A
female
age
36-40,
*igcats623
writes:i am a 22 year old woman who has a guy friend for about 8 years. my boyfriend knows that i see him. my boyfriend and i want to get married. My guy friend and i say i love you all the time, we hold hands, we cuddle, though, i sleep over his house. Is this normal, and can i keep doing this with my guy friend after i get married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): mmmm.... my ex cuddling someone else and loving them.... passed that test, no problems.... I just asked are you kissing, are you having sex, nope, well then I'm glad you know how to share and receive love... But then again I'm strange that way. I don't know many people that could do this and not feel any jealousy... :0
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): you have to make a decision which is exclusive!
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (25 August 2008):
Hey, I used to do exactly the same thing with my mate Matt. He's lovely and had absolutely no interest in me in that way. However, when I got my boyfriend who would later become my husband it all stopped.
The way I think of it is "would I like it if my husband had a close female friend who he cuddled at night when he stayed over at her house?" Now I trust my husband to the end of the earth, but I would still go mad with jealousy knowing he was being that intimate with someone else. It has nothing to do with sex, it has to do with intimacy.
If you are not ready to be intimate with only one person for ever then you are not ready for marriage.
Good Luck!! xx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): To come straight to the point I disagree with everyone else, however, not in the way you would assume.
I have been with my girlfriend for a few years now, and we're discussing marriage as normal people do when they reach such an advanced point in they're relationship. If she were to come to me and reveal information about her and a guy friend doing the same things you say you do with your guy friend, I would SHIT A BRICK (please excuse the crudity of that but I really needed to get the point across). A girl that does that kind of behavior is in my personal opinion NOT ready for marriage or even a exclusive relationship. Thats cheating, emotional and physical. Easiest way to solve this kind of dillema, just put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he had a female friend he told he loved and cuddled with ect. If you can honestly tell yourself you don't care, your ok with him behaving like that, then your either lying to yourself or are destined to become a swinger.
Put yourself in your to be husbands position.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): You like to play games. I wonder what your fiance see in you. He must be insecure and low self esteem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Hi babes, maybe I got it wrong, maybe you guys just hang out and then you fall asleep.
Ok.. I'm a very cuddly person, I'll cuddle up to anything, and I've got some good men friends too. I hug them, cuddle them and say I love you too. I always have, even when I was in a relationship with my ex. But I never felt the need to stay over their house. I was living with my ex and I would always go home if I needed to sleep. My ex was very understanding, he knew how I was and trusted me totally, as I trusted him. I used to go on holiday with my girlfriend, and yes I met guys and made friends, and yes I cuddled up to them, because I like cuddling. But there was no sex involved, no sex, just like a big teddy bear. But this was because my guy was at home, when he was there, I didn't need to hang out and stay over with anyone else. Strange I know, but that's the kind of person I am, and my men friends, and boyfriends understand, that I don't cheat, but I can get very close and friendly to people I like, gender dosen't matter to me.
What I don't understand is why you would want to continue this when you get married. As I said, there was no need to stay with anyone else, because with my ex, I could cuddle and also have sex. Why would you want to stay with anyone else. It's not wrong to hang out and stay over, but when your living with a guy, why would you want to. My ex totally trusted me, and I always told him exactly what I was doing. But a lot of guys wouldn't understand, maybe your guy is just like my ex, and you are a bit like me.
I still have a problem, why would you want to leave your boyfriend at home. You can still hang out with this guy, but I missed my ex and I always went home. If he was arround, I would get lonely and want him only. We were in a long relationship (18years) and we got used to sleeping together. So why would you want to stay away, wouldn't your guy get lonely and miss you? My ex would, so I always went home.
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reader, Artistry +, writes (25 August 2008):
 Hi there, Are you sure you want to get married. It appears to me that you and your "play boyfriend", that would be my name for your friend. if you are ready to get married, you would not want to be cuddling with another man, perhaps you should just put the brakes on your potential marriage, and work out your feelings with your friend, before you go forward. Would you have a problem with your husband, should you get married, sleeping over at a female friend's home?
You are setting yourself up for dangersous things, if you keep sleeping over at this friend's home. Think, why would you want to be over there after you get married, what does the vow say, "forsaking all others". Again think, marriage involves sacrifice, in all kinds of ways, including what you want to continue to do. One more question, what will your husband be doing, while you are sleeping over, in the bed by himself at your house? Why get married, stay single and enjoy all these things, that you certainly seem to want to do. You are setting yourself up for a quick divorce, if you are not careful. Take care, and once again, think.
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female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (25 August 2008):
 Hun, I'm sorry but that's not the point we're trying to make.
The fact that you are staying over at a guy friend's house while planning a wedding with someone else suggests that there's underlying feelings between you and your friend.
Please, take our advice and talk to your boyfriend about this.
I mean, I don't really know how you'd react if it was him who was staying over a female friend's house and telling her that he loved her?
... Does your boyfriend know that you tell him that you love him?
If it was me, I know how I'd react, he wouldn't be in my life because I would like my man to have eyes for me and only me and to know that he feels that way - As most people tend to want. And I think that's probably what your man wants.
He wants to know that you want him and only him.
