A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay I feel like an idiot even writing this but I need other peoples insight.I was with my ex for 6 years, I have borderline personality disorder which caused alot of stress and fights and I believe ultimately was the ending of our relationship. If you dont know traits of bpd are abandonment issues, neediness, jealous, paranoid, impulsiveness, highly emotional/sensitive, see things in black and white, self harm, depression, anxiety, basically a hot mess and not ideal gf material but I am also the most kind caring and passionate person and give my all to an others, im fiercely loyal and love intensely. My dad once said that im hard work but interesting and wonderful and I took comfort in this I would like to think when I have my bpd under control that i can be a challange but worth it in the end. to quote the great Bob Marley -“If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” I know for someone who is meant to insecure i like to compliment myself sometimes :p its a growing process haha.He wasnt perfect either he put me down, he was threathened by my sexual experience over his, he didnt understand my disorder so when i cried alot he thought it was emotional blackmail, my dad used to also believe this, it is not true i couldnt control my emotions, but i forgive him for all his mistakes and cruelness because i know it stemed from his own insecuritys.Other than our issues I feel like we were very compatible sexually and as friends similar interests etc. people would often say we made the cutest couple and we would have beautiful babies, from the outside I think we must of seemed like such a great couple. So basically after years of my mental illness and the strain it took on him he broke up with me, on different occasions when i asked him post breakup he gave me different reasons why we broke up;-he just couldnt handle my issues anymore-other times he would say I had improved greatly and had in ways become the perfect girlfriend but just to much had happened and we had hurt one another too much plus he didnt like who he had become he was abusive towards me and cruel whereas in the beginning he was the sweetest boyfriend, well done I turned him into a monster :(-other times he said he just needed to be single, as before me he was in a long term relationship and just needed to be alone. The thing is very shortly after we broke up he started going out with a girl he had worked with, which contradicted his last reason for wanting to split. (he insisted she was not the reason he dumped me and that he only developed feelings for her after we broke up seems fishy!?for a while after we broke up and I hope before he got with her we continued to sleep together and hang out as friends all the time i was hoping to get him back, I asked if I got my emotional issues under control and we took time apart to grow did he think we could get back together in the future and he said yes possibly but not to put all hope on that.(friends told me he is only trying to save your feelings he has no intentions of ever getting back) I do feel like i was too clingy and if i had taken space in the beginning and been confident and independent he might of gotten back with me and never got with her, i guess ill never know.Its been a couple of years since we split and he is still with that girl, I have dated other guys who have been crazy about me and in some peoples opinions better than him, but i just cant get over him none of these other guys make me feel like he did, I know it could just be my disorder and I need to get over him as he has moved on but I cant help feeling we are meant to be together I havent been able to find the chemistry and connection we had with anyone else and I have a theory that some friends agree that he just got with her because she was there and it was easy because he is not the guy to go to bars and hook up he is a relationship guy he cant help it, and he is kinda lazy not ambitious in any area of life. I thought I was always his typical type from celeb crushs he had had, im pale skinned curvy big boobs dark hair, im alternative, feminine, passionate and feisty, he is kinda the opposite to me laid back, quiet, fair haired, but also alternative but less so than me. His new girlfriend is the polar opposite to me she is skinny blonde flat chested straight figure, more natural girl next door look and tom boy laid back type, on one hand i can see after the grief he had with me obviously he would enjoy an easy going girl, but having been always insecure about my body i cant help wondering was i ever his type or did he always prefer skinny girls (honestly do most men prefer types like her?) when i asked him when he got with her he said that was true that he liked how she was laid back and not as highly strung as me but she isnt as 'fun' as me, i took this as sexual by the way he said it and looked at me. but they are still together so maybe she is satisfying him in every, but he did stay with me a long time regardless of our imperfect relatioship.my friends and family said they always thought i was too good for him and out of his league yet im the one getting dumped and wanting him lol. But i honestly dont know how good or bad looking i am or a good catch all over because ive always been insecure but i get good looking guys. On good days I think im awesome gf material on bad days I just hate myself altogether thats my bpd :/So basically after all that waffle backround info my question is is he really happy with her or do I have a chance of winning him back, I know its rare but some couples do reconcile after years apart, he always said I would make my mistakes with him and be better with the next guy the thing is i made my mistakes and lost him but ive learnt from them and changed ive worked on myself and feel like a new women, ive been to counseling and gotten to know myself, i dont want to be better with someone new I want to give it another go and see how wonderful we could of been if my BPD hadnt ruined it for me.Please be kind I realise I sound like a foolish teenager but i guess im childlike in my fantasy of soulmates and I know what we had was special and intense, and I still miss my old best friend I thought i was meant to be over it by now time heals and all that jazz. I also think even if he did still miss me and love me he might never take me back for fear im the same and for an easier life with her, id rather a rollercoaster than a boring normal life but thats because its what i have and ive grown to embrace it lol.appreciate all your insight and advicethank you in advance
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): I am the person who asked the question dont know if I reply here or not!?
