A
female
age
41-50,
*icker
writes:hi everyone, need some answers. i have been married to my husband for 4 years now. he was never one to look at pron or and of that . he did before we got married. anyways now im finding things on his computer like profiles of girls. and cam chat downloads on his laptop. i dont know how to take this, should i be mad or think that its nothing? now he wont even give me his password to his email now. should i think he is hiding something? plz let me know. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Sometimes we miss little details said and done in a relationship. 4 years is ample time for a relationship to go south. He might be at the stage that if you begin asking or showing concern, it may prove to him that your not being sincere about the relationship, meaning, he was pushed aside and now your pulling him back. This is an extreme tough situation if I'm right. Talking with him without accusing or insinuating anything is a must if you want him to open up. If he opens up and you denounce what he says, then this will be permanent and he won't open up again until hell freezes over.
To get a grasp of the true situation, you need to provide much more information.
Again, if I'm correct, I think this is where most relationships begin to go downhill, and reversing it is almost impossible without having some type of side effects.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Agree with other post - trust your instinct. If your man is indulging in this kind of stuff there is a reason - he wants to and he can get away with it (or so he thinks). You should NOT compromise what you will and will not tolerate in your relationship and the boundaries that should naturally exist and he should respect that. There are devices you can get (from spy equipment websites) and posted out to you that give you access to deleted text messages, emails and files so you can see if someone is cheating. This may give you a bit more info if you need it..... however I think what you've found is pretty bad. Hope I have helped.
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A
male
reader, Paladin +, writes (21 March 2008):
 Trust is such a difficult thing to discuss. Only you know him well enough to decide. Having said that you need to decide if his overall behaviour has changed. If so, then of course you need wonder and yes you should be suspicious. Looking at porn os one thing but chatting and downloads are another. If he has nothing to hide then he shouldn't mind letting you see what he is doing. Please note that he may not be doing anything terribly wrong but might be just a tad bit embarrassed that you caught him. In either case there is obvious distance between you two and needs to be discussed. Something has drawn him to this stuff and you need to find out what that is. If you don't I think things will get worse. Some guys are just pigs and that is what they do. However, some do this because they feel something is missing in their current relationship. please note I am not saying its your fault. Clearly if he feels that way he should have discussed this with you and its very wrong on his part for not doing so. Your in a bad situation as a result of this as you are now forced to confront him and that typically makes people put up a prtective barrier. I think what I would do if I were you is to simply tell him you really don't care about his looking at the porn and that you were just surprised by it. Then I would slowly attempt to find out if there is something he is looking for from you or your marriage that he isn't getting or feeling now. Lets face it with all the stress of the world maybe you two have just drifted apart a little and maybe its time to fire the romance back up. In any case I wouldn't think for a moment that this is your fault. If he does feel something is missing he should have discussed it with you, thats simply respect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): I have recently gone through the same experience with my boyfriend of eight years. A couple of summers ago I went to stay with him where he was living in a fairly isolated cottage in a forest in a town of 800 people. We had a loving relationship (I thought). sometimes he would say he couldn't sleep and wanted to play solitaire on the computer. I would go to bed without him. when I got up to try to persuade him to come to bed he was always playing solitaire by the time I crossed the room. About nine months later he came and stayed with me for a couple of weeks at my house. I went to work, he stayed home to look for a job (on the computer). He left to travel and left his email open. I could not resist. Letters from a year back were there (both exchanges, his and hers). So many girls! He, telling them he was lonely (written while I was staying with him), wish I could have you here to put my arms around, etc! I was so shocked I confronted him and that damaged our relationship due to the lack of trust on both sides. Now, a year after that, he admits he "playfully" corresponds with Phillipine chat/cam, etc. girls. He says it is all in fun and tells me to be a good sport. Our relationship is getting very bad because I am also always suspicious of the young woman he "tutors" so she can get her GED. This goes on for seven months. He accuses me of being paranoid, suspicious, accusatory and threatens to break up if I don't stop picking on him. I find so much "evidence," too. Finally, one night a month ago he calls me up drunk. He confesses. He has been having sex with this girl for seven months. Long-winded answer, I know, but trust your women's intuition. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Yes he is hiding something and you already know what-profiles of girls, chat downloads... He's cyber cheating.
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