A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I find myself horribly sad this holiday season. Thanksgiving was depressing, but as Christmas nears, I am racked with pain over my pending divorce. It has been a year since I confessed to having an affair to my wife. Since then, there has been nothing but sadness, hurt and loss in my life and in my wife's. She initially wanted to work on the relationship through counseling, and we tried, but after a while, she felt the affair was the deal breaker. Even as recently as July there were signs of reconciling, but she has turned very bitter since, and doesn't seem to be coming back. In my gut, I feel somewhat that I am better off without her...we had lots of problems in our marriage long before I strayed and we are quite incompatible on many things we used to be. But I cant get past the years and years of history with her. I miss having a person by my side who I could almost read her mind and vice versa. We grew up together and have experienced so much. I cant turn 20 years of my life off like it never happened. And I have tried to give her her space, like she has asked. But I CAN'T let go. It tortures me to the point where I have thought about suicide and sought help. I know I am missing not her so much, but the life we built together. I put everything into that with her and now it's gone. Am I just reminiscing, or still in love?I know you will all condemn me because it may seem like this is one sided because I cheated. But deep down she and I both know there were other problems. And deep down, I thing we both want to work on it. But she is so filled with anger over the affair, she doesn't want to talk...she wants a divorce.I feel like we are making a big mistake. I love her. And even though my gut tells me maybe it is over, my heart wont listen.What can I do? If I am to leave her alone and sign the papers when they are ready in a few weeks, what do I do if my heart isn't in it? I thought about not signing, but I dont want to be difficult, or hurt her more by being emotional and selfish and not signing. How do I find hope before it's too late...maybe it already is?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): 20 years down the drain because you couldn't keep it in your pants! Sad, isn't it?
Please do not invite you ex wife to any last supper. Release her! I think u have put her through enough already and I think you just need to let her be.
You may think that it is a very 'sweet' gesture but some things are best left alone.
The pain and the betrayal has affected your wife to her very core. You are right, she will never get over your affair. And you had no right to expect otherwise.
Maybe one day your 'sorrowful tale' can actually help another person who wants to choose a lover over a spouse. Perhaps this eye opening tale can actually save 2 people.
So what happens now? Are you still in contact with your lover? Do you just carry in and move on with your life. Or do you reflect, analyse why you destroyed your wife and marriage? Do you learn from the breakdown of your marriage?
For how long did you conduct your affair? If you want to compare: x (affair) vs 20 (marriage). In the end no comparison actually.
Will your ex now look forward to another relationship? Do you think she can trust a man again? What is her mindset currently?
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): Well, I poured my heart out to my wife Sunday night...as we sat in front of the divorce agreement. I wrote her a 6 page letter that day, explaining how sorry I was again, and pouring out 20 years into words and tears. In the end, she could not get over the affair, but appreciated and accepted my apology. We both signed it. We vowed to put the anger and resent behind us and move on. It was wonderful to have a truce. Hopefully we can rebuild a friendship. It's unclear now.I was thinking of inviting her out to dinner one last time, no hidden motives...just a respectable farewell. I was thinking of the place we met...a restaurant we both worked at. Would this look devicive or desperate, or like I was just prolonging the moment? I just want to solidify the truce and show i have no hidden agenda.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): You are not alone. Christmas is a brutal time for a lot of people and I pray that you, and all of us suffering personal loss or uncertainty, get through it in one peice. Obviously you love your wife and you are truly sorry. Make sure she knows that and don't sign the papers until you are ready! This is not entirely your fault and she knows that--take care of yourself and stay around people, do not spend the holidays alone and sleep over at friends if you need to--that's what friends are for.When you can, talk to her in person or take her out for dinner,etc. show her!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): I don't think you have any right to have any say in this now. the divorce decision is not yours to make. Your'e being very selfish for cheating on your wife and then for wanting her to give you another chance just because you're not ready to be on your own! You were not man enough to work on your marriage instead taking the easy route of getting your needs met elsewhere rather than face the difficult situation at home. So now you should man up and take the consequences for your actions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I think at one time your marriage could have been saved if you had both worked on it. But the fact is that you didn't work on it, and now you have done an extremely damaging thing (having an affair) which changes everything.