WiseOwlE - Im not using my bpd as an excuse for any behaviour but the fact is that it has taken me years to try control my emotions, feelings, self esteem and as you can all see I have a long way to go still, this is something I will have to deal with for life, I may never be okay or have a healthy relationship but I am still alive something which surprises me and I havent self harmed in two years, your right I prob am better than I was with him, and although I should of gotten better for myself I didnt totally because I didnt hold much value in myself my main driving force was to be a better woman for him, he always said no one else would put up with me and I always felt so lucky to have found him that I guess deep down I dont think its possible for me to find it again, I believe true love is hard to come by, it gets harder when you get older and I guess it feels near impossible when you have such an ugly personality disorder.
I wasn't being nasty in my description of her in fact Im envious of her because in many ways I think she is a better match for him, she is younger blonde thin, all usually more desired traits and being a tomboy is not an insult I see it as she is prob more liked by his friends she is sporty fit things i could never be, more secure in herself easy going, I said she is flat chested and a straight figure because I have always had a bad body image and he always said he loved my boobs and curves so it was a source of comfort to me, when he went for the opposite it made me feel maybe he never meant the things he said he liked about me, my brother and father like thin women they dont like big boobs so I was in no way putting her down, I was explaining my hurt and confusion that he went for someone so opposite to me. Even though I feel like you have judged me as most do as just using bpd for bad behaviour and that hurts I do agree with most of what you said and understand, I appreciate your advice so thank you.
femmenoir-
thank you for your kind words and encouragement, I don't know if im capable of ever being as happy and secure as you sound but it is nice to hear your story and encouraging :) I have been trying for my family as well as I know my bpd is a very heavy burden on anyone who is in my life.
I have been in and out of counseling over the years and as well as mental illness still being a stigma the mental health services are overwelmed and understaffed I am currently on a waiting list for a suitable course to help specifically with bpd, because I cant afford a private one, ironicly I got bumped back because ive stopped self harming and am not currently suicidal, although I am happy that people who are more in danger than me are getting prioritized, I still feel desperate to get my life sorted as the little girl I was before this took over my life is a distant memory and I want to have love and a family and dont want to waste anymore of my life.
thank you all for your advice and so kindly taking the time to help me, to be honest I guess I just needed to write my letter and hear what I already deep down knew, he has moved on, he is happy and he doesnt want me and I need to try harder to let go and get over it I just dont understand why it seems so impossbile to me. I didnt get into it before but im 99% sure he cheated on me with her which is something I never proved and half didnt want to believe but i was suspicious of their friendship while we were together, I think this is the main reason its taking me so long to move on, 6 years and he chose her so I would obviously love him to come back to me and to admit it was a mistake, maybe it wasnt my bpd maybe he did just leave me for her, ill never know because he denys it, and i am paranoid after all :/
I hate that I am this desperate pathetic person no wonder he moved on to a more stable healthy girl. And I know it is disgusting to compare yourself to others on looks but I was brought up in a family wear appearances has always been valued and talked about so its a hard habit to break.
My ex used to say that I was incapable of being happy and thats always been my biggest fear because when I was with him I was at my happiest yet I cried alot and self harmed fought, I dont do that now im better in control of my emotions than ever but I cant remember the last time I felt truly happy. I wasnt lying though I am in a much healthier place, I do understand myself better than ever and my jealousy does seem under control although hard to fully know when I am single.
