A
female
age
36-40,
*nonimous.in.love
writes:Can I recover from incest?I would like to recover from the incest that i had with my brother. I Love my fiance and I dont want to lose him. How can i forgive myself, recover from this and keep with my life and keep living without any harm or heal??Please, Don't ask me to go to counseling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): I too agree that you need to go to counseling. You need a trained mental health professional to help you recover from this experience. But I am puzzled about why you need to forgive yourself. What is there to forgive? Is that you willingly had sex with your brother? If that is the case, there is no need to feel guilty. Chalk it up as a childhood or teenage mistake. Consensual incest happens more often than most people think. I think you will be able to recover. But get help from a professional. They will keep your secret and help you recover. Best of luck to you and post back if you are still reading these replies so we can learn how you are doing.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): sorry- but go to councellinggood luckp.s. what exactly happened with your brother
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): hmmm... I think you just have to try to forget it... It might not be easy, but you will get over it when the right time has come. When I was young, I also had issues like this one. However, I do not consider it as "sexual contact" because we just kissed (make out). We did it constantly. I am older than my brother, but I did not know that what we were doing was wrong. I am so glad we did not get to the point where we were going to have sex because were were both young, especially him. When I grew older, I started to feel soo shameful of what we did. Today, I still wonder if he remembers what we did. I am now 17. I'm so glad I don't live with him. By the way, he's my half brother. :)
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male
reader, int5 +, writes (22 September 2007):
im going through a similar situation. Due to my cousin being "close" to me wehn i was really young now i have struggle getting out of this incest thing i no longer want a part of it but we can only move forward. youll be ok,just dont look back and blame yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2007): You will get over it if you choose to. We all have issues. Actually, you'd be surprised how common most of our issues are. What I'm trying to say is you are not alone. You did something shameful, but it was a long time ago, and you are obviously very ashamed and will never do it again.
The best way to get over things is to accept that they happened, it's f***ed up that they happened in the first place, but there is nothing to to do about them now.
Stop thinking about it, and move on with your life. That whole incident happened to you when you were a different person than you are today. Since you were a different person it doesn't matter anymore.
Look, here I am, a perfect anonymous stranger. I forgive you for what you did. I forgive you because you were young, and you didn't know why it was wrong. Now you are older, you know first hand why it was wrong, and you will never do it again.
You don't ever need to seek forgiveness from your fiance by burdening him with this. This is something you did, and if anyone has to be burdened with it that person is you. But you shouldn't be burdened with it either. Let it go, and move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, wildturkey  +, writes (12 June 2007):
 incest is part of growing up for many people its not a big deal and you dont need faith in god to be forgiven. Everything in life happened for a reason, and if there was a lesson learned from your experiences then that was the reason for it happening. However something should remain personal even in a relationship and if u dont think your husband will understand then dont tell him. But forgive yourself its not really a big deal there is not all powerful god that says its wrong. You didnt harm anyone else in your actions!!! Please forgive yourself its nothing!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007): I'm not so sure if prayer and God are your only help at all.
You don't describe the background to your experience so it is quite hard to give you more specific advice.
When people make mistakes they generally end up learning from them and realise that it is those mistakes that often shape who they are and without them they wouldn't be who they are now. The mistakes eventually turn in to experiences that they accept as part of who they were. It is at this point that they reach acceptance, and are able to forgive themselves and whoever else was involved.
It is only when they feel their mistakes are too great, or there is too much guilt or self-blame, or pain there, there that people can't get over the event. That is why there are counsellors - trained professionals that help guide someone through a difficult problem and on to the future so that person and put the event in to their past.
This is just from my experience but often people in their teens are too young to tackle major life problems properly with therapists and counsellors. To write that you don't want to see a counsellor kind of shows that you aren't ready for the kind of help that they can offer you. There is nothing wrong with that, but I wouldn't discount the idea indefinitely as I am guessing that maybe it is something that will appeal more to you later on in you future. In the meantime, you should try and concentrate on the present. All human beings do things they regret, it is just the way things are and that you are little different from anyone else. Remember that and do not beat yourself up for something you can't change.
Last I would suggest, that because you never wrote the circumstances to what happened to you that you ignore the first advice given here, it seems most unhelpful to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007): I agree with the first agony aunt,Prayers and God are the only help. Dont' drive yourself crazy over want happened in the past, even if it was not so long ago.What's in the past should stay in the past,it's gone and cannot be brought back.Don't worry about the future also, for no one knows what tomorrow holds, The present is whats important. Tell yourself that as from this moment onwards, I am a new person and I can better my life, the present is the best time to start a daily conversation with God. Tell him,that you can only do this with Him holding your hands and walking side by side with you every moment of the day. My dear, you are not the only person in the world that did something like that, so do not put yourself down. The difference with you, is that, you recognise your mistake, your are remorseful, and you want to stop. That is the first step, now ask God to take the other step with you. I have confidence in your, I can tell that you will be okay. Good luck my dear, and remember GOD LOVES YOU , VERY VERY MUCH !
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2007): Go to church, and pray for forgiveness, and pray that God will keep thoughts of your brother that are unclean out of your head. I think you should re-consider getting married also, you're not ready if you're cheating before the wedding, and he deserves to know that you did this. Until you can come clean with your fiancee, you will never be clean mentally and forgiven of yourself. Your fiancee will eventually find out, and do you want it to be 5 yrs. later when you have kids together and he realizes what you did, and possibly leaves you? the guilt, if nothing else will force you to come out with this and tell him. So just tell him now and let him decide if he can forgive you or not.
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