A
female
age
30-35,
*ontwanttogiveup
writes:Before I ask my question I need to provide some background information about my fiance and I.-He is not my child's biological father-We have lived together for about a year and a half-The first 6 months of our relationship ( we've been together for two years now) he lied frequently and it was really rough because I did not discover the lies until after we were living together- He has changed a lot in the past year and has held out a job for a long time, allowed me to quit work to be a stay at home mom, and he still helps with the house chores.- We do not argue often and generally speaking our relationship has been great The problem began this past weekend. We have an android phone that we share and I noticed he kept messing around with the phone while he was alone all the weekend. The weird thing was that he would get on the internet but when I looked at the history the only history showing was what I had done. I tried not to think too much of it but I thought it was weird especially because he normally doesn't mess with the phone or want to get on the internet.Yesterday, he left for work and I checked the history to see several ( six different) hook up sites. I was very shocked because I thought everything was great with us and we had even had sex several times the day before which doesn't happen too much because we are usually tired taking care of a toddler and such.Anyways, my phone's popup blocker was turned on and out of the entire year I've had the phone I had never had a single popup. When I confronted my fiance about it he claimed they were popups. The problem is how I am supposed to believe that a phone that doesn't allow popups happened to mess up while he had it when I wasn't around ?He denies even looking at the sites but I find it hard to believe. Especially because he had a strong history of lieing. Although he has changed a lot , I noticed he has gotten into several situations where it seems like he is lieing but I do not have solid enough proof. Even though all the odds are against him he always denies it.I have several questions about the situation...1. Do you think there is a possibility that he telling the truth although my phone has never had any popups happen to me and the popup blocker was turned on?2. Is this one of those things I should let go and just wait and hope nothing else or worse happens?3. Because he had a history of lieing should I take this as a warning that although he changed in a lot of ways he may always be a liar that cannot be faithful. ( When he lied before it was always about other women)I really love him and want to be with him but I have a kid whose biological father is not even in his life and he considers my fiance to be he dad and I do not want to continue to let my son get attatched to this man if things are not going to work out.Any advice on dealing with the issue would be appreciated.Also, a good friend recommended that I have two options with this situation...1. I can try to believe him and move on 2. I could do something drastic like have him leave for a week or me leave for a weekend to make him realize that I cannot put up with lieing anymore Is my friends suggestion a good idea?Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2012): Asking him to leave then having him back wont really fix anything. It will just be disruptive for your child and leave your partner free to do exactly as he pleases for a week.Some people are prone to lying. It is a character flaw that is very, very difficult to change because that type of flaw is hardwired into them. They can otherwise be the loveliest people in the world. Outwardly kind, patient, generous. But sadly, they have a problem. They can not be trusted because they do not always tell the truth and they have no problem with that. As long as they dont get caught.If your gut instinct is telling you he is lying, he probably is. The problem with good liars is that they can be very convincing and good at bamboozling you. They can twist and turn things around until you are totally confused, doubting yourself and at times your own sanity. You KNOW he was clearing his history over the weekend and behaving suspiciously. But you tried to ignore your concerns. You KNOW for the past year you have never had pop ups because they are blocked. So how could there be pop ups appearing now? Simple answer. There cant be any pop ups appearing because they are blocked. But he has you doubting that and imagining they just happened to appear out of nowhere. You mention there have been other situations that left you feeling he was lying but you didnt have enough proof to justify your suspicions. But with respect, I think you are seeing the proof in this case. Possibly you dont want to acknowledge it because it is too hurtful to contemplate and might mean losing him. But if he is visiting sites for casual sex, then you owe it to yourself to ask for more than just his word that nothing is happening with him and other women. You are responsible for a child and have your health and safety to consider. He might let you stay home and be a mom, which is very nice of him. But that will be cold comfort in the event you end up contracting something terrible from him, because he is sleeping around. Sorry to be blunt but your health should be your main priority right now. So for the sake of you and your child. If you are going to overlook your partners behavior at least ask him to have a proper STD check up before you resume intimacy with him. It is far better to be safe than sorry.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2012): 1. Do you think there is a possibility that he telling the truth although my phone has never had any popups happen to me and the popup blocker was turned on?
No, he's lying to you.
2. Is this one of those things I should let go and just wait and hope nothing else or worse happens?
Well, you could, but I think some dialogue is needed for him to know where you are coming from...."honey, if you need to seek out other women and are not committed to this relationship, then you need to go and do what you have to do, and find what you are looking for, because it's not going to be with me. If we are manogomous, then that means all that kind of internet behavior does not go on anymore, period. But you can't allow him to get away with it again, you have to follow through with kicking him to the curb or he will continue to do it.
3. Because he had a history of lieing should I take this as a warning that although he changed in a lot of ways he may always be a liar that cannot be faithful. ( When he lied before it was always about other women)
Yes, and a big one. Dr. Phil has a great saying, and I am not quoting because I can't remember exactly... the
best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This is very, very true...trust your instincts.
I really love him and want to be with him but I have a kid whose biological father is not even in his life and he considers my fiance to be he dad and I do not want to continue to let my son get attatched to this man if things are not going to work out.
Your son will be fine, it's you who is not going to be fine...it's hard to let someone you love go, but if he cannot be honest with you and you are beginning to see signs, he's not going to change.
I don't know about the friends ideas...bottom line, you know something is not right. What you need to do is lay it on the line, and tell him what you expect from him and in order for the two of you to continue to grow in your relationship, he has to be able to do all the things, like respecting you, honestly and committment, etc. A contract of sorts, and if he breaks the contract, the end, you are better than that and you won't accept a man like this in your life.
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