I will take all of your advice like my friends and family have said all along and just try to accept what is for you wont pass you and move on, hopefully one day I will wake up and not care anymore I guess I thought I would never live through the pain of losing him and im still here doing okay :)
I think in ways when I met him I felt he saved me as i was bad before him I prob put way too much pressure and hope on him in my life and now he is gone its hard to learn to cop with life without him anymore because he was a great support even though in ways he put me down alot, in other ways he built me up.
I guess I would hope that if someone truly loved me they would of stuck around as I had gotten much better by the time he dumped me, but I guess I thought maybe even though he loved me no one could put up with someone like me with bpd. The truth has been staring me in the face if he wanted me he would be here and he isnt, after we broke up I took an overdose and he turned of his phone he said he did it to help me but my mam said she could never forgive him, she had always liked him but thought in the end he was cruel and disrespectful to me, Ive gone on long enough there are way to many more details to get into which only complicates my story more and I guess I dont want to say outloud because ive been in denial about what we had and how he felt about me.
Ive thought I hated this girl who 'stole' him from me (I know she didnt it was his choice but she still disrespected our relationship) but one truth I know is now I just want to be happy and have peace and no enemies, I try to embrace my personality and its flaws to accept it but I hate it and wouldnt wish it on anyone in the world.
I hope none of you reading this or those you love ever suffers from it or any other mental illness, those not effected have no idea how hard it is sometimes just to survive a normal day/life.
On a bad day I feel like a failure, the ugliest person inside and out, weak, unworthy etc.
On a good day I feel strong for getting this far and surviving life, I feel I love the person I am inside and kinda outside with makeup on :/ lol and I feel like I am worthy of happiness and love
I just hope I can once again be open to it like you advise because as most understand heartbreak can make it seem safer to avoid love and intimacy.
I feel like ive gone as far as I can on my own so really praying this DBT course comes through for me, I had no intention of breaking up my ex's relationship btw I was hoping it would end on its own but when I think of the beautiful loving guy I met I know he deserves happiness, im still working on how to forgive them, and if she is the one to give it to him then thats great I hope he is happy, Ill just always be crippled with regret that I couldnt of been that girl. Im sorry I hurt him and made him into the man he didnt like to become.
I will try forget him, improve myself and open myself to love, hopefully you are right and my real true love is out there and I will be healthy, happy and stable when I meet him :)
thank you all so much xx
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (18 February 2015):
 I also wanted to add that you should continue seeking professional Counselling, as you need to continue working on your own self confidence.
Please do what's best for you, not what's best for him!
Also, regardless of what anybody looks like, beauty is always in the eye of the beholder.
You don't need to look like a supermodel, because when you meet your Mr Right, you'll both know! ;-)
This is what we call true love.
Again, all the best!
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (18 February 2015):
Hi there,
i have read your entire msg with interest.
I must confess to feeling a wee bit sad for you, because i can see/feel, how much you loved your ex bf.
As the previous reader has said, you sound like a really kind, caring & loving soul & because you are such a person, you deserve to be truly happy & fulfilled within a relationship.
I do not wish to add any pain, to what you're already feeling, but facts are facts & as you've asked we readers a question, i will be brutally open/honest with you.
I agree with the last response. You have grown so much since you & your ex broke up. You know yourself better now, you have found more solace, peace, within your life. You sound quite content with your new life, although you mention that you miss your ex very much & you would prefer to be with him, over any new man.
The problem here is that your ex has made his own new choices & that was to hook up with a new woman, not long after you guys parted ways.
You must be very realistic about this, because as much as you may not want to hear me say this, i can almost guarantee that your ex is very happy & is not missing you half as much.
He may say he does, if & when you question him, just to satisfy/tell you, what he thinks you want to hear.
If truth be known, he isn't missing you that much @ all, bec if he were, he'd be with you right now, not her.
Do you agree?
I guess you have to weigh up all the pros & cons here.
You both parted ways a long while ago now, your ex has had much time to think, reflect, i am certain.
The fact remains that he has chosen another female over you & it sounds as though he is very content with her, bec they're still together.
Even if they did end it some day, that does not mean that he'd suddenly get the urge to rush straight back into your arms.