Whereas before your marriage was on the brink of divorce anyway (and she was as much to blame for this as you were), you have now undeniably and irreversibly tipped the scales over by cheating on her and this part is your responsibility.
I really don't think there is any chance any more. You have to accept that. Things have changed.
please let your soon-to-be-ex wife move on with her life. It is selfish of you to refuse to sign divorce papers because you fear losing the security of what you are familiar with. You have already ended the marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I'm not a big fan of people hanging onto dead marriages in the name of trying to salvage it only to end in divorces that are far more bitter and long-term emotionally damaging to all parties - including the CHILDREN - than they needed to be had the couple separated earlier on when they still had some shred of dignity and sanity in them.
See the writing on the wall. The marriage is over. Refusing to sign the papers? come on. You think this will make your wife suddenly think better of you?
Accept that things have been permanently broken. You miss the individual pieces of what the relationship used to be. You don't want to let go of those. But things will not be the same again.
Trying to put it back together will only mean putting yourselves through x moreyears of pain and heart ache only to eventually end in divorce anyway but it will be ten times more painful than now because of having "fought for the marriage" for an additional x number of years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Your wife has absolutely no culpability for your affair and the mere fact that you assign her blame is utterly outrageous. Listen, all marriages have their good times and their bad times. You threw away your marriage vow and the moment you committed adultery you spiritually ended your marriage.
That was a decision you made, not your wife. You ended the marriage and tossed out the commitment. You were both responsible for the state of the marriage, however you were responsible for the choice to end the marriage.
When a married person chooses to be sexually intimate with someone outside of the marriage because they aren't getting laid at home... you have basically told your spouse that she means absolutely nothing to you... in particular.
Did you hear me? You told her that you didn't miss HER. She could not be replaced by another woman's vagina and ego stroking. She is unique and she was your wife. If she isn't available... or is hurting over other aspects of the marriage... you substitute her... rather seamlessly with another woman.
What have you told her? That she means nothing to you whatsoever. Sex is merely an act and you can get whatever it is you think you need from any enthusiastic participant... Then, you most certainly do not need her.
What blows my mind about this whole fiasco is this... You chose not to honor the wedding vow and now you want to pass this responsibility off onto your wife because she isn't willing to settle for betrayal? Get this... your marriage legally and spiritually ENDED when you had sex with another woman... your wife OWES you absolutely nothing any further and most certainly does not have a moral obligation to reconcile with you. Period.
Now, you want to cry over spilled milk? The minute you understand that your choice to screw another woman was an action you took yourself... and that your wife shares no culpability in that action... is the moment you MAY become worthy of her. Not getting laid at home is no excuse for screwing someone else... Because, it was your wife you should have been wanting... and she cannot be substituted by anyone else.
The state of the marriage is the doing of 2 people... the action of cheating is the choice of 1. Is your wife not honoring a vow because she won't take your cheating ass back? No, because the vow was broken already.
Is it possible to reconcile after cheating? Yes, however it takes a true and honest heart and a willingness to accept 100% responsibility for the decision you made to cheat. Only you are responsible and only you can atone to her for what you threw away. You gave your vow to another woman and she has walked off with it like a cat with a mouse... You have to get real. If your marriage of 20 years mattered to you, you should have kept your pants tightly zipped up. Furthermore, if you want to salvage this marriage you had better throw yourself at her mercy and take full responsibility for everything... period. Unless you do that... I can promise you ... you will get nowhere with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I have just read your update:
You forgot to invest in your marriage, you attained 'freedom' when u started hanging out with the new friends. I n fact u wanted this life instead of a family life. Good times, and jolling instead of sorting out the marital issues.
