A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it possible to forgive a cheating boyfriend? I dont know what to do. I was with my boyfriend for 3 years and we were friends for much longer. He is a kind hearted gentleman but the past 6 months something came over him. I am 22 and he is 25, he is not from this country, he is from Portugal. He has always been quite insecure and always needed attention. He always talked about me having his kids, and us getting married in about 2 years. If it wasnt for me his life would be a mess. I helped him with everything, he recently graduated from college and if it wasnt for me hed still be there. I knew and loved his whole family and the same with him and mine. During the school year I found out that he has a "study buddy" and this buddy was a girl, I was ok with it because I trusted him and the way he spoke of her was horrible. Shes bisexual, shes younger and excuse my language she was known as a whore, it went around the school how she was dirty, etc. He would talk about how I had nothing to worry about, shes ugly and that he loves me and would never ever be untrue, all this was about a year ago. His 25th birthday was in the Spring and I had a big surprise picnic for him. While he was playing basketball i used his cell phone and i got a text from this buddy saying when will you f*ck me again? so i wrote back to this girl saying you know i love my girlfriend so what are you talking about? and she said i dont care about her i just want to have sex with you. I was appalled and i called her and told her off and asked if they did anything and she said no never and then he got on the phone and told her off and said to never talk to me again. A week went by and i guess he called her because he felt bad for how things went, and throughout the summer they remained friends. About a month ago she approached me through an email saying they did have sex a couple of times and he said that its true and that it was all before his birthday! I dont know what to do, he is begging and crying and saying it was the worst decisions hes ever made, he said she meant nothing but he felt bad for cutting her off like that, she is psychotic!! She talked about killing herself if they didnt remain friends. I broke up with him! I hate her and I hate him! I know he regrets everything and i know that he is just very insecure but in the end he is truly sorry. Is it possible that I can ever forgive him for what he has done? Can he really change and never do this to me again?
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female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (4 November 2007):
 Honey, the question is, can you trust him again? If you're having doubts about it, trust your instincts.
Let me share something with you. My daughter's dad and I was suppose to get married, too. He cheated on me. I forgave him and he did it again. I left. Once he cheats, you will always have it in your mind, where is he really? Is he with another girl? You will always have that in your mind. That will not go away.
Everyone deserves a second change however, it's all up to you. If you feel you can't trust him, don't do it. He needs to regain your trust. That will take a lot of work from him.
Take your time. Take sometime apart from him to think about what you really want. Is another broken heart meant for me to stay in this relationship? Think about it, girlie.
I feel your pain. I am with you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): Forgiving and getting back together are two different things. Forgiveness is not only possible but nearly every major religion recommends it. Unless you forgive you can never truly move on.
However I see no reason to get back together with him and several reasons to stay away. Him changing is always possible but don't bet your feelings on it.
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A
female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (4 November 2007):
 Your ex boyfriend might change - he might realise what he has done and the great girl he has lost because of his stupid actions, but then again he might think "ah ha, I've got away with it once, I can do it again!". Or he might go the other way, which I strongly feel he will after you saying he is very insecure, in which he will become paranoid and extremely insecure that you will seek revenge and cheat on him, thus him fearing commitment and fearing iopening up to you totally.
He didn;t show alot of loyalty to you, carrying on contact with this girl. How dare he! You have every right to be livid with him, what a rat. If he had of cut all contact with her immediately, then maybe you should have thought about it. But he pushed you to your limit, he pushed your trust to the limit, you deserve much better than him!
You need a man that you won't be wondering if he might be cheating, who he's really with when he's out with his "buddies", if he says a girl is ugly does he really fancy her? Etc. Trust is hard to win back, harder than you might imagine.
Take my advice, go through a little heartache, get over this jerk, and when you're ready and after you've had some fun being footloose and fancy free, find yourself a decent, caring, loving, secure MAN!!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (4 November 2007):
 Hi,
Only you can decide the answer to this question. This wasn't a one night stand , it was a relationship over a protracted period of time, he was living a double life - having sex with this "buddy" while cosing up to you .
If she is still "friends" with him, you would be a fool to go back to him.
The worrying thing here is all the blame seems to be aportioned onto her, he is as much to blame as her, in fact more so as he is the one in the relationship. I just dont get that tone from your letter that's all.
I dont think he's being entirely honest with you, this may be to protect you from further earth shattering confessions - but if you believe they only slept together twice your living in denial. And if you believe they can remain friends, then dont be surprise if more surprises pop up in future.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): I wouldn't forgive him if you paid me. What he did was horrid girl! Just horrible! And to top it off he is still friends with her?? This guy has no respect for you. Don't even give him one second of thought. Cry. Scream. Punch your pillow. Curse him out in the privacy of your home. Paste his picture to a punching bag and beat the shit out of it. But DO NOT forgive this man. MOVE ON. And just so you know, if you forgive him, he absolutely will do it again. I guarantee you. In fact, I would bet you a million dollars he is still sleeping with her as we speak. I know it hurts so much. I have been there. But be proud. Be strong. There is no better feeling in the world than to survive something like that with your dignity intact. So move on. And don't ever let him see you cry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): Personally i couldnt forgive someone for doing that to me it would always be in the back of my mind. Some people maybe could if they were strong minded people. Men can say many things but do they mean it. I have split up with my fiance 3 weeks ago and we have been together 3 years. I found another girls number on his phone and i find that bad enough and i think he was seeing her behind my back they are now a couple and have been together for 2 weeks.
I could never go back there now because i couldn't stand the fact of how he went he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me but yet he still kissed and things with this girl which i think is intimate between a couple and he tret her how he tret me.
U maybe are stronger then me but do what feels right in your heart and dont let him change your mind by crying and begging you need to do it for you and not for him. Sit and think is this really what you want, and would it ever happen again and you would have to go through this all again.
Hope this has helped you in a way.
Good luck and take care.
xx
P.S Listen to your heart
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