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female
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anonymous
writes: To Mr Dream master.. continued from previous question. wow what a great answer you gave me. so i thought id thank you through this. Since my question me and my partner have chatted.and i think i need to add a bit more. i've almost always been cheated on from my past relationships, i guess it's something that happens when your young in a relationship, but however long you are with them or how much you feel for them, being cheated on isn't nice. After our night out my head has been full of negative emotions, and no positives. he told me the next day how awful he felt about upseting me. he told me that he loved me and wanted to take it to the next level. obviously i had my barriers up and i guess i was quite distant when he said this.i dont want to bring this up over and over agin with him. incase it is all innocent on his part, i therefore dont want to come accross as over possesive.His young child was from a relationship where they were engaged. they "according to him" broke up because they argued all the time and he didnt want to bring his child up in that enviroment, however they did try on 2 seperate occasions to get back for the childs sake, but with no luck. He's been in 4 serious relationships, one where he cheated, the others he was faithful. when hes single , however it seems as though hes been quite frisky, with no feelings involved.his friend with the son apparently told him how nice i seemed and she was happy that hes met me.hes told me "if i wanted to sleep around why would i be here trying so hard to make you believe that i'm not, if i didnt care i wouldnt be with you" i do sometimes think that maybe hes not ready for a commited relationship, but i guess im going to have to talk to him about that, he says he wants to move to the next level though.granted in the begining we both wernt sure what we wanted, but for the past 2 weeks we have made so much effort to be with eachother.i've never told him id forgive him for cheating, that was only my own thoughts. but i am loosing trust in him, especially since that night.i really dont know what to do? should i give it a bit longer and see if he really means what he says about me? or leave now? ( hes making such an effort to keep me, why go through that if he didnt mean it?) i really appreciate an outsiders point of view, do you still stand by what you said after reading this? thank you.x
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reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (5 December 2005):
 Hi,
I’m flattered you liked my response, it was a difficult one to give advice to because there was not much definite to go on in your original question, it was all hints and indications.
It all seemed a little bit ‘raw’ in your first post, but you seem to have mellowed out about his actions now, particularly since he has been telling you what you want to hear. He does come across a little better this time too: 4 serious relationships, attempts to get back with his ex for the childs sake, the fact that they were engaged, though I now know he has admitted that he cheated on one of those, (Let’s say 3 serious relationships then – and of course he may have done worse than he has admitted)
It is a real shame that you have almost come to expect to be cheated on. If you are ever cheated on, you should end the relationship. It is a sign that this person is so selfish that they are willing to put their own enjoyment alongside your pain. I am glad you didn’t tell him you would forgive him – under the circumstances I would in fact tell him the opposite in no uncertain terms that if he did it the relationship is over (no matter HOW drunk he was at the time – in case he tries that obvious excuse – and he seems to have an answer for everything).
In terms of his character, I shouldn’t judge the way he wants to live his life, but I am questioning whether he can make the transition from frisky male, to loyal boyfriend, as it is unfortunately your feelings being gambled. You seem like a nice girl, so you are probably worth changing for, but does he have the same appreciation?
What makes this so difficult to advise on is that you are right; it could all be innocent, and he does seem to be making an effort to keep you. It’s probably a good thing that he is being kept on his toes as far as this is concerned, let him think he is on thin ice regarding being faithful, and he is less likely to consider it an ‘option’. (I just hope taking it to the next level means having a closer relationship – not having a child!)
I would say it was good thinking for you to avoid bringing it up again and again. This could indeed have a negative effect. If he thinks you are so possessive, he is more likely to think he can get away with more. But if you just tell him calmly that if he does cheat, he is finished, that response maintains your dignity, lays solid and justifiable ground rules, and lets him believe you aren’t so hung up on him to forgive the unforgivable.
While I would have some concerns, and I would like you to keep those barriers up for a little while, you do seem strong enough to handle whatever does happen – and I realise it seems harsh to punish someone for a crime that have probably not yet committed. So I think I am being swayed very slightly to the side, but just enough to change the outcome of my advice.
So it’s a gamble, but such is life - it might be worth giving him a try.
Best of luck!
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