You point to so many wrongs of your wife. Why did u not try to meet her halfway? Try to find out who the real person was? Surely she was just as frustrated, just as scared that u both were moving in opposite directions.
Where was your thoughts when u were cheating. You were lapping up the freedom. The good times and the attention. You were not bothered about your wife at home. In fact u had already left here.
Yes u are glad that you have garnered up sdo much of sympathy here but truly we are all just strangers giving u our thoughts. It is so easy to give us a almost one sided account of this tragedy but remember you have to look your wife in the eye.
I think once u come to terms with the divorce u will find that after much soul searching, you had left your wife for good times a long time ago.
You talk about your wife not being affectionate and intimate. How the hell did u expect your wife to just pretend and give in to sex. Your wife rejected u bec you had hurt her. How do I know this. I actually went through this myself. With my marital issues my hb used to also 'reject' me bec he was hurt. I did not realise it but during the latter part of this year I did a lot of growing up. My hb was also crying out for love and affection but we were just too caught up with the issues we were facing. I expected cuddles and sex after the fights but he retreated. Slowly ever so slowly I understood his language: it basically said : u hurt me, how the hell can u expect me to be intimate with you?'
You and your wife have both hurt each other very much but instead of working on your problems you decided to seek the good single life.
You threw away 20 years. You could have had a good marriage if only you worked at your marriage. Are u still hanging out with your new friends and the new women?
Why are u now mourning your marriage? Is it bec it is now finality?
I am sure you have mapped out your life post the divorce. Now u can run around with any woman and no one will tell u u are destroying anything/anyone. You will have your freedom but at what a cost!
Realise eve though you and your wife were almost long distance she was always faithful to you. Plse do not forget this.
I think you know that there is now only pain and hurt left in your marriage.
Grow up MR. Or else you will have learnt nothing from this painful episode.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I feel very sorry for your wife. You have not walked in her shoes therefore you have no clue about the hurt, betrayal , devastation you have caused her. Perhaps if you can try to comprehend her pain and her anger you can learn to understand her feelings.You have also been very selfish . Instead of making excuses for your cheating maybe you need to take a deeper look at your motives for wanting to stay with your wife. Do you honestly think marital counselling is going to help if you continue with your attitude. How can you work on your marriage if you have not grown up since your affair?Have you spoken to her, really talked to her, have you told her you are sorry. Are you remorseful that the affair happened. Are you still in contact with your lover? Have you tried to make amends for your wrongdoing? What about trust? Have you shown your wife that she can start to trust you again? Or are you still evasive and lieing and carrying on as though you have done nothing wrong?20 years is a damn long time. The investment both you and your wife made was all for nothing. Sad isn't it? All lost because of your affair.You are going to live with many regrets and the main one is this: was your betrayal worth the end of your marriage. You also need to take a long hard look at your life. See the errors of your ways.Yes we all can sympathise with you and feel that you have been dealt a blow but really did you not ever expect to go down this divorce road.I think your story is a brutal eye opener to other cheaters. You have an unrealistic expectation that your wife could just forgive, sulk a few days and life carrys on.The magnitude of your cheating is the day your divorce is finalised. Only then would you know what you threw away. I think your wifes hurt and pain will never go away mainly because you have not helped her through it. Your actions and the consequences is proof in the destruction of your marriage.Listen almost every marriage has problems but the way we choose to deal with it determines whether we are honestly interested in making it work. When you had problems you turned to another woman. It was so easy to lead a double life and this lead to more issues. Where will it all end? Lots of tears, harsh words and mourning. Your wife and perhaps you are mourning the lost of 20 years. It is indeed a very sad time but I think your wife needs to end this painful time in her life. She needs to heal slowly and she needs to take stock of her loss and her life. In the end she will survive, hard as it is, she will survive.As for you I think you still have a lot of accounting for your actions. Yes you too will move on but you will NEVER forget what you threw away.My hb and I are married for 19 years. We too had major issues to deal with this year BUT we made it. We both remained firm in our dedication and true to our marriage vows. It could have been so easy for one to stray but we both made a conscious decision to give it our all. When both parties are committed to work on marital issues it makes the work load so much lighter. Yes we wanted to throw in the towel but we knew that our problems would be overcome And it Has.My wish for you is to learn from your mistake . If you do meet someone else remain faithful in spite of any issues. My prayer for your wife is to heal as well. Slowly she needs to make peace of the failure of the marriage and live her life to the fullest. I also pray that when she meets another man she doesn't taint him with the same brush.In the end my question again is: was your affair worth the end of your long standing marriage and was it worth throwing away the good times, the memories, bad ones too. Was it worth the ending of 20 years. You have so much of atoning to do.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Thank you all for the support and good advice. I gave you all excellent ratings.
