A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Can men and women really be friends only? My boyfriend has a lot of close female friends. I am always suspicious when he hangs out with them alone. These one-on-one dates between him and his female friends take place at least once or sometimes twice a week, when I myself only see him twice a week at most because of work and school and our living distance. I have voiced out my concerns and he always tells me that they are purely friends. From my experience though, it is rare for guys and girls to be friends without one party developing feelings for the other. It doesn't help that those friends of his are all beautiful women. Am I just being overly jealous and insecure, or is this a reasonable concern? We have been together for over a year and he has had a bad dating history (many ex-gfs, one night stands etc) which still bothers me to this day. I need to know how to deal with this. I do trust him to a certain extent, but I still find it hurtful that he continues these dinner dates with these girls when I've already repeatedly told him how that makes me feel.
View related questions:
insecure, jealous, my ex, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ivivas  +, writes (2 May 2010):
I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years after I found a receipt from a hotel in his car,he payed the hotel with his credit card and had his cell phone number on the receipt, but he still denied it was him saying it was his sister used his car and his credit car and phone. He has a lot of female friends from school a few of them I knwe. the thing is every time I questioned his friendships he accused me of being jealous, psych..etc etc.but I never believed him even though I tried so hard to be understanding and supportive,,when I found the proof he cheated and that I was not crazy like he said i felt relieved and I dumped him. it was painful still is. but i feel good knowing i was not crazy..i wish you good luck, but this things dont get better it would take a lot of patience from you and pain...you will see if it is worthy to wait for him to change.
A
female
reader, Spice719 +, writes (18 December 2008):
If I were you, I'd be bothered by a man who has had a string of previous relationships, as you've outlined. Don't pay attention to that 'jealousy' talk. I would recommend that you even ask others who have had long running but successful relationships about how they view this issue.
Even further- if something bothers you, such as your boyfriend having many female relationships- why would he not care about your feelings? That's a major reason why people make commitments in the first place- because they are saying they care to a certain degree (at least) about someone else's feelings other than their own.
You should consider that. Also is his happiness in the relationship more important than your own, especially if this continues to bother you, yet not him? I would be very worried about someone who cares about how they feel more than how I feel- yet wants to continue a relationship with me. Then you must find out why he would want to see you unhappy compared to his happiness. What does he have to gain being with you, even though he obviously doesn't care about your feelings regarding his outside friends. Why does he 'need' all of these friends, anyway? How does he even have the time? Is this someone you would want sharing time with others while you are at home, left to tend to housework, the bills, and raising kids? Or will his friends come over and spend time with you 'both?'
And last but not least, do not fall for the 'meet my friends' line, either because basically- this is only an approval in your face, to cheat. I had someone who was like an 'almost bestfriend' to me, who I thought was happily married. Thus, I saw this person as no threat to me. But tell me why was she sleeping with my fiance but smiling in my face at the same time? When I think back on the situation- all those times I thought we were double dating as friends who had significant others as friends- PERFECT right? Hell no!! The double dates and sleepovers were an excuse for my ex and former almost like a bestfriend pal to see each other, in disguise. GIRL BEWARE!! I think I'd RUN from this, at least long enough to show him, you're more than reasonable. If he doesn't miss you- then why the hell would you want to be with someone who could blow you off and turn to his friends like you never meant jack to him at all.
I think that's why these kind of men have those friends in the first place- to be able to get over an ex and receive support from scandalous women who would leap at the chance to be with them, anyway! Just my 2 cents.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): I myself have close friends who are girls and infact I prefer the company of girls because my guy friends are mostly idiots. However If I were you I would not try to pressure him too much because then he will tell one of his friends and she will support him and ..... and u wont have him. I f he truly loves you then there is nothing to worry about.
...............................
A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (10 October 2008):
 Yes, Men can have female friends who are purely platonic. It doesn't mater if you think they are beautiful because they might not be what your boyfriend considers girlfriend material. You on the other hand obviously are.
Is all he is doing going out with his friends to eat? Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine if you had friends who you knew before your boyfriend, who happened to be male and your boyfriend asks you not to hang out with them. You are basically asking him choose you or his friends and in my book that is being a bit controlling.
Can I ask how you can possibly have a relationship with someone you only trust "to an extent?" For starters a relationship like that is doomed to fail because the partner who is not trusted will ultimately feel it and will become fed up, angry and will end it because he cant, or wont, take the accusations or insinuations anylonger.
I think you are just being a tad bit insecure. If you dont trust him why bother being in a relationship? You should be with someone you trust 100% or has this always been a problemw with you and men? If it has then your answer is you use this to keep men at a distance so you dont hurt yourself. Kinda like preparing for the worst and I always wonder what the point in that was. If you are going to keep him on a short leash there isn't much room for him being his own person and thats not fair. He is his own person with his own friends as you are. Get him to take you out with his friends so that you meet them and get to know them and understand why they are his friends and why he likes them as friends. Stop worrying about these women and be more confident in yourself. He is going out with you and has been for 1 year. Apart from having female friends has he done anything else to raise your suspicions?
Another thing is his past you are worried about. Leave it alone. His past is his past and it has made him who he is today, which I presume is someone you like. If you were more secure you would look at ways (positive) to maintian a healthy relationship with you as opposed to being worried all the time.
I hope the best for you,
HonningKanin
...............................
|
