A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I hope you guys can give me some advice?Here's the story... Sorry it's so complicated. i came to this city to build a career and get over a bad break up.. i built my life up, had a fantastic high paid job i was very good at and got on brilliantly with my colleagues and boss. Im an attractive fun social person and i felt great.. i had achieved what i came here to do :) 3 years in i started dating a colleague named T. he had a bit of a rep with women so i didnt want to get serious, it was just some fun as i hadnt been in a relationship for a long time and eventually he persuaded me to get more serious and then it all went very wrong. I've explained below just to give you an idea of why im feeling so bad now.. But Im a pretty switched on person and understand I shouldn't have stayed with him, I know I have made bad choices.. I know all of that.Ok so he had an ex he was trying to let go of slowly.. i found out when i got suspicious about something id seen and asked him outright.. he didnt give me answers so i went to her and she told me he would still see her occasionally. due to some very bizaar circumstances and the fact she was an ex client of the companies that had a sting in her tail ( i wasnt aware of this when contacting her although he had every opportunity to do so, knowing I was going to email her ) eventually we lost us our very highly paid jobs because of it. Theres a lot more to it...He had a web of lies going on with a few exes and was trying to keep everything under wraps and everyone happy.. Anonymous mails were being sent about him which i know were false... it was awful. thats how we lost our jobs...it back fired on him big style. Now I was furious, it was humiliating, I was involved in the most messed up situation ever..we were in a mess and had lost our jobs..I had known he used to b a bit of a player so i wasn't surprised by it all but just in complete shock we had lost our jobs... i stuck up for him to my colleagues and boss when we were confronted as i could see he had been trying to keep the situation at bay and let every one down slowly ( silly men ) anyway it was that attitude that I think lost me my job. After that i let him persuade me that he just wanted to be with me. He did everything he could to earn my trust.. We went to the police regarding anonymous emails and for the next year or so we were very serious. I obviously had trust issues but he helped with that... I grew to love him a lot.. We got new jobs and carried on..18 months on and we had a silly argument which escalated... and the past 3 months since have been hell. I have been pathetic and rediculess. I've been through all the motions of a break up 10 fold. Mental texts and emails, mixed emotions, over anylising everything, begging, anger, hate, frustration... All in an awful cycle. No self respect at all. Eugh it makes me shudder. He came back so many times but never properly which just fuelled my angst. It always was a few nights here or there that somehow went wrong.. This was going on up until 2 weeks ago but my rediculess mission to get him back continued..In this time i guess i lost myself, I was struggling in my still new job because I was so stressed and they noticed and eventually asked me what was up and said I wasn't the person they hired and I needed to think about things over the weekend. ( I don't blame them ). I was still a mess and After lots of thinking I'd decided id had enough, The job wasnt great and I felt I needed out of this life and I handed my notice in. That leaves me to where I am today. I have now left.. I know my behaviour and desperate / angry / messed up attitude was pushing him away all along but I couldn't let go.. I decided.. I will keep trying with him for the next week or so and if nothing changes I need to leave.. To get out of this city.That in itself is hard to deal with as I came here to make something of myself. I did that and I lost it all since meeting him, without him I'm left with a heap of crap to deal with,, the lies at the beginning, no job or reference from the way it all happened, and I have to face the reality that I've somehow acted pathetically and had no self respect at the end.. Yuck. I'm a pretty switched on person, I know what a 3rd party would say to all of the above and I'm so angry at myself for letting this all happen.. However this is where it gets worse.. And this is what I'm here for help with... I had received an anonymous email 2 days ago.. With a conversation between t and a colleague we both used to work with.. They were being pretty explicit. I had seen pictures ( naked ) she had sent and they had mentioned her visiting this city next weekend and what they would b doing to each other...I felt sick.. Can you imagine? The reason it's so hard is I know her, we lost our jobs at that company and I defended him.. How can he do that knowing it will make me look such a fool... Haven't I looked stupid enough already?Ok so I hate him for it, I understand I can't control what he does.. It's not my place to now and I need to move on.. and I will. As soon as i saw this i realised its over... But this is the issue I need to deal with now.He said sorry and that he was just sending some flirty emails to build his confidence back up..