A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:dear cupid.This is difficult for me to talk about. For the last 3-4 years my wife became very distant and independant. She was also quite secretive about how much she earned or where she was going. Basically I could never take an interest in her. She would always say "you don't like it cause I've got male friends" I honestly didn't mind as I kept telling her that. All I would ask her is just to let me know where she's going to be if I need to get in contact with her. As the months and years went on she started to stay out with " the girls ". At the time I trusted her so I never persued it.Last year we went travelling for a month and we argued quite a lot as she was very disrespectful towards mem which enevitably would cause arguments. 3 months after we came back, she wanted a divorse due to all the arguing. I agreed to it. Later that month she was spotted out with a man. Although by that time we were in seperate rooms, she was staying out all night. I was still curious as I wondered if she was having an affair. She always denied it in the past. Anyway the stupid women threw her mobile bill in the bin and found it, there was 34 pages of this one number at all hour of the night and text messagesAnyway I felt incredibly guilty for what I did and many years ago she gave me her hotmail password, which she did not change. One night when she was out, I checked her hotmail, and to my suprise, she was having an afair and was a mistress to another man, the emails contained highly explicit content and talks of marriage. He was also married and I'd heard about him from my wife in the past, she always refered to him as a womaniser then.I confronted her about this, and suprise suprise she denied it. Until I showed her the proof.She then she changed her attitude towards me almost instantly. She said I'll see a change in her. The affair basically went on for I believe 2-3 years.I gave her another chance to reconcile and to work things out, understanding that we did have problems that can cause people to stray. I however didn't and I could have but I love my wife. I must say it was the most painful, emotional experience I have ever had to deal with in my life. Since then things got better and now she has distanced herself from me again. She wants sex only when she wants it and not when I want it. During the credit crunch I have found it very difficult to support both of us as she lost her job just before I found out about the affair. I asked her sensibly for help when she starts working again, which has been 8 months. Her attutude has gone very sour and she could only say we'll see about that. She did lie to me for years about her earnings and claimed she earned a lot less.I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. I feel so in love, so hurt and so betrayed. I do know that she doesn't speak to this man anymore, she swore on her family's life. I also mentioned to her that if they were both to get married, why did the coward run back to his wife quicker than a greyhound out of the traps?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): Hi, I have had much time to think over the last few days and I have filed for divorce. Many people have told me the problem with my wife is that her parents have never taught her about making or gave her bounderies in life, especially when she was growing up. She was also never loved, so when I put 2+2 together I've decided as painful as it, I need normality and happiness. I dont want to waste any more time, effort or money for something that I may need to accept will never chamge. Many other people have told me, even people that have known her longer than me, she has always been the same because her upbringing gave her no direction on how to be life. And as I said in my article originally, she would ask me for something, I would say we couldnt afford it, so she would go to her mother. Many friemds and parents would normally say you have to live to your means and cut your cloth accordingly, but her mother doesnt do this. It is painful, but I guess I have to treat her like a drug which I now have to come off of that i've been addicted to for 13 years. It'll be hard, but the future will be bright, just not immediately.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies.
The difficulty is that she does not communicate with me and I always tell that we need to communicate. We have been for a few sessions of marriage councilling and she almost falls asleep in the sessions. She was seeing a therapist because of her past. Unfortunately she has had a very traumatised past, her father was violent towards her and her mother has had affairs as well. I sometimes thing that she doesnt know any different because she has seen her mother do it.
When talking to her about money when she does work she doesnt really pay her way enough and I told her that I need some help as we bought the house based on both our salaries as she keeps telling me that I should be earning more money!. I feel under a lot of pressure with this, I feel that I should be a provider, but to my means and bounderies.
With regards to the affair, this has been over for 6 months and I am suprised that she still rubs my face in it. What she doesnt realize is that when she rubs my face in it I will retaliate inevitabely. I often tell her to stop putting the knife in and turning it as it doesnt bring out the best in me.
I must say when I found out about the affair and we decided to work things out, I almost buried the previous relationship and started a new one with her, I was trying to rekindle things and give her a lot of attention. But from time to time I wouldnt stop thinking about the sex and forplay that she did with this man and then she said she couldnt come close to me, then the following day she would and it would be great.
She is very much a Jekyl and Hyde character with me. My counciller said that we both need to put the effort in, I have been putting in 150%, I feel she has only been putting in 30% when I think she should be maybe putting the same as me or slightly more to help me overcome her betrayal and build the trust quicker.
In the beginning when we moved in together I did notice she was very self centred and selfish and was never happy unless she had the material things of life.
Maybe it was partly my fault to give her what she wanted, as I want to make her happy.But when I lost my job there was a problem.
I would always try make us pull together when times were hard financially, but if I couldnt give it to her, she would go behind my back and go to her mother and her mother would give her, take her on holiday. I found this so very undermining and it caused more problems.
I find her behaviour is very child like. But for reasons I cannot explain, I am very much in love with her. My councillor said I maybe lust her a lot because you found out that another man had taken an interest in her and was getting close to her whilst she put you on the back burner so to speak.
He said it was quite normal under the circumstances.
I really wish she would change her attitudes towards me and not run from me, but she wants a divorse, then she doesnt want a divorse, she wont leave the house as she says its half hers, as it is, then she comes close to me......I don't know what to do :((
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (6 January 2009):
 She has not resolved her feelings and her actions are showing this, in my opinion. You sound very conflicted also, you love her but are furious with her at the same time. You called her 'stupid woman' in the post. She resents you but needs your support. She spent 2-3 years lying to you. This cannot be a pleasant environment to live in. I think you need to examine how the two of you have handled the reconciliation. Did you get professional help with this? A counselor to work through the unspoken issues that clearly are still at play here? She had an emotional attachment to another man, one that she was talking about marrying. She lied to you and has now begun to cut you out of her life again. What has changed between you that improved things? How did you go on from this very low point?
You didn't stray, as you said, but you did acknowledge that there were things on both your parts that would cause problems. Have you resolved your own issues? Is there something about the way you're treating her that has led to her seeking comfort elsewhere?
If you are serious about trying to work through this, pull out all the stops, see that counselor. Don't be shy or too independent to try. This is your chance to set things right, or to figure out that you need to let her go. This is not the time for a DIY relationship fix.
Good luck.
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