A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so my boyfriend cheated on me 7 months ago. I was extremely hurt by it but i took him back because i still loved him. We've been doing really well and i completely trust him again. The problem is that I just realized that when i heard he cheated on me i fell out of love with him. For the past 7 months I told him and myself that im in love with him because i was trying to make myself believe it. Unfortunately i just realized all of this and I desperately want to be in love with him again. I miss the butterflies i got in my stomach, the way i felt when i was with him, and the feeling that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I thought that all of those feelings had gone away because i was upset about his cheating, i didn't think i had fallen out of love with him. So now all i want is to be in love with him again. Do you have any tips on how to make myself fall back in love with him? Is it even possible? Can i fall back in love with him or is it too late? I appreciate any advice you can give me, thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): My sister took back her cheating bf.
He too made promises of it being a mistake ( he had an affair over 2 years), he promised he wouldn't hurt her. She blamed herself for the affair, started to be more affectionate, making more time for him.
She fell pregnant and he married her after some 16 years together as bf/gf.
Lately we started hearing whispers that he is cheating again. Did my BIL learn anything from being caught? I think he knows that she will now accept any sh1t he dishes to her. She doesn't want to believe the rumours. Somehow she is blinded by his actions.
Do cheaters ever change. Almost all cheaters I know just change their preys but continue after lieing low for a while.
So is your bf just like my BIL? Only you know him. Will he cheat again. Will he get caught? Can you trust him? Does he respect you?
Why are you now so desperate to be in love with him again. He hurt you. He destroyed you. Give yourself time to heal. Take all the time. Stop being so fearful.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): I believe it can happen but you have to want it to happen. My exboyfrnd hurt me so bad I can only feel hate for him years later. I would never want to love him ever again. I hate his existence.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous, what you said gives me hope that I will be in love with him again and maybe even more than before. He is commited 100% and says he will do everything he can to help my feelings for him come back no matter how long it takes. I believe he is truly sorry and will do absolutely anything for me. I just have to forget the past and give him an honest chance like you said. I'll try my best and hopefully it will work out! Thank you for all of the advice, I appreciate it :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): he now knows if he cheats you will take him back. You know he may do it again and as it's in him, probably will. some will,some wont. he already has. reality will hit home as soon as you don't know where he is. cheating is not usualy reassuring. it is the ultimate betrayal,and shows just how little they care.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (10 January 2011):
 You can't force yourself to fall in love with him again, things have changed and I think deep down, you don't fully trust him and probably never will. His cheating made you see him in a different light, maybe you use to see him as someone that would never hurt you, and now that he has your perception of him is completely different. There's no way to go back to how things once were after something like that. Face it, this is your mind and heart's way of saying he's not the right one for you anymore.
There are many situations in life where the phrase 'but I love him' isn't enough to justify staying with someone, and this is one of them. You may love him, and maybe at one time he loved you too, but it wasn't enough to make him consider how cheating would affect you. Some people believe it's easier to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission; he went ahead and took advantage of an opportunity, then came crawling back for forgiveness.
By taking him back you're teaching him there are no consequences to his actions, and you're still going to be there no matter what he does. What reason does he have not to cheat again if he didn't care enough not to the first time, and knows he'll have you to come crawling back to?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 January 2011):
Hi there. Relationships do go through different phases as time goes by. At first there's the butterflies in your stomach you speak of, which lasts for anything up to about 2 years. This is in the very initial stages of a new relationship.
Even though you say you trust him again now, the reason you have fallen out of love a bit, might be because you've passed the new stage. You are now 7 months further along into your relationship. It's probably into the next stage now, where you are getting used to each other.
Once the newness stage passes, it's impossible to get that feeling back again, because it's not new anymore. But love still continues, it's just different that's all.
The only way to get the "falling in love" feeling of a new relationship, would be to start a new relationship with someone else. All relationships change over time, it can't be avoided.
You can't pretend to feel what you used to feel, so there's no used in trying.
It's more a matter of trying to make your relationship now, as interesting and fun as it can be for both of you. Going out to different places and activities to what you always used to do. Make it an adventure as much as you can.
Have some time apart from each other, where you go out with your own friends for a couple of hours once a week. This breathes some fresh air into the relationship, and gives you more to talk about as well.
You could each take up a hobby or interest, that's fun to do and therefore makes you both more interesting as a result.
There are many ways to make life more interesting, the main thing is to add as much variety as possible, every single day.
Don't let boredom set in. Boredom can often spell the beginning of the end, so keep that in mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): You fell out of love with him, because he defied your trust which caused you phenomenal pain. You went through a transformation which hardened you against him. You suppressed your love for him as a means to survive the emotional and physical torment behind your traumatic pain. The ultimate result of all this is you have numbed yourself to him, again a defense and protective mechanism. Yes, it is possible that you can love him again and perhaps love him substantially deeper than you had before. This will only occur if he makes a voluntary, unfettered, dedicated, commitment to regaining 100 percent of your trust and you let go of the past and allowing him a fair, honest, resent-free chance.
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