A
female
age
41-50,
*groovy
writes:I went out witht his guy for 5 months, he told me he couldnt have children because of his medication he takes for his epilepsy. Lo and behold I became pregnant, I decided to keep the baby and split with the father N, because to be honest the guy is a complete loser and conman. He has conned people out of thousands of pounds, bunked his rent and he has regular epileptic fits. I didnt want him in my life and I certainly dont want him in my sons life, due to him being inconsistent, irresponsible, a conman and a liar. I never put him on the birth cert. For the 1st 6 months of my sons life, it was hell, he would see my son every now and again, he only paid me £130 in 6 months for maintanance. I tried to be amicable, but N just wanted to take my son over night even though I was BF and have him all weekend, he would expect me to drive 4 hr round trip with my son (N cant drive cos Epilepsy) and the 2 occasions I went to go meet him, he would constantly call, text whilst I was driving asking where I was, when would I arrive. During the week he would badger me with texts and phone calls, always arguing with me saying I was being difficult and unreasonable. All I ever wanted off N was £30 per week and to see his son once a week. This wasnt alot to ask, but he could never accept it being on what he'd call my terms, even though it is best interest for my son. Eventaully it all got too much I drove to London to meet N on the way there I had numerous missed calls and texts again asking where I was, leaving angry msg's I met wit him 20 mins late. He started shouting at me in front of my son. So i decided it would be a good idea to get a solicitor invovled. A letter was sent out to N, he never replied, the phone calls and texts stopped, no visits, not a word for 3 months. Then N started calling again, texting, I didnt answer and I changed my number. I sent another solicitors letter saying as he is inconsistent, he should apply for a court order to see his son. Again I heard nothing until another 3 months later. This time it was to appear in court. My solicitor sent him a letter saying about seeing my son at a contact centre and about transferring to a court near where I live. both of these he did not agree to. I was due in court and at the last minute N decided that he did agree to transfer the court to where I lived, even though he hasnt agreed to a local contact centre. so Im just waiting on a court date. As far as im concenrened i never stopped him seeing his son, that what his choice. I do not want this guy to be in my or my sons life. I dont want any money off of him. N has caused nothing but emotional upset in all of our lives.( i live with my mum) He is most unreasonable, he will never listen, he cant look after himself, he flits from job to job, house to house, he lives on his own, he has no family around him, I will not leave my son with him on his own and myself and son havent even seen him for almost a year now. so he has no idea who N is. Is it too late to say he is not the father? he is not on the BC and I have taken no money from him. Do I have to go through with this court?, could I just not go? I cant even get legal aid so I have no representation and afterall im my sons main carer, with N involved its always going to be conflict, he just wants to argue and fight with me, he will never agree to anything, even if it is my sons best interest, he didnt even want me to take my son on holiday last year. When my son is old enough to undersatnd I will tell him the truth but for now, he doesnt know who his father is. I have so much support from my family, my son is cared for and loved and everything is hunky dory. I just dont want the conflict to start again and I know it will if N is involved... any help would be greatly appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): Hi Kgroovy.
What on earth are these 2 other replies going on with?? I have been exactly where you are, I used to fear the phone calls the abuse,threats plus more. Both the reples you have had obviously have no idea whatsoever in children and psychology. Majority of children from single parent backgrounds are not all totally screwed up. Children only get like that when they witness their parents verbally and physically fighting and basically receiving abuse.
I grew up in a very abusive household watching my mother get beaten on a regular basis as was I. I promised that that would never happen to me. I have 2 boys 23 and 14yrs, 2 different dads. Both dads abusive and disrespectful, weed smoker, control freaks and down right stingy.
I raised the boys on my own, it is a struggle but worth every bit. The eldest now is a very successful business man the younger is in the top set in every subject at school. Both my boys are black, so it would be easy to stereo type!! How wrong.....
Keeping them away from their fathers was the best decision I ever made as a good parent.
Your baby fathers Epilepsy has no effect on his ability to be a father or to finacially provide....I never heard anything so ridiculous. Basically he is suggesting that if you have a disability you cant be a good parent...what a fool!! I have Severe Asthma and Sciatica I coped..
As for the finance get onto the CSA asap. Dont be scared, Why should he get away with it! CSA will tell you that just because he is paying towards his child, it doesnt allow him access. Start calling the Police when he hassles you, IT IS A CRIME!
Also, your child will not hate you from keeping him from his dad, he will thank you, mine do! they have seen their dads abuse me, believe me if you treat your children right they will stand by you, regardless.
These disputes you are having at the mo can be out to rest. STOP mediating, get your solicitor to move to the next level, he is obviously just out to make your life hell.
Failing this, find yourself a new life, the longer you are spending time entertaining him the less time you have to meet new people. Its all mind games and he knows exactly what he is doing. Move to a new area, get a fresh start. And whatever you do, do not confide in any of your friends which know him...Say nothing.
I know what I write may come aross as severe, but we are talking about 2 human beings, you and your son need to start living and enjoying life...instead of gearing towards a nervous breakdown....Please stay Strong and All the best my heart is with you.....
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 April 2010):
 You must tell your child who his father is, and why you had to remove him from your life. I beg mothers to try as hard as they can to stay in contact with their child's father unless there are special circumstances.
Sexual, physical or child abuse... cut contact right away.. If the father messes the child around, is never dependable or breaks promises often, this is a reason to protect your son and cut contact with the father.
Little children depend on adults, and the can grow to have abandonment issues if their parents break promises. Your child comes first, being in contact with the father will make your child unhappy. Do not take the father of the birth certificate, children like to know they have a father. When he is of age, give him all the documents, court papers, solicitors letters, and then he can track down his father if he really wants to see him.
If the father wants to contact you or your child, he can either contact your parents or contact the courts and ask for access.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (1 April 2010):
 This guy maybe a loser, but he is also the father of your child. I appreciate you are angry with him but you have to think about the future. At some stage your baby may turn into a rebellious teenager who blames you for not seeing his father. Your child may go off and try to find him. I don't think the fact that he has seizures makes him a loser, and it is possible that his epilepsy affects aspects of his behaviour. If he behaves badly towards other people then it a character flaw, but it doesn't mean he is not the biological father of your child and does not have rights. I think his access to your child should be supervised because if he has uncontrolled seizures and there is no one around then it is a safety issue. The courts could ask for a medical report from his GP to confirm the situation. There are family centres where access can be facilitated. You could say you made a mistake about him being the father but you would have to pay him back any child support, and a DNA test would verify the situation. I think you are right to get the courts involved to sort out this issue once and for all. However, if you say he is not the father to the courts and they later find out that he is through a DNA test then it could get you into legal hotwater. You probably know that the father does not have automatic parental responsibility in law for your child in the way you do as a mother. This is because you did not name him as the father on the birth certificate and were not married to him at the time of birth. He would have to apply to the courts for parental responsibility and you could raise his inconsistent behaviour as a concern. I think if you can persuade the courts that this man is a risk to your child (medical and character grounds) then it maybe possible to persuade them to permit access only through supervised family centres (contact centres). This perhaps makes it more awkward for him and you would not have to see him regularly to drop off your child as staff could supervise the exchange. I think it is worth calling social services and explaining the situation to them. If the father is a child neglect risk then they could do an assessment of his parenting ability.
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