Yes, there were communication and intimacy problems that led to the problems of late. We did not feed each other in the relationship. We dated for about 6 years before marrying, and those years, and for several years after marriage, things were blossoming and magical. Several things happened which started a downward spiral. First, we had a child...not a problem in itself, in fact, he was a blessing. But our focus turned toward family a littel too much and we began to lose sight of each other. Then her dad died suddenly and her family was thrown into a tailspin of depression and loss for years that never fully recovered. Then I got a job a considerable distance away and spent 6 years commuting a lot and becoming further detached. Then I got recalled to active duty (I am a Reservist) and was away from home a lot over a 3 year span. She also took on a higher position at her work which demanded a lot more time and caused her a lot of frustration at times.
The outcome was we failed to turn toward one another and support each other in times of distance, loss and challenges. We began to face things apart, rather than together, with the exception of raising our son. It got to a point where she was refusing any kind of spontenaeity in our relationship, including sex. Sex was a scheduled thing...once a week if I was lucky, 10PM on a Sunday after everything else, and I mean everything, was done. Even her Tivo'd shows and reading newspaper ads came before me. She would even push me away physically or put up her arms in a gesture of defense when I would go to hug her. She never just came up and hugged me, patted my ass or showed any sign of love, affection or the youthful exuberance I had fallen in love with her over. I realized how dead our marriage had become one day we were going to paint the living room, and we got more excited over picking out paint colors than anything else we had done in the past few years.
Then I began to hang out with new friends from a new job, and it opened my eyes to a life I had been missing. One thing led to another, and I met several women, one of which I fell for and wound up sleeping with several times. I realized right there that I had compromised myself for all those years and forgotten theh soul of who I was and what made me happy. I had a partner in my wife, a union...but not a deep love anymore. To be fair to her, I admit I did not show her the respect, love and attention she needed either. I had become very reclusive and introverted, especially after I had returned home from my service. I failed to give her what she needed...exactly what that was though, I am still a bit unclear of to this day. But I strayed because I felt misunderstood, unloved and pushed away. Rejected a bit. She owns this, and acknowledges she failed too. My affair was the nail in the coffin though, and I cant seem to reverse things.
I am trying to be dignified about the result here, but you know when something feels right...even if it is a painful decision. And this just doesn't feel right. It feels like we are throwing away something huge when we should have worked on it more and realized this is the "worse" in the "for better and for worse", and by not working through it, we are failing in our vows even moreso than by me cheating. I guess I put a lot of stock in our marriage and hate to think of all those years adding up to a big zero.
However, I liked the words about not fearing the future. I liked Cerberus' idea of spending more time together over Christmas...we will be together Christmas morn, but that's about all I could muster. I liked the comments about salvaging the friendship and forging a friendship based on history. I really want to preserve what we had, for I feel it is precious years I may never see again. And sexless...you are right in stating she has lumped it all on me now and it has blinded her to seeing the overall picture.
