A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband (then 32) and I (then 35) met 5 years ago when he was at a very low point in his life and had recently left his mentally and physically abusive first wife. It really was love at first sight for both of us and we have had what I thought was a fairytale love. We tried for a baby and within 18 months of meeting we were married with a beautiful baby boy and a new house for us with my two children from previous marriage. All my friends and family can see how much we love each other and we truly are soul mates. Or so I thought. He has just told me that he cheated on me with a woman he met in a night club the day after we returned from a holiday with the 3 kids in september 2006. It wasnt the best holiday in the world as my husband expected peace and quiet and relaxation and of course with a toddler a teen and a pre teen it was anything but. he was also in the process of changing his business to one that meant he would be working closer to home and less money so things were a little stressed. He ended up taking her number because they chatted about their respective step kids whilst his brother chatted up her mate and even though she lived 50 miles away they built up a text relationship that ended up with them sleeping together when she visted her friend here 4 months later. The second time he slept with her a month after that he told her he loved me and couldnt do it any more. He hasnt been himself since then so i knew somthing was wrong and he finally confessed as it was eating him up inside. Ive phoned her without him knowing - found the number on some old phone bills - easy to track as there were 18 texts or more some days and she confirmed everything and was just as mortified as he was. She sounded really nice and she's my age which helps a lot as if it had been some slapper it would be much much worse for me to bear. She also told me he ended it but she was happily married too (?) and glad it was over. She said he had told her I was beautiful and he didnt want to hurt me anymore than he had already. I love him dearly and he is his old self again and we have got that closeness back again but I dont know how to really forgive even though i said i had. It hurts me so bad as I honestly never never ever expected this man to betray me in any way. My first husband was abusive physically to me and also had 5 women during 17 years together but it didnt hurt as I didnt love him by then - we met at 15. Will it get easier? I just keep crying when he's not around as I cant believe he would want to do it - he truly is sorry and cant do enough for me at the moment. I find myself bending over backwards to please him in case i push him to do something. I cant talk to anyone about this as it would destroy my family and children and I dont want them to hate him, all my friends adore him too. he is a great dad and husband apart from this one mistake. How can I move on and not let it tear me apart inside - can I really forgive and forget. Please help - I know he did wrong but I need some advice about our future
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Obviously what he did was wrong and you are right to feel deeply hurt. I'm not going to try and defend what he did.
On the plus side, however, this almost looks like a textbook example of a sincere person who couldn't live with what he was doing:
1. He broke off the relationship himself, and for the right reasons (he loved you). The other woman has confirmed this. If he'd only broken it off after being found out, it would be much worse.
2. He clearly showed the strain of his guilty secret, so he isn't one of these seasoned calculating cheaters who know how to pull it off smoothly.
3. He confessed when you confronted him, rather than denying it.
From your description, he seems like an honest man who made a stupid mistake, and my feeling is that he is worth staying with. Something tells me he is truly sorry and won't be doing something like this again.
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (29 April 2008):
 It does sound as though he's got off lightly but I cant walk away from 3 children and I want to work this out without family knowing. We went away for a weekend to be alone and had some serious heart to hearts. In some ways I love him more because he had the guts to tell me I just wish he had done it sooner! He knows if he does it again its the end for us as I can forgive a mistake but to do it again would be more than that
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Trust takes a while to build up so don't be too hard on yourself. It's never easy to accept that someone who loves you can hurt you. You have to accept that what he did was wrong. Be angry about it if you have to but you also have to accept that no-one is perfect and we all make mistakes...even big ones. If you want to make this work, truly try to forgive and forget. Take the focus way from what he did and move it back to your relationship and try to grow beyond it. You are still hurt and its ok but you have to find the strength to fully forgive so you can grow past it. I wish you good luck. I've been there its not easy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): Don't bend over backwards to please him, you can't go through life worrying if you annoy him he go off and cheat. Did you leave him at all? did you let him of the hook quite easily? if you did then maybe he will be more tempted to do it in the future. Some people don't realise what they got till it's gone, sometimes if your life seems perfect it really isn't.
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