A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Do I forgive him and try to work it out???I met my boyfriend when I was 18, he was my first love, he was older than me (25) and i fell for him with in months.I knew when I met him that he had a past, he told me a lot about what he had done and the women he had been with, this didnt stop me falling for him, for the first three months of our relationship he would still act like he was single.After about a year he moved back to be near his family which was about 100 miles away, we still kept our relationship going and would visit each other once every two weeks. After a year I moved to be with him again, although I had my suspictions that he was up to his old tricks. I became very jealous of his every move. I would check his phone whenever I could and I would find texts to and from other women. We argued a lot about things like him drinking too much and ignoring my calls when he was out. The relationship became horrible at times. In the end I found my own new friends in my job and spent more time going out with them than spending time with him. When we did go out we would both cause stupid arguments. It came to a head when we were out one night and had a fight, he went home, I stayed out and returned about two hours later to find him asleep on the sofa. I looked through his phone again and found texts to a girl who I didnt know. I hit him to wake him up, and he went mad at me, we had a big fight which ended up with him kicking me in the head...I left straight away and called the police the next day, he was arrested and charged, I hated him but still loved him. After a few days I really missed him so I called, he sounded lost and was crying and saying sorry for everything. We met and he looked horrible, like he hadnt slept in days. We met a few times over the next week or so, he told me he was attending counselling and trying to be a better person, but I didnt trust him. I feel I never could. I told him I needed space to think, he agreed on the basis I had to try and believe that while we were apart he wasnt doing anything wrong. The next day I was in town with friends when I saw him drinking with another woman. He saw me and tried to explain that he was just friends but I didnt want to hear.Can I ever trust him after he has hurt me so many times? We havent spoken since and I still miss him, what do I do???
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): It just burns me up that women on this site giving advice are love sick over an alchoholic who has given them nothing but problems and pain, and somehow they think they love him and that it is OK to go stupid and throw their own lives away, sacrifice their own love life because some jerk won't give them what they want, won't grow up and give them what they deserve and somehow this translates into being noble, give him one last chance if you REALLY love him.
What a bunch of crap. People always tell us who they are if we will only listen, we teach people how to treat us by not standing up for ourselves and tolerating their bad behavior, past behavior ALWAYS predicts future behavior...and unless you enjoy living with a drunk who cheats on you and kicks you and whom you cannot trust, then get smart, get real and realize that your intense emotions caused by his mistreatment of you do not mean that you are in love. Intensity masks the reality of the situation. This guy IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU, HE ISN'T GOOD FOR ANYONE INCLUDING HIMSELF. Don't be stupid, you are NOT IN LOVE, LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HURT IT DOESN'T CAUSE BRUISES AND IT DOESN'T INVOLVE BEING WTIH A DRUG ADDICT OR AN ALCHOHOLIC BUT CODEPENDENCY DOES....YOU ARE VERY CODEPENDENT, YOU ARE AN ENABLER, UNTIL YOU GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN NEITHER ONE OF YOU IS GOING TO EVER BE HEALTHY. Make an appointment with a therapist and work on your own issues as you must have some to choose a man who mistreats you so badly....find out why you want to hurt yourself and maybe then you can choose better next time.
A
female
reader, angela2  +, writes (15 June 2008):
 When I read the words" he told you he was trying to be a better person, I feel so related and compelled to write. My ex(my first love) used to say the same words to me after he let me down again and again. You have no idea about how I have been going out of my way to help him. It is so weird that even if he was so undesirable that I still miss him much. Like you, All my friends and people I asked for help on this site adviced me to move on as they all think I deserve someone better. I do appreciate all the nice advice they give but my heart still takes over.We broke up 2 months ago and I have not contacted him for a while though I miss him. One thing unlike your situation is that my ex never got violent even when he was drunk( he is an alcoholic).
Things in common: my ex also was older than me(much older, more than 20 my senior). He also told me his past and how much he loved his ex who cheated on him, I still falled for him. However, I felt insecure and fear he might get involved with someone else. It is naturally for you to want so much to know things going on between him and other women when you are in love with someone. I had been there before. And even now if he has moved on still from time to time I wonder how is his life with his new girlfriend.
But no matter now how much you want to check the things, please try your best not to check the messages he sent to and received from other women. It is really not nice to do so.
I know it is easy for others to advice you to let him go and move on for he is no good for you.But it is much much harder to do so since your head is ruled by your heart. In my humble opinion, if you do love him, please give him one last chance. But you should communicate with him first. Try to sort things out by having a heart-to-heart talk and tell him if he let you down again he would not take him back. If you give him one last chance which he fails to grasp, then believe me it will be much easier for you to let him go by then.
Hope this helps. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): Please grow up and leave this loser alone. He has lied, cheated, kicked you in the head and you don't turst him...so unless you want more of the same then walk away and don't look back...you miss him? I miss a toothache too, but I wouln't wish it on my worst enemy.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (14 June 2008):
 Forgive him so you can move on, but do not get back with him. It seems as if he's too much of a player to be serious with you. Find someone who treats you well. Don't put yourself back in a position with someone who does not.
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