Problem is...once the signatures are inked, it will all be too late. This sucks. But I have gained some dignity in this. Keep your comments coming...it helps. Thank you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): You cant block all those years together and the memories. They will still be there when all this is over. Its been the same for her. Mourning the end of the marriage is normal and sad for both. Shes probably streets ahead of you there and was feeling as you do now, right from when she first found out about the infidelity. But its not the end of the world, you might feel it is sometimes, but it really isnt, so give yourself a break.
How you are feeling is normal and the reason why many people enter rebound relationships so quickly after a split. They want to recreate the feelings of comfort and security theyve lost. Needless to say they dont often work very well, so be aware of that incase you find yourself settling too soon. You need time to accept things before moving on.
You admit there were problems in the marriage. Meeting so young can be a problem in itself as people mature and can
grow apart as they age. It happens.
If shes insisting on a divorce there isnt really much you can do to the save the marriage. Counselling didnt help because she cant get past what you did. So divorce is
inevitable. Accept that with dignity. Refusing to sign the paperwork will only make things worse and she wont thank you for it.
Right now she needs time and space to recover from what happened. After the shock of finding out about the affair, she must have felt very hurt. She then set about trying to salvage the marriage and hats off to her for trying.
It must have been hard for her. Its unfortunate that she cant accept and forgive but if there were other things wrong with the marriage too, she might be being brave for both of you by making this decision. So help her out rather than fight her.
Instead of fighting, try and be patient and reasonable. You may not be able to salvage the marriage but you can salvage the friendship.
I was with my ex husband for 10 years before we married. We were married for 23 years and i ended things because we were not happy together. We fought for a couple of years during the initial separation because he disagreed with the break up. But once he accepted things, we were able to forge a friendship which embraces our shared history. We are both happy now. We have partners we are much better suited to and still have a strong friendship. It can be done. Acceptance is the key. Once youve mastered that, things will improve between you.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (16 December 2010):
 It is never too late to start trying. Marriage is sacred and should be fought for until the often bitter end. What have you done to make it up to her? What have you done to show her that you are sorry for having the affair? Are you even sorry for it? Try to spend this Christmas happily, try for the sake of those 20 years, for the sake of the closeness you once shared, for the sake of the peace of mind you both need, try and spend Christmas together and try to make each other smile again. Try and show her how much you want this marriage to live. Try to get the heart of this love beating again.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I sympathize because I'm in a very similar situation. I don't think you have much influence anymore over the course of your marriage because your wife is pretty set on divorcing you.I think you know in your heart that you want to divorce too due to the longstanding marital problems, but you naturally have a lot of fear about it. I think that's normal. when you are married to and live with someone especially for many many years, like it or not they become your world or at least they influence your world to a huge degree whether in a good or bad way. Your spouse is the person you have to see every day, every night, every weekend, spend every holiday with, you have to spend intimate time with them. Your spouse influences where you live, what job or career you have (to some extent), what you spend your free time doing, where and how often you go on vacation, and how much free time you have to yourself. Your spouse affects who else you can see or interact with and in what capacity. Your spouse can affect what hobbies or activities you can have. Your spouse can affect what material goods you buy and enjoy. In other words, your spouse significantly impacts your lifestyle. When you've been married for so long, they are part of your world.This is great if your marriage is great.But if your relationship is very painful to the point that infidelity has occurred, marriage counseling isn't helping, and you are so serious about divorce, this sucks because your world is still already built up around them. Losing them means losing your world as you know it. This is scary, even if your world has been unhappy, because it's the only world you know.I think it would help if you can realize that you do not fear losing your marital relationship. You fear losing your world as you know it, but which is independent of the relationship. There is a difference.You can build a new world for yourself. If and when you find someone new, you will have a new life with them. know that MANY PEOPLE go through divorces every year. And, most if not all of them feel the same way you do to some degree. And yet they managed to do it. Therefore so can you.Maybe you could try a trial separation. This could be a way to ease into a divorce, IF it is your fear of being on your own that is holding you to your marriage. Or you can just take the plunge and do it anyway, surround yourself with a support network of friends, family, divorce support groups, if necessary professional help as well.
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