( Sure he did) I'm just so scared for this weekend.. I can't stand the thought of them being together.. He knows how I feel, of course he does.. It's my last week here and can you imagine the torture I will feel fri and sat evening... He could re assure me if he wanted to but I'm not sure he will... I know I need to stop contact and get him out of my life but can you guys tell me How do I deal with this weekend? At the moment I'm mad at him but still being friendly because its my only way of dealing with the weekend.I feel like I can't stop contact until Monday because I need to know if they meet. It will kill me if they do but I need to know if he could b so cruel.. It may help me move past him. If his phones off on fri or sat eve I will be in bits.. and i just know I will contact him to find out... i really wish i could leave it but i need peace of mind..Can you guys suggest any way of me dealing with this? I am so so hopeful he will understand and b kind to me by proving he is not with her and understanding how I will be feeling.. But of course I'm not sure that will be the case. If anything goes Wrong and his phones off etc I will be an absolute mess... I hate him but I love him also.. This is so hard for me... How do I react? Shall I hate him and make sure he feels as crap as possible and lose any chance of finding out?Shall I be friendly with him?How do I play this????Any advice appreciated xxx
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a break, confidence, flirt, move on, player, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): I agree with CMMP. It's time to move on regardless of what he does with this other woman. If its not her then it will be another one sooner or later anyway.
That is the biggest mistake you made here. You got involved with someone that you knew was bad news from the start. You are frustrated at yourself for how you acted as the whole thing spiraled out of control but the time to make the decision to avoid this mess was much earlier. Not when you made the move from a casual relationship to getting more serious with him, but rather when you FIRST started seeing him. Next time don't start seeing the player at all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): I think its him sending you these anonymous emails and I think he is doing it all on purpose to make you jealous of him. and he knows you are giving him attention all the time. You have to make it look like you dont care about him and ignore him. Dont contact him this weekend because he knows you will. Do everything different than you used to be like with him. And yes move away and slowly you will forget him. Believe me hes loving it what hes doing to you. So now show him different. Act like uou dont care, he will wonder what the hell is going on with you ha ha.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 October 2013):
 Wow, a lot of drama, and you're still piling it on. Stop the drama. Stop contacting him. Stop tracking him.
It is way past time for you to regain some integrity and dignity and get the hell away from the entire situation.
Reach out to other friends and have them talk some sanity back into your head, you are out of control.
You play this by NOT doing ANYTHING except blocking him, deleting all possible contact information for him and getting to a therapist if you cannot manage by yourself.
You are just digging yourself in deeper by imagining all sorts of scenarios. STOP IT! That's enough, you've done and said enough.
Take a train or fly somewhere else this weekend and leave your phone at home so you are away from it all. Get out of town.
Good luck with getting some mental balance and clarity back into your life, work on that and you'll be making an investment in your future happiness, okay?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 October 2013):
Well, I understand the feelings you have and how hurt you are, but your relationship is over and has been for awhile.
You are refusing to allow yourself to get over him and it'd just prolonging your agony. So in a way I wouldn't expect him to care very much if it hurts you or not because at this point it's really just you hurting yourself.
Stop contacting him. Block his number/Facebook/etc. Don't agonize over him having sex with this girl. Sex means nothing.... It's just a penis going into a vagina. Sorry to be graphic but that's it. Sure, it'll hurt. But you need to accept the fact that you're over and this will hopefully cement that fact.
Let's face it. If they didn't sleep together, you'd hold out hope that you had a chance and then when the next girl came along you'd be devastated. Better to get it over with sooner than later.
Good luck. Get yourself some alcohol and ice cream and rent a non romantic comedy.
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