A
female
age
30-35,
*uppymug
writes:Dear Cupid!I am currently in a relationship with my guy for 4 years and from the beginning of the relationship I was not sure if he's the guy for me but I ignored the feeling cause I'm not a risk taker and was scared to be alone. Now we have come very far in the relationship but my family does not like him for various reasons and I am not sure if I want to lose my family to be with him. Also we have still not taken the big stage in our relationship cause I was never ready and did not want to risk losing myself to someone I was not sure of and he has been pressurizing me for a long time about it now and almost forced me but it never worked.Also we have totally different interests and beliefs, very different upbringing and cause my parents don't like him he's starting to hate them too.And recently I got to know this guy from my work place and was put in for a project together and became really close. Even after the project we have been keeping in touch, chatting every now and then. At first all of my friends said that he likes me and even I kind of believed it with the way he acted around me and paid attention to me. But we only chat now and doesn't get to see each other anymore and I'm not sure if he does like me. But I really like talking to him cause it's very comfortable and he is also very close to my ideal type of guy which my boyfriend is the totally opposite of. And we have a lot in common as well. I hardly get to have a deep conversation with my guy cause we never understand each other and most of the times would end up with a fight if I ever talk about certain things I think needs to change in our relationship. My guy mostly talks about getting physical with me and we never have normal conversations like how our day went and though I rant about my day and my problems he never shares his with me. I have told him many times about this but he never listens. He's also very stubborn and hard headed and lately has been trying to do something that I specially do not like and something that my parents would never approve of either.But with this other guy it's really easy to talk. He tells me about his hard times and is very open with me and he likes most if the things that I do too. He knows that I'm in a relationship and he always says that he wouldn't come between a relationship. But has hinted a couple of times along the line that he would have pursued me if I was single and that he would like to have a girl like me cause of the sacrifices that I do for my guy. He knows that I have been having issues in my relationship but has never tried to take advantage of if and he has always been very supportive of me. I know that he likes talking to me cause he starts most of our conversations and sometimes I feel as if he's pulling himself back when we continuously talk for a few days. He wanted me to find him a girl and says that he would wait for me to find one rather than finding one himself but lately I felt like he has someone else but when I asked him if there's anyone he likes he said that the people that he likes are all taken and that he still doesn't have any potential girls. He never supported my relationship with my guy before but lately he has been supporting us together and this confuses me. My guy doesn't like him but I have told him that I like to have this guy in my life as a friend and that he can't stop it. And also I think I like this other guy but I'm not sure upto which extend. Cause I get nervous when I'm with him and start sweating and stammering specially cause whenever we meet and talk he looks at me very intensely. I don't know what I should do now. I don't know if I can work things out withy guy mostly because I have never felt sparks when I'm with him but I know that I would never cheat on him or start a new relationship with the other guy if he even likes me.But I know that I like that other guy and I feel jealous about this other girl he seems to be talking to lately, but when we frequently met he paid me more attention than my guy cause he has noticed things about me which my guy never has. Also he kept on bringing up about us meeting for coffee or something like that but I kept on turning him down in a friendly way as I can not do that when I still have a guy. Please tell me what I should do!! And do you think that this guy likes me?? Please let me know your opinion cause I'm very confused at the moment.
View related questions:
jealous, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Puppymug +, writes (8 May 2016):
Puppymug is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your responses!! I think I now get it. I'll have to find myself and be more independent and strong before I can jump into another relationship. I think I was scared of not being in a relationship cause I never had a guy when I was schooling and only got one after I was done cause it's very hard for me to find someone that I would like the slightest bit to be my boyfriend. And also when you are working on it's hard for a single girl cause a lot of rumors start spreading and a lot of players would try to take advantage. But I guess that is something I need to learn and overcome and something that should make me a strong woman by not being used by anyone. I will have to break things with my guy even though that would hurt me and him both cause I think that I need to find myself too. Thank-you for all the help you all gave me to make my decision!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 May 2016):
 Why do you need to be in a relationship? What is so scary about being single? Jumping from one guy to the next is never a good idea. It doesn't give you time to think, and you end up with the same poor relationship as before, just jumping from one to the other.
My aunt always said, and it took me years of maturing to understand this: It is better to be alone, than to be with the wrong person.
And this is the truth. If you HAVE to be in a relationship, no matter what, then stick to your man. Be miserable. Feel unfulfilled. Don't live out your dreams. Don't laugh and have fun and enjoy life. Just stick to him and "be in a relationship".
Yes, you are with the wrong guy, but until you learn to be okay on your own, with YOURSELF, you will always just be with the wrong guy.
"he would have pursued me if I was single and that he would like to have a girl like me cause of the sacrifices that I do for my guy. " So with this guy you would be expected to sacrifice yourself as well. And be just as miserable as you currently are. Oh SURE he listens now and seems like a great guy, but so did your current guy, only that was 4 years ago and you don't remember it now.
Figure out a plan to leave your current guy. It seems clear that your relationship isn't much to salvage, and you aren't happy being with him. But please, ditch the idea of this new guy. You are not happy in relationships right now, doesn't matter what man, because you need to learn first how to be happy WITH YOURSELF. If you can't enjoy life on your own, what are you supposed to be doing in a relationship? Keep on sacrificing yourself? Is that your answer to happiness in life?
Make a plan to end things, live on your own if you aren't already, get your life on the track you need it to be. Drink a cup of tea and ponder about YOUR life, not "relationship-life". You. Put yourself in the spotlight here. Who are you, on your own? Not in a relationship? Without sacrifices? Without arguments?
When you are in the right place with yourself, that is when you will be ready to meet the right man for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Puppymug +, writes (7 May 2016):
Puppymug is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I get what you are saying. My guy is very possessive of me but he was never violent or never abused me. I think I love him because we have shared 4 years of our lives together and also because we have so many mutual friends which was actually the reason for the beginning of our relationship. He does love me though. He always talks about how he only wants to spend his whole life with me and he always try to make me get along with his family a lot and they do adore me. It's just that we are both each other's first girlfriend/boyfriend so I don't think that he really knows the things that needs to be done in a relationship other than the physical part. I read alot and I'm a hopeless romantic but he's not into romance at all and does not know how to do sweet stuff. And when I bring it up he gets me stuff that are material which is not what I'm looking for. I'm the type of girl that would be touched by just the thoughtfulness of one person. That is the main reason I was even drawn to the other guy cause he was always very sweet to me and was very thoughtful. Like this instance where I was really hungry as I hadn't enough time to have lunch cause I was too busy and he kept on telling me to eat but I just waved him off cause I didn't have time and he went and got something for me to eat just so I won't be too hungry. Those are the kind of things that my guy doesn't really think and do. He does them only after someone points out that it should be done. What you said is true, I am scared of being alone. But I'm also scared of hurting my guy and making him hate me. If we are going to part ways I don't want to hurt him too much and make it ugly.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 You say you love your guy but how can you?? Read back on the post, you speak so negatively about him, he does not listen to you, he tries to force you to do things you don't want him to do, your family don't like him, he doesn't make an effort, no spark, no attraction. Sweetie what is it you love about him? Are you sure you love him or are you just scared off being alone?
If you don't think he is the man for you then you need to end it, because it is not fair on either of you. Don't go running to the other guy, you need to be on your own, and learn to be on your own before going after someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, Puppymug +, writes (6 May 2016):
Puppymug is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all thank you so much for your opinion on this!! Actually me and my guy we both work at the same company and same department and the other guy is working in a different branch. And though I don't have sparks with my current guy I do love him and we have shared a history of 4 years and I am scared to hurt him by just telling him that I don't think he's the one for me. And apart from that now that the guy is supporting me with my guy which is a different thing coming off of him I feel frustrated and I miss him when he doesn't talk to me now as much as we used to. I'm confused about my feelings for him as well as his feelings for me.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 Ok I'm not sure why you're with this guy you have zero interest in. No spark and nothing in common? So no lust and no love? Just desperation? That's not fair to either of you, break up with him. BUT--Don't jump into the next relationship with this co-worker, take time to be alone. It is important to stand up for yourself, and do what is right for you, which gets you closer to your more authentic self. Then, with a clear head and with time, decide what you want to do with this former co-worker. Good luck!
...............................
|
