A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf looked at transvestites online in the past.I asked him openly if he was bi and he said no.I said that i don't care what he did before me, and that if he tried something i would understand him 100%.That we all have the right to have fantasies, ciriosities or whatever it is.I said that if he has an interest or a doubt or anything we can look into it, that I'm willing to even pay for one for him to try to be sure, but he said that he never tried anything and he doesn't want to try anything, that just because he looked it doesn't mean he wanted to do something with them. It is very dificult for me. I have serious trust issues and obviously this thing's is absolutely ruining me. He says he is happy with me, that men do not interest him and he doesn't find them sexually attractive. Ok then, so can any straight or whatever man explain to a very confused girl 'If he says he is not attracted to transvestites or men, why would he look for them and why would he google giant penises'? I'm very open-minded, ok. I have watched all types of porn (except child, of course!) because i was curious, not because i would like to try it myself. And i would like to think that this interest was a ciriosity. We don't fight, we have great sex life, he is very very good to me, he treats me like a queen, he's kind and generous, and gentle, he's never said a bad word to me. We've been together for more than 7 months. I never had any reason not to trust him. But after i discovered THIS THING i cannot stop thinking that something is wrong. He said that it hapenned ages ago and that he never looked at anything since we started dating, that he would never never hurt me and that he is not lying to me. Although I begged him to tell me if he did, and that i can be a part of it if he lets me. But he said it was a short circuit few times. Please, guys, tell me, if I'm an idiot to want to believe this man? I feel equally crap for believing or for not. What do you think? Can i trust this man? I want to be rational and not jump to conclusions. I don't want my feelings to affect my judgement, just because i love him i do not have to trust him, but i want to. Am I wrong? All the answers are welcome. Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): He knows you well....well enough to keep his fetishes to himself. And that's exactly what it appears to be....a fetish. You told him you didn't care too much u just wanted to know. You even stated what you're open to do regarding his fetish. However you contradict yourself greatly. If you don't mind you wouldn't freak out. Regardless of his taste if he is faithful and treats you well ignore everything else. Some dudes are obsessed with porn, other men struggle at eyeing other women while there are men also who have fetishes. I think this magnification you are doing of this can really ruin your relationship. Assess your relationship do you want a man with transgender fetishes. If u can sleep well with this knowledge end it. Otherwise if he's a good guy love him and hold on to him. But never compromise your values. Good luck Merry Christmas.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who took time to reply. While I admit that I have serious trust issues I would like to say that being worried about your man cheating with a woman is one thing, but being worried he might cheat with a man is a totally different issue. I want to believe him when he says he loves me and wants to be with me, but I'm just scared that he is ashamed to tell me the truth about having secret attraction to penises or whatever it is. Apart from this we have a great relationship and he never gave me any indication of his 'curiosity' until i found something by accident. If i hadn't found it i would not be suspicious at all. But i did, without looking, and it is eating me alive. Looking at transgender or transvestites online is nothing of a big deal, but i know he has contacted some in the past. I don't know if he went on to meet them, he said he never did. So how do i stop myself from ruining this relationship? How do i stop thinking that he is in touch with trans o gay people? I know i have a problem too, but i desperately need help. On my own i can't get out of this. Thanks to all.
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (21 December 2011):
 whhhhooooaaaahhhh
why does a man looking at a transvestite mean he is gay.
A transvestite is NOT an indication of sexual orientation!
A transvestite is a man who enjoyes wearing womens clothes.
A man who enjoys cross-dressing can do so for sexual pleasure, or simply because they enjoy wearing womens clothing. It does not have to have anything to do with sex.
So lets look at another perspective here...
Perhaps your boyfriend is curious about transvestites, perhaps he is one (or thinks he might be). Perhaps googling the penis's is him worrying about a size issue, perhaps he was looking for a way to "tuck" (a transvestite often will tuck their penis out of the way when wearing womens clothes to give a more feminine appearance).
None of what you have said gives me an indication that he is gay.
I think you need to open your mind...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): I think it's hard to say if he may be bi or gay from this information. He could be and he could be lying about the fact that he is attracted to men to you and or to himself, or he could just have been curious about transvestites etc. If it was a once in the past thing then it is probably nothing to worry about but if it is something in the context of other suggestions that he may be more than curious then you need to discuss it now because you don't want to end up in a marriage with someone who decides he is gay and or who wants to have sex with you and other men and who conceals it from you.
My experience has been that none of the men I have known who were totally straight were interested in that at all, if they were they never mentioned it to me. You need to talk about it more if it is causing this much stress for you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 December 2011):
 Evidently you're not as open minded as you think. You can browse whatever you want online, but if he does it he gets smacked with a label. Your curiosity is innocent but his must be part of some hidden agenda.
Between the two of you don't you think he is in a better position to know if he is gay or not? And even if he did enjoy transvestite porn (which still doesn't mean he wants to be one), what makes you think he wants you gawking at him while he's watching it?
I understand you're afraid of being hurt, but who isn't? Do you think the rest of us are all 110% secure? Do you think we are impervious to rejection and betrayal? Do we risk less than you do when we invest ourselves emotionally in someone else? We may not be fretting about it morning, noon and night, but we all have fears.
Do you think your boyfriend isn't afraid of being hurt too? Is he less trustworthy than you are?
OP, I am not trying to mock you or sound contemptuous, but there is a certain degree of narcissism in these insecurity issues and I am trying to help you overcome yours by encouraging you to see your situation in a different light.
Like you, many people watch all sorts of things out of curiosity. That does not mean we like it, support it, want to be it/have it or do it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (21 December 2011):
 I think if you have given him a chance to tell you the truth and he says that he isnt intersted in that sexually then you need to trust and believe him. I know it is hard to do but if you cant trust his word then you have nothing.
You said you have looked at porn that didnt turn you on or wasnt something you would like to do in real life. I am a gay girl and i watch straight porn but i definately dont want to have straight sex or am i attrached to men.
I think you need to believe him unless he gives you any other reason not to and try to move on, from what you have said it sounds like you have a good man there.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 December 2011):
 Have you anything else that would make you think that he might be interested in this sort of thing? If all you have to go by is him typing it in to a search engine and looking at photos then I think you are safe enough. Plenty of people look up different things when they are bored. Just because he has looked at it, does not mean that he wants to be with another guy. Maybe he was just curious as to why men dress up as woman and equally curious to see how he compares to some off the larger men. I honestly would just let this go and try to move forward with the relationship if this is the only thing that is leaving you in doubt. To me it sounds quite innocent.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 December 2011):
I don't know what he's thinking. He could have been curious, he could be gay, bi whatever. This happened a long time ago in his past.
But, whatever he's thinking is no longer the problem. I think sadly, that the damage to your relationship has been done and there is nothing that can now be done to fix it. At 7 months in, and given that he did this a long time ago, this shouldn't be a problem and your lack of trust also shouldn't be a problem. Realistically, your lack of trust (whether right or wrong, we'll never know) is probably an indicator that he's not the guy for you.
I think that perhaps, whatever he feels for men, you should move on.
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