A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex-boyfriend and I started speaking again 5 months ago, after over a year of no contact after we broke up. We're extremely close and neither of us have the desire to get back together (although I wouldn't say those feelings