A
male
age
41-50,
*proctor
writes:My post is pretty long, but its a collection of things... If anyone would read through it and possibly give me some advice here... It would be great. I feel like I am falling apart, I cant eat, sleep, or think strait... I need some answers..So, I seem to find my self becoming more and more jealous in my relationship the more and more I find out... I feel as though my gf's actions are very shady and dis-respectful, but she does not see a problem with them... There are many things I have found out about my gf's past that makes it hard(er) for me to really trust in her... Like how she has cheated before, and how she has gotten fucked up on drugs and then slept with her (friends)... Anyways... Thats not the problem.My gf has been going to hang out with her friends now and then and thats cool with me, no problems there. However yesterday I found out that the friends she was hanging out with were actually her x bf's friends... That kinda ticked me off a little, why would she still be hanging out with them? But then I started thinking... was her x there too? I asked her the dreaded question, and sure enough he would be there... I almost broke down into tears when she told me that...I also found out that 2 weeks before we got together she slept with him... Also, our first date we were supposed to have she stood me up so that she could try and make things work with that x bf as well... So, there she was in a committed relationship with me, going out and hanging with her x bf that she had just recently been dumped by...When she told me this I lost it... She did not understand why I was mad.. And why it bothered me... She kept saying oh I did not cheat on you its not like that... And I doubt that she cheated on me (I hope) but the point to me is that it was completely disrespectful to me and our relationship... Would she really think that I would want her being around her x bf who just got done fucking her??? It makes me so so sick to my stomach to know this...Thats not even it... I also found out that she hangs out with guys who have crushes on her, or hit on her... Also, I came home last week and found her and a guy friend of hers, who I found out last night liked her, smoking weed and hanging out... I doubt she cheated on me, but she keeps putting herself in these situations...I asked her why? Is there something that I am not giving her or something that I am doing wrong that would make her turn to these other guys? She told me that she was just friends with them, that she loved me, and that she did not look at them like that... Which might be the case... But I really think something is wrong with us if she surrounds herself with people who have either been with her or want to be with her... She has other friends who are much better for her and our relationship, but she chooses to hang out with the ones who are on some level of intimacy with her...I expressed to her how angry that made me, and how hurt and disrespected I felt by what she was doing. She told me that she would stop then, that i mean more to her than they ever would... But, thats not what I want... I dont want her to stop because I enforced it... I want her to stop because morally it is wrong... Its bad for our relationship... She knew it was wrong because she denied telling me that her friends she was hanging out with were her x and her x bf friends... That the guys she goes out with actually have crushes on her and hit on her...This all feels so shady, and I don't know if it is really something I could get over... At least not soon... Im very much contemplating ending our relationship because of all this... However, I don't think she cheated on me, but I feel that our relationship is somewhat worthless after finding all this out... That I do not truly make her happy, because if I really did I dont think she would feel the need to surround herself with people like that.I feel so horrible... I know she loves me, and I love her... But I dont know how to handle all this, and it seems to me like she might not really be ready to be in a committed relationship... Any opinions?
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female
reader, citris +, writes (18 April 2008):
 I don't think there is anything wrong with you or that you are doing anything wrong in the relationship. It sounds to me like you are doing everything you can to not only have a loving relationship and fill her wants and needs, but to give her choices, freedom and space that all people need in relationships. The problem I see here is her. From what you have explained it sounds to me like she has an inherent desire to be around men who want her and make her feel wanted. That does not mean that she will cheat on you, however she is putting herself in dangerous situations. Guys, as you know, don't always toe the line, they aren't always respectful of a girls boyfriend if they desire that girl. (Don't get me wrong I'm not bashing on guys, I know plenty of females who act the same way).
I think that you need to see that your girlfriend may have some issues within herself and it has nothing to do with you. I also think that you may have some insecurities due to the knowledge you have of her past indescretions. Neither of you is wrong in this particular situation. One of you however (and it sounds like you) needs to make a decision based on where this relationship may be headed. Communicating with her, which it sounds like you are doing quite well, is the best thing you can really do at this point.
As a female who has primarily male friends, I get really irritated and upset when a guy I'm dating tells me who I can and cannot hang out with. I will turn around and do it anyway. This may not be the case with your girlfriend, but you can't let it get to this point. You have to trust that she will be honest with you. You have to have faith in your relationship otherwise there is not point in continuing to date each other.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): I get the feeling your both not connecting emotionally, that the communication is such that you are having a dificult time expressing your feeling to the point she "gets it". It is nice that she will stop if you want her to, but I agree with you that it should come from the heart for her to change. It seems that maybe she is a free spirit and she needs some molding that is acceptable you as well as her; all you want is your feelings respected and a trusting partner. I think you to though need to search deeper into your heart and nail down what exactly she does that makes you feel this way and write it down so that you can twik it to where she can understand better where your coming from. You want her to be happy and free to grown, but her friends she associates with makes you nervous, with good reason, is she vulnerable to cheat? When we associate with others, we take on similar beliefs, good and bad. Getting to know these people so that they respect you may also help.
You both have a tough situation. Communication between you, expressing your fears, and feelings is key. It can be tricky though when it comes to the words used to express ourselves, because there seems to be a natural disconnect when the sexes are in there natural state (something like that).
Hope this gives you some help and maybe some ideas. Good luck, I think we all battle what your going through some point in our lives.
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