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female
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anonymous
writes: Long story, 2 quick questions. Can I trust him? And Is he cheating on me? My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years now. When I met my husband, he was living in his own house and his aunt lived with him. She has been all but disowned by the rest of the family and was on disability because of depression. He told me she lived with him because he felt sorry for her. When we decided to get serious he told her she had to move out. Well, after I moved in and right before our wedding she called me and told me that she and my husband had actually been having a relationship and that they had continued to have sex after we had started dating. I confronted my husband, he said she was lying and called her(in front of me). I felt a little better, but felt like my husband was keeping something from me. He then told me that when he was 15 he did have sex with her once. She got him drunk and they had sex one time. Then he said that afterwards they got into a fist fight. This is one of the reasons that the family disowned her and the fist fight was why he felt like he had to help her out. I never really knew what to think. On one hand I kept thinking, he was a kid and she started it. It was like incest or molestation. On the other hand, what she said kept running through my mind. Eventually, I just forgot all about it. Until last week. She called. I didn't answer. I told my husband and he said if she called again he would talk to her and tell her not to call. I told him it brought all those feelings back up. Now I am wondering what is going on, what was going on and what should I do? There have been a few odd things going on since her call. Nothing major and I probably wouldn't think twice of anything if she hadn't called. Any advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): Someone looking for "odd things going on" will always find them. You need to leave the poor dude alone, or you'll drive him off to find someone who is a clean slate and doesn't keep humiliating him about a incestuous relationship he was seduced into when a minor. And a drunk 15 yo.
If your marriage is going to survive, you need to stop holding this over him. Completely and even when you are fighting. Even if it does give you some level of power.
Then get some space. Move to another town. Can't do it now? Make it your two year goal and work toward it.
Finally, let your husband close the book. And without you there. He needs to make her understand that whatever they had it wasnt a real relationship (hopefully she gets that), he is in a marriage now and he needs to make that work. Obviously there can be no more "Them" and there can be no more contact. Not because he is disowning her, and not because he is taking taking sides in the stupid family fight.
She needs to come away understanding that this is necessary, he is counting on her to help contribute to a laudable goal (your marriage), and this isnt a negative about her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): Judging by this Aunt's past history, to be calling your husband again is highly inappropriate of her. Something is profoundly broken inside this woman. She's been disowned, she suffers from depression and she committed incest with your husband, when he was a teen. If she was an adult, then she broke his family’s rules, their moral and ethical beliefs. So if you are asking , will he cheat with his Aunt again....let's hope your husband has those same family morals and ethical beliefs. Only you live with him and only you can answer that question, dear. If your marriage is committed, strong and he's been loyal and loving up to this point, I don't think you have to worry about this. The best thing you can do is separate yourselves from her life, altogether. She is a liability and taking this woman out of your lives will be the most productive, healthiest course of action, you and your husband can do to keep your marriage strong and intact. Incest is damaging and your husband has likely suffered enough shame, guilt and embarrassment, as a result and this Aunt sounds bitter and scorned. Sometimes bitterness poisons people and eventually seeps down to their core. Don't allow this to poison your marriage. I think you have the right to be offended that she is calling again as I find this lack of boundaries disrespectful and inappropriate. Sometimes, life and relationships throws us the unexpected. We deal with it. We communicate clearly to our partners, to keep the lines clear. Never be afraid to talk openly about your marital expectations, to him. And ...please, get this woman out of your lives. Anything she tells you is hard to believe, her untrustworthy past history speaks for itself. I wish you both the best of luck and stay strong.
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (14 November 2005):
 When you met your husband, he was involved in a strange relationship with his aunt which has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship, where the dominant person (the aunt) twists things so as to lay blame on the innocent child. The problem between your husband and his aunt is obviously something that started a long time ago, at a time when he was a vulnerable young man. What happened back then sent ripples forward, in that your husband felt some sort of obligation to this woman because he blamed himself for the fact that the rest of the family have abandoned her. Chances are that the reason he blames himself is because she's encouraged him to think this. However, since getting serious with you, your husband has obviously made a big effort to free himself from this unpleasant situation by getting rid of the woman - I think this shows how much he cares and how committed to you he's willing to be. It probably helped him to have another adult around to give him the strength to pull away from his aunt. It's possible that she was telling the truth during her phone call about the sex having continued, but it sounds like it stopped prior to the wedding, and that's why she called to tell you about it - in an effort to drive a wedge between her nephew and the woman who was 'stealing him away'. She is clearly mentally unwell. I would say the best thing for you to do is to try and think positively - your husband has made a bigger effort to be with you than a lot of people have to make, so he must love you an awful lot. Bear in mind also that he probably still has issues over this which will have been reawakened by her recent call - now is the time for you to put your own feelings on the back burner and let him know that you are there to support him.
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (14 November 2005):
he may be hiding something but i don't think it's an affair. his aunt got him drunk and had sex with him when he was 15. my guess is that that wasn't all she's done. ask him to talk to you. he will feel very uncomfortable if he has been abused but let him know he can trust you. the odd things going on are probably a result of his bad memories catching up with him
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