rather than me, as I did not decide to break up she did.
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female
reader, Nime  +, writes (18 September 2010):
 I'm going to go against commonsense here and say that I think if you are absolutely sure you have no lingering sexual attraction or romantic feelings for your ex, then this would be a good time for you to try to become friends with her. Although it seems counter-intuitive, like a friendship with your ex might rekindle a lost flame, or continue to put her new marriage status in your face, I think in your case you run a greater risk by ignoring each other and letting negative feelings and awkward tension build. Negative feelings are still feelings, and they have a tendency to use up more of our processing power than any other kind of feeling. When we have negative feelings, they are all that's on our mind. Why this is significant is that you may soon mistake or transfer your emotions, which are really only about this awkward situation, for old emotions about your relationship and the breakup. You don't want to be dragging yourself through pointless emotional mire every time you go to work; the woman is married. It's done.
Although you say you think this work situation will be harder for your ex, I think you are denying that it will be equally so if not more difficult for you, because you are the one with the big unanswered question: If our problems were all about her parents, why did she marry him, not me? I don't know whether you need to hear an answer to this question to ever feel closure. However, I can tell you that getting on cordial terms with your ex is the best (and I would say only) way to truly move on. You don't have to be best friends. You just have to get to that level where you can smile at each other with a look that says, I know where we've been together, and we're still friends. Just give being friendly to her a shot.
A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (18 September 2010):
 Hi, It sounds like you are not over her at all. I should just try to treat her as just another work collegue. After all she is married now and won't be pleased if you cause her any complications. She's made her choice. I used to work in a large company where it was common for people to get married and work together and have relationships make and break all over the place. The best thing to do is to just let her be and try to get on with your life. Did she used to work there before, she liked it and came back. It may have nothing at all to do with the fact that you still work there. You need to address your own feelings. Not everyone goes through hard times in their marriage, are you waiting for the day it does so you can comfort her? I think she may have made contact with you straight away if that was her intention. It could be that she really has moved on and you are living in hope that she may return to you. You may be in for a big let down. Hope this helps
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