I say this for the simple reason that even if he did, it'd only be on the rebounds & surely you don't want that.
You are worth so much more than to settle for being 2nd best.
I am older than you, i have been in numerous long term relationships, i am female, just as you are & although i don't know you personally, we are all sisters in the global sense & i would like to think, that we all look out for one anothers best interests.
I have suffered in my life @ the hands of self-made bad decision making/choices & it is only now, for the first time in my long line of bad relationships, (with the exception of my last fiance, who was a very good soul, but i felt we were heading down different roads, so we split up, yet remained the v best of friends to this day), that i am finally getting married.
I am sharing this with you, bec when i was with my ex, we talked daily about how we'd be together forever, till death do us part, as quirky as that may sound.
We were so committed, so very bonded, yet i left him, the 1 man that i loved, more than anybody i'd ever loved.
My point is that you can love someone to death, but if the two of you have any type of issue, that issue may/can fester, get worse, to the point of a break up.
After that occurs, it takes time to realise why & often we don't understand what happened, nor how it could have happened when we were so in love, but everything happens for a reason, believe me.
I met the truest love that i have ever known, not long after. In fact, this union couldn't get any better.
It was well received by all who know both of us, from day 1 & i didn't even get questioned by my parents, as i did in the past.
My Mum told me she knew, the minute she saw us together, but more importantly, i knew!
What makes you think/assume that you can't find a bigger & better love some day too?
You must firstly believe in yourself & your ability to attract a good man/mate.
I am certain that you are a very beautiful person/woman, both inside & out & you ought to look @ yourself in the mirror each & every morning & tell yourself, "I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM SMART & I AM WORTHY!!"
Please do this every morning, after you see yourself in your bathroom mirror. It has the power to lift your spirits & it can work wonders.
You are young, full of life, you must go on without your ex now, if not for yourself, please do it for him.
Part of truly loving someone, is actually an ironic fact, but if you truly love another, you set them free, if they're not fully happy/satisfied with the relationship & your ex left you, because he wasn't truly content within.
This you must learn to accept, no matter how much it hurts you to admit it.
If you don't let go of the past, it will always nag/eat away @ you & ultimately, you are the only person who is going to suffer, bec the truth is, he has moved on with his life & even if he did wish to re-connect with you for whatever reason, he'd have surely done it over 1 yr ago, so really, there is no hope now.
I would even go as far as to say that yes, some people do reconcile after years &/or rarely, after many yrs, but you guys would never be able to go back to what you once had.
How could you? So much time in between would have changed everything & i suspect, you may begin to feel your BPD return sadly.
You would be questioning him about why he left, his relationship with the "other" woman, who meant more, was his love for her greater, does he still feel the same about you, even now. You name it, it will arise!
In the end, the 2 of you would once again part ways, bec it'd be way too much pressure/crap for your ex & for you yourself, you'd be feeling overwhelmed with creeping-in insecurities, so why even contemplate putting yourself through all that?
You need to sit down & ask yourself all these very important questions.
Kind of, be your own Counsellor, as hard as that may be to do, but do try it.
Also, i feel that you are in denial to some degree & i hope you won't mind me saying that.
By denial i mean, you have hopes of having him back in your life, almost similar to false prophecies.
You believe what you want to believe, to some small degree.
You must wake up to the reality of what is & what is, is that your ex has moved on & yes, without you in his life.
You are worthy of the very best, number 1 you must be to another, not 2nd best ok.
Do yourself the biggest honour & favour, open your heart to new love, please move on & give yourself the absolute chance of finding your truest love ever!
Yes, your truest love, he's out there somewhere, this very minute, but you just haven't found him yet. :-)
Good luck & please keep us posted! (I would like to know how you go)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): Think about a few things. It's not just in your case; but most reconciliations don't work. The odds are highly against them being successful; so don't unnecessarily tax yourself by trying. You'd be better off taking the risk on a new relationship, than risking the pain of breaking-up, yet again, with the same guy who left you in the past. Does that make any sense at all?
Now about her. Is it fair to put her down and say rude things about her appearance? Things didn't work out for you with him; so he found someone different. To call her flat-chested, toy-boyish, skinny, and all that is a put down. You didn't mean it in a nice way. A put-down or negative-comment about your appearance would not sit well with you; if someone said such things about you. You asked us to be kind to you; because of your issues. You should do the same for others.
