A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:For starts I'm lesbian. I lost my virginity to my girlfriend 4 years ago. Before we broke up in 2012 I made her aware of her being my first n I'd do anything to save the relationship. The relationship ended in Dec 2012 despite my efforts. So I move on not wanting to have a serious relationship with anyone n met a female. She was cool and we developed a sexual relationship. I really didn't care for a relationship with her n got tired of her many male acquaintances. I ended our hookups bc I didn't want to have sex with a person who was jumping in the car with different ppl. Newayz I move on from her. Ended up upgrading my job n met a wonderful woman I couldn't keep my eyes off n it was mutual. We went out on a friend vacation n things were sexual tense. Had another meeting at a hotel likewise things were sexually tense.We eventually became roommates n that intensified the heat. She was very bicurious n I helped her out after her umpteenth advance. I was shy n wanted confirmation, she comfirmed. That went on a few months and we both sat down n discussed it. It was something we both enjoyed but after no longer being roommates or coworkers we stopped. We saw each other on the street n had lunch but things were very casual not at all sexual. Our last sexual contact was in April 2014. I got back with my ex in June 2014. My girlfriend asked where there others after her I was honest and said two.She went frenzy crazy. I told her not to worry its my past but she wanted details, sexual details. Just last night she ask to know the females name. I gave it to her. A few weeks ago my girlfriend said she needed more sex. So recently I've been making sure she gets it. Well last night she said she's not used to the daily sex and why am I all the sudden wanting it. I told her this is what she wanted n I was making sure I kept her happy in that area. She said she's not used to everyday sex. Then she asked me am I used to it, I waited n said no but I said it doesn't sound like a bad idea in fact I welcome it. That led to her thinking about the females I had sex with. The second one in particular. She began asking did I enjoy it n do I miss it. She went on to ask what was the female name. She said if she has a name she'll feel better. She brings my past up all the time when we discuss sex. It's never about her n i. But it's about the last female I had sex with. Why does my girlfriend do that? Believe it or not last night the conversation before that was going great. I was saying how much I love her n how far we have came n what we each invested. I began telling her how I'm really happy we are on the same page. She said she likes it too but the daily sex is something to get used to. I said we don't have to have it n I'm just giving u what u asked. The conversation turned for the worst so fast. I was feeling like huh, what just happened. Everything was going so perfect. I became angry when she kept asking for more details about my last sex partner. Only because the time before she she this would be the last I ask of your past and the time before that. She has no reason to feel insecure I am so faithful. But I guess she just can't get over me giving my body to another. Now she's always thinking who is better. Is there a way to stop her obsession?
View related questions:
broke up, co-worker, insecure, lesbian, lost my virginity, move on, my ex, roommate, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2014): What may have started as a fantasy turn-on, must have evolved into an obsession. Once the novelty wore-off, reality set in. Envisioning you with another lover no longer provides her with fuel for sexual-fantasy. The porn-effect and appeal it once had, has been processed into reality. Now she's hurt.
You offered too much information about your intimacy with someone else. She pried you for the information, knowing she has insecurity and jealousy issues. She wanted your confession about your activities during her absence; because she doubts you really care for you as much as you say you do.
She believes if you did, you couldn't feel the same feelings and attraction you feel for her, for anyone else. The daily-sex was only to sexually exhaust you, and wear down your libido. Maybe she figured if you got an over-dose of homemade-sex, you wouldn't want it anywhere else.
It's never a good idea to share the dirty details of your past sex-life with people you are currently sharing intimacy. All they need to know is that you had safe-sex and protected yourself and others. That you aren't infected with an STD. Required info.
They'll visualize you with other people, and it has the same effect as knowing that you've cheated. They want your feelings all to themselves. They need to feel special and they're the only one who can make you feel that way. I know that's ridiculous. The less they know the better. They'll start wondering how they compare. If they're insecure to begin with, feeding them TMI is going to only make them feel worse.
If you reconcile with an ex; somehow they think you should have put your feelings on hold, or on reserve, after the breakup. Even if they didn't!!! That's the pisser! They feel you should suffer in solitude, and practice celibacy in the event they may want to comeback. At least have a period of mourning until they return. Heaven forbid you might date before they do, if there is a break of a year or more! Don't forget they stalked you on Facebook, so they know more than you think.
Their ego demands that you show everyone who approaches you that they're irreplaceable; and you're physically and emotionally incapacitated while they're gone. Hey, that's human nature. We don't want our exes celebrating our departure, or living it up with somebody else while we're grieving.
You've entered a new era of drama, and your recycled ex-girlfriend has emotional issues over you moving on while she was gone. Her ego is crushed; because you were able to enjoy intimacy with other women who may have been even more desirable than she is. She suspects you might even still have them on the side, or still think about them. If you can recall everything you did in such detail, she thinks those memories are indelible in your mind. She had hoped to erase the other women from your mind, as soon as you got back together. You had to be a dummy, and replay every last detail! Over and over! When you should have hit delete; you paused, and hit rewind and replay.
Seriously, girlfriend?!
If she's unable get get past this, you may have to call it quits. You pretty much told her more than she can handle.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (2 December 2014):
Nope. She has to be the one to realize she has a problem and work to get over it.
The more you try to reassure her and try to prove your loyalty, the worse she'll get, and you will find yourself more and more controlled by her jealousy.
I'm sorry, but she has very serious emotional problems. For me this would be a dealbreaker, I don't deal with the extreme jealousy BS, but it's your choice.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 December 2014):
 The way to go is to stop feeding it. As you can tell, this retroactive jealousy is insatiable. It's a bottomless pit, and every bit of information you give her about your other past relationships is like throwing gasoline on a fire. It's never satisfied, and she's doing nothing about dealing with it on her own.
You owe her nothing. You've already given her way too much. She will keep asking and keep obsessing and keep getting angry and keep emotionally bludgeoning you because she is indulging this jealousy.
Time to put your foot down and tell her that this is something that you'll no longer talk about. You do not have to keep reassuring her insecurities and jealousy. That's not your job, and both you and the relationship will break under that pressure.
Tell her that if she wants the relationship to continue, she needs to put down the jealousy and obsession every day. Tell her you were straightforward enough, and that you owe her no other details, and that you don't want anyone else, past or present, in your relationship. If she can't handle the jealousy of hers, then there can be no relationship.
She has to get over it. It's on her, not you. You did nothing wrong. It's not about your faithfulness. It's about her jealousy. Do NOT give her any more details, because it will make it 100x worse. Why do you think she keeps saying "this is the last time I'll ask" only to follow it up with more questions and drama?? Because it's a bottomless pit, and you need to tell her that.
She will need professional help if she can't discipline her own emotions and mind and allow her rational self to take over and be real regarding the relationship with you. Sometimes retro-jealousy consumes past the point of no return, and she may not know coping mechanisms to deal with it, which is where professional help, support sites or groups, or learning about it, will help.
Look up all of the retroactive jealousy information on here for starters, and you'll learn that it's really not about you, but her, so you won't feel defensive and take it personal. It's HER obsession. Be patient and gentle, but give her nothing more. When she gets mad, tell her that the retro jealousy is tearing both of you apart, and for the betterment of your relationship, you can't feed it anymore. It's her and you, not her, you, your past, and her jealousy. That's two too many!
...............................
|
