A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have two sons. They have an older half sister from my husband's first marriage. About ten years ago, my youngest son, Kyle, married a black woman (we are white). My oldest son, Phil, did not like her and talked to Kyle about it which led to a major argument which included Phil using a racist word. Since that argument ten years ago, Kyle and Phil have not talked to each other. Phil regrets his actions and tried to contact Kyle. Kyle refuses to have any contact with Phil.Phil was not invited to Kyle and Paisley wedding. Phil have never even met his 8 years old niece. Kyle says he needs to protect his family, and based on the argument, that means keeping his brother away from his family. Kyle and his half sister have become close to the point where they (Kyle and Paisley) asked Kristy to be their daughter's godparents. Brad does want his brother back in his life and wants to be a good uncle to his niece. He has been to therapy for depression.My question is their anything I can do to help Kyle and Brad fix their relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2020): Leave them alone. I know as a mom you want your kids to have a good relationship, but let's be real--this separation didn't happen because it was just one racist word that was uttered. This was decades of resentment and differences between your boys. If they had a very strong bond and no other issues, then it's same to assume that that one slight would not have ended it all.
Let them be able to not talk to each other without feeling pressure to continue a toxic relationship with their brother just because their mom wants them to get along.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2020): I am going to assume that Brad's "talk" with Kyle was a racist attack on his then girl friend. Which you blithely gloss over. If I'm right and I'm 99.9% sure I am I can't blame Kyle for not wanting his wife and child around a racist.
You can ask Brad to write a letter of apology to his brother and his wife and then ask them to read it with an open mind.
Then you should butt out and let them settle it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 November 2020):
 Suggest that Phil Write his brother and SIL a letter to apologize and perhaps for forgiveness and a second chance.
If Kyle IS NOT interested in reconciliation, that is HIS right and you need to but out.
Phil was TOTALLY in the wrong. He has to live with the consequences of his actions, words and deeds.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2020): [EDIT]: Typo correction.
"These are grown-men and they have to work their own issues out together. You unknowingly will not be able to remain neutral; you'll choose Brad's side, because you're concerned for his feelings.
P.S.
If Kyle refuses, then you'll become angry; and an advocate for Brad. Then Kyle will feel you've chosen his brother's side; and then he will be at odds with you! He won't think you actually realize or can appreciate how deeply he and his wife are hurt.
Third-party interference doesn't always broker a good outcome. This is too emotional, and you're their mother. You want them to make up, and have an immediate reconciliation. Forgiveness of this situation is strictly up to Kyle and his wife. Can you see Kyle's side of this as evenly as you see Brad's? If not, that's why it should be left between the two of them to work it out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2020): You can do some gentle urging; but you're their mother, and that's not necessarily possible. Your interference may be more trouble than help. Remain neutral and leave it up to the two sons. You can preach the virtues of forgiveness; but if you can't keep your nose out of their business, remain silent about it.
Only God knows what's in our hearts. Your son pushed the issue so hard that he used a racial slur in anger. He didn't suddenly decide to love his sister-in-law, and Kyle isn't that naive.
He showed his true colors, and wanting his brother's forgiveness may not include accepting his wife and daughter. He knows his brother well enough to know how sincere he is.
He would have to consider the possibility that he just wants to dismiss what he did to soothe his guilt; but he may not be truly remorseful for what he said and attempted to do.
Everyone wants and deserves forgiveness; but that doesn't mean you have to be around the person who offended you. You can fake regret in order to have your way; or you can really mean it. Kyle has to choose between the safety of his family; and whether his brother is truly sorry for attempting to destroy his relationship. Forgiveness is not forgiveness, unless is it rooted deep in your heart.
Pray for your sons. Let God be the means by which two brothers reconcile. You cannot force it. Being a mother, your instinct would be to do just that. You don't feel what Kyle and his wife feel. Your love overwhelms your emotions; and you don't see the full ramifications of Brad's actions. Forgiveness may not cure his depression, it may have many causes; and it's not an excuse.
The ugliness of prejudice runs deep in the blood, and takes years to reform out of people. It is hatred. I'm biracial, and I've seen how nasty, hurtful, and destructive it can be.
These are grown-men and they have to work their own issues out together. You unknowingly will not be able to remain neutral; you'll chose Brad's side, because you're concerned for his feelings. Brad tried to destroy his brother's relationship; and he allowed bigotry and hate to be the motive behind it. He misses his brother and wants him back. Kyle and his wife are now one flesh. He can't accept one without the other. You don't know entirely what transpired, or all the details. Allow Kyle to decide when he's ready to reconcile with his brother. You stay out of it.
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