Please hun, take our advice, talk to him because neither of you are going to know how the other is feeling and you need to know whether you can work around this before you decide to get married because it will be a lot more difficult to get out of a marriage rather than break up while dating if you discover that you both can't come to an agreement.
Talk to him and see whether there is something that suits you both, but I'm pretty sure your man won't want you visiting the other guy too often, but the only way you're gonna know is if you talk to him.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): I know your not having sex babes, but it still dosen't feel right, are you sure your boyfriend is ok with this? Will he let you continue after you get married. If you have kids how will you explain your friendship with this guy?
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female
reader, bigcats623 +, writes (25 August 2008):
bigcats623 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to let everyone know i'm not having sex with my guy friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): I agree ChiRaven, under certain circumstances you can keep a friendship like this going. But I get the impression that Ms anonymous stays at her friends house a lot, and cuddles him, and says I love you all the time. That's what I don't understand, if she feels so close, why is she thinking of getting married to her boyfriend. You have been given great advice madam, please speak to your boyfriend and find out what he expects your marriage to be like, and what limits he expects you to put on your relationship with other guys.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): this is messed up. why would you want to? don't you want to be in bed with your husband?
I think it is absolutely inappropriate to be doing what you're doing now. If he says he loves you, he looks at you as more than a friend.
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male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (25 August 2008):
 I had no trouble staying overnight with a woman friend after I got married, but these were the circumstances: First, it was someone that I had known and been strictly friends with for more than 25 years. Second, my wife knew her and was her close friend as well, and two of us had stayed together at this woman's apartment in the past (and she had stayed at our place as well). Third, my wife was going out of town and actually dropped me off at this woman's apartment on the way out. That woman STILL ends her conversations with me with "Bye. Love you best." And she always has, even in front of my late wife.Under circumstances like that, I suspect that there probably isn't any trouble with what you're talking about. But if this is someone who is strictly YOUR friend and not a friend to both of you yet, then you need to take the time to integrate him into the circle of the people who are very close friends of the TWO of you, not just you, before anything like this could be considered proper. Make your husband see that this person is not a threat to your marriage, and make him a friend to the two of you. Then under certain circumstances it might be appropriate for you to stay at his house, or for the two of you to entertain him at your house.
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female
reader, bubbloo24 +, writes (25 August 2008):
As DiovanLestat has said, this will probably cause a lot of problems when you are married because it will seem that you are committing adultery. And maybe it seems to you that you arn't, but there will be people out there who will think you are, most likely including your husband-to-be.I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about this. I don't really understand how well he deals with the situation of you going over to your guy friend's house but I'm presuming from the fact you felt you needed to ask about it on here, that he is not taking your relationship with your friend very well.I personally, wouldn't be too happy if I was with someone and they had a close female friend who they hugged and told them that they loved them etc.Having such a close male friend whilst planning on getting married to another guy is pushing the boundaries -Especially when you tell them both that you love them?It's natural to dim down the visitations with an opposite sex friend when you're with someone else... so why do you need to stay over at this other guy's house? It doesn't seem like a purely platonic relationship.. I may be wrong of course, but this is how it seems to me, and probably will seem to your boyfriend. Have you thought that your boyfriend may be planning marriage with you to tie you down a bit and try to stop you hanging out with this guy so much? Maybe he feels that by you both living together, that you will be less likely to go out/ he can keep an eye on you and try to stop as many meetings with this other guy by kind of side tracking your attention? Only a thought.This will be worse if you marry because then the boundaries of seeing other men are stronger emotionally, mentally and spiritually - well I guess it depends on what your beliefs are.The only way you're gonna find out if this is all okay is if you talk to your boyfriend about this, you have to make decisions, allowances and take your partners feelings into account if you're planning on getting married to eachother.If your boyfriend is fretting about it, dim your relationship with your male friend down a bit, you don't have to stop seeing him, just dim it down. I don't think you'll find many men who'd be happy to let their girlfriend stay over at their guy friend's house... If you wanna get married, you gotta make allowances with your partner and come to some sort of agreement if you want your marriage to work out the way you want it to.I wish you all the best.xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Why would you do that?Does your boyfriend know about this?
He would be hurt.If you want to get married,THEN YOUR BOY-
FRIEND should be the only one that you do that with.Unless
you two are planning on having an open relationship.Why would you want to sleep over the other guy's when you got your boyfriend and you'll have your husband to sleep with?
Your husband should be all you need,not the urge and doing of sleeping at your friend's.I seriously hope you stop doing
this.There's no need for it.Your bf can give you all the cuddling and affection you need.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2008): Fuck no, your husband should be your best friend and you should want to spend all that time you spend with the person you love, you definitly have issues with commitment if you cant just be friends with this guy without holding hands and saying you love him, that wouldnt fly with me, but im just some normal guy... your man may be weird...
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2008): Why should you want to. You get married to be close to someone, your husband should give you all the cuddle's you'll ever need. Why are you doing this, why do you need to be so close to him. Your not ready to get married, you and him are to emotionally dependant on each other, your more than just friends. Once you get married, this will be a case of "emotional adultery", I don't understand why you need to be so close to this guy. Why is he still single, he needs to find a girlfriend of his own.
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