Don't use BPD as an excuse to be rude or unpleasant; unless you're in the midst of an episode and you simply can't help yourself. Otherwise; just like any body else, mean is mean. You know right from wrong.
The less you have to do with him, the better-off you are.
You no longer need his approval or validation. He now belongs to someone else; and maybe that makes you want him all the more. Hoping against hope is hindering your growth progress. Getting over him and giving him up, will be a major break-through for you. It would mean you've healed and his hold on your heart is finally broken. Giving you the freedom to move on. To seek your happiness elsewhere.
He can't give it to you. That's why you broke-up. You admitted yourself; you're not easy to handle.
You will be dealing with your BPD for the rest of your life. You need to focus all your time and energies on yourself, in order to live your life as best you can. Take a long vacation from trying to deal with your illness in combination with trying to function under the stress of a relationship. The stress of a failing relationship can do a number on a person; whether they have a diagnosed mental-disorder or not. It takes a lot to make a relationship work. Both parties deserve to get back what they put into it. If things come apart, it's harder for you to make the mental adjustments. That's not your fault. He can only deal with that for so long; then you'll be demanding more of him than he can offer you. More than you can even demand of yourself.
It's not a good relationship when one person spends most of their time working around the other person's issues. There comes a point when it just becomes too hard to do that. You're right, he isn't perfect. Far from it; so don't expect it of him. He gave it a try, and he gets some credit for giving you six years of his life. You gave him six of years in return, and that's enough. It ended badly.
You said you're doing a lot better. Ever considered that may be because he's no longer your boyfriend? Ever considered that your condition got worse; because it was too much of a strain on you trying to stay in that relationship to make it work? Well, maybe he found someone else able to do that. So your focus should be getting over him, not figuring out how to get him back. That will only cause you frustration, and you'll relapse into depression under the rejection.
He has someone else now. They're still together; because he's happy with her. You have to be glad for them, and let him go. If it was meant for him to be with you, he'd still be with you. You never would have broken-up. It would have worked-out and endured. It didn't for numerous reasons. So why would you think it's going to work now? You still have BPD; even if you are better. He still has her; either for the better or worse.
He may compliment you,( mostly out of just being nice) and give you words of encouragement. He really shouldn't be in contact with you at all; while you're undergoing your recovery. It's causes you lingering attachment to him. That is counterproductive to your healing and detachment process. You should both be no-contact. Your fixation on getting him back is just another symptom of your illness.
That's an area that apparently still needs work and time.
A reconciliation with him is not what you need. You need to reconcile with your illness, and work on getting better; so he will no longer be a hindrance to your happiness. You'll be able to move on and actually find someone better for you, and more equipped to deal with your personality; along with that part of you that will always require work to control.
You don't need to reconnect. You need to seek more professional-counseling specifically targeting getting-over him, and moving forward. You're not changing for him; you should be changing for yourself, and your future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): As long as he is in another relationship I would forget it.
It's easy to fantasize on someone taken because you don't have to face the rejection because the answer is already to be expected as no.
Move on and leave the past behind. What is done is done. If you guys were meant to be, your ex would of married you within those 6 years. Instead you broke up. 6 years is a long time for courtship and if he was never serious enough to get engaged with you....then forget it.
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A
male
reader, dayvide  +, writes (18 February 2015):
 I think you should just try and move on. You seem to be a very nice person but don't put all the blame on you bpd.. If you try to win him back it might end up disastrous because the next time you do something he doesn't like he's gonna dump you and move on and its gonna really affect you and I doubt you will be able to handle it.. Surely you will still meet that great guy that you will go crazy about so just be patient and try to mingle
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (18 February 2015):
you sound like a very nice caring person who had a lot to deal with on a mental level and from my reading of the letter you are doing quiet well That why its so important not to have any stress or hurt in your life.Your ex-boyfriend is still with that girl-leave well alone because if you try and win him back and he rejects you you would be very depressed-hurt.Everybody has that special person that go out of their lives for one reason or another.But the key is to move on and make new friends.Best wishes NORA B.
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