A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex boyfriend of two years and I broke up two years ago for MANY reasons I will not discuss. He was my first love (as I was his) and I had given my all to him (well, everything but my anal virginity). There were a few times throughout this relationship that I really thought he was the one. Simply because we were so comfortable with each other but also because we had been together so damn long. (Mind you, this was a high school relationship, so of course two years was a long time.)Here's the tricky part: Unfortunately, for about a year and a half after we broke up, we kept coming back to each other. Maybe because we thought we could make it if we both just changed everything about each other or because the sex was amazing when we were pissed off at each other. In the end, we were never right for each other but we were still so comfortable.Well, I took last-ditch desperate measures to get out of this horrific round-a-bout relationship (if I DID go into details, you'd understand why I said that) and FINALLY got my parents and the cops involved. At this point in time, he was borderline stalking me. I had to do something; I was getting to the point where I either killed myself or I just started "cheating". Even though he and I hadn't even been "together" in over a year and a half.I haven't seen him since the end of June when I started dating this other guy who has liked me since sophomore year of high school. I'll be honest, I'm amazed at my new boyfriend's patience. And I haven't spoken to my ex since the middle of August. Before that, though, I hadn't spoken to him since the month before. At this point, all emotional ties HAVE been severed other than the knowledge of a shared two years in the past.So why is it, that after all this bullshit, after writing down list after list of reasons why my ex and I are just horrible together, after all the craziness of cops and parents and threats and everything else, I still don't feel that all-consuming, pressure on the heart love for my new boyfriend? I felt it with my ex. But maybe because he was my first love and maybe because it's only been recently since things have finally bounced back to what they used to be before my ex and I started dating only now I have two years of relationship experience?I love my new boyfriend more than anything in the world but I wonder if my heart isn't giving in yet because I can't stand to be hurt like I was before? I know for a fact that my new boyfriend would never purposely hurt me (he's literally vowed it to me). We've been together for four months now and the first time he made me cry was just the other day because he thought he was holding me back and almost broke up with me for it. At this point in time, it sucks to be away from him for more than 24 hours. He treats me like a queen and I never got that with my ex.He's told me once that I'm the only woman he can see himself growing old with and that he can't wait til we're married and have kids! He wants to be a husband and a father and a home owner more than anything else and he told me I'm the perfect woman for him to become all those things. I swear, the man has been the biggest sweetheart to me but my heart won't let him all the way in! I want it to, but it won't!What do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): I am the original poster and the abuse consisted mostly of verbal abuse. Physical abuse usually came about when I would smack him on the head for saying something like another girl was hot or he wishes I was someone else. And that would result in him kicking me in the chest or raping me. Like I said...
The guy is 6'4" and pushing 300 lbs. At the time of the relationship, I was only 5'3" and 110 lbs. HUGE size difference. My new guy is 6'1" and 270 lbs (though he seriously doesn't look more than 220 lbs). I tend to go after the bigger guys and I think it's because it makes me feel safer. I don't know...
On a side note: To the male anon, there were no drugs or alcohol involved.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): Give it time.
Really, you have to trust, really trust, that you can be vulnerable in a relationship and not get badly hurt.
One thing I would say is that you already have a history of abusive relationship, and "why" you would do that is important.
You may not know how to have a real intimate and non-abusive relationship and may need to learn that. Somehow you learned how to have a dysfunctional relationship, now learn (which is much harder by the way) to have a loving intimate and fulfilling relationship at multiple levels.
What else is there in the mix?
Drugs?
Alcohol?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Just give it time. He sounds like he would understand also but be honest with him and tell him. Its only been 4 months with him and you came from in some way an abusive relationship. You are young, that guy was your first love, it cant be easy to get over and that is understandable. Think about this you were with that guy for 2 years, you have been without him for 2 years now and it sounds like this is your first serious relationship since the abusive guy. You just have to give it time, whats the rush?
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