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anonymous
writes: I'm gay and my boyfriend has lost a great deal of trust in me because I have been less than truthful about having porn and other similar things in my house. He also feels that I am hiding things from him and has thoroughly gone through my computer and e-mail. I got rid of the porn and I have nothing to hide but don't know how to help rebuild the trust that I lost because of some lies that I stupidly told in the past. I have sincerely apologized and told him I was wrong but he doesn't believe much of what I say. He thinks that trust can never be rebuilt but I disagree and am willing to do whatever I can to get his trust back. I love him very much and don't want to lose him. Can anyone please help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): Hey. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he just found out at the begining of our relationship I cheated on him. He is very loyal and very jealous so this reality tore us apart. We broke up and he said we had no chance of getting back together....
... luckily we did but it wasn't easy for either of us.
Here's what you have to do. It's hard but you have to do it, and do it completely. Decide if you want him or the behavior. Really find out which one means more to you and choose. YOu can't have both.
Be completely honest, even if it dissapoints him for a little bit. Thats far better than breaking trust.
So be COMPLETELY HONEST and CHANGE THE BEHAVIOR. Without this there is no way to rekindle that trust.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (7 July 2005):
Were you just looking at pornographic pictures or was there more to it than that? If it was more than just looking your boyfriend has a right to be cross.Talk to him about it again, tell him how sorry you are, tell him from now on you will not keep any secrets from him and that you have realised the error of your ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2005): Tell him everything, stop holding things back from him. Stop lying to him, reminds me of this girl named heather, she lied about a lot of stupid things, now I dont trust her because she keeps lying to me, ......a lot. You need to make up your mind if you want him or not.
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reader, helpfull girl +, writes (17 June 2005):
you cant build somebodys trust up. Eventually it will build up or you have to do is not lie and be totally truthfull about everything. Let him keep trying to find out if you're lying or not because if you're being totally honest then he's only going to prove himself wrong and eventually when he keeps doing that he will learn he can trust you once again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2005): I'm the person who submitted this question but forgot to include something that might be important. My boyfriend lives 2 hours away so we don't see each other every day or as much as we would like although we do talk every night on the phone. The fact that he doesn't live with me and doesn't know what I do every day along with everything I mentioned in the question is why he is having trust issues. I have told him the truth about absolutely everything since our big blowup but can't get him to believe hardly anything. Hopefully this extra info will give anyone else who can answer my question some more insight on what I can do. Thanks.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (17 June 2005):
 If he really believes that "trust can never be rebuilt" then I'm sorry to say that you might not be able to do anything to change his mind.
However, even if this turns into a heartbreaking case of chalking-it-up-to-experience, it will still do you good to practice being trustworthy... because who knows what's in your future? Do it for yourself.
The only way that you're going to succeed in changing old habits of untruthfulness is to go cold turkey and resolve to be honest about EVERYTHING from this point on, even if it's difficult. Let your boyfriend know that you want to be a better man, for your own self-esteem as well as for the purposes of regaining his respect.
There are bound to be times that a little white lie will be more palatable than the truth ("Is it OK if my mum comes for the weekend?"), but resolve to answer truthfully, or at least give him the option of hearing the True Version or the Gentle Version. Let him know when you have to give an honest opinion, so that he's reminded that you're still trying to be a more truthful person.
Don't hide things from him any more, either. Move the computer out into a shared space, so that he can see that you're not secreting porn or anything else from him.
Your history could take a lot of time to undo, but try to manage things in small steps, one incident at a time. With luck, your bf will notice your efforts and will perhaps re-think his stance on rebuilding trust.
Be strong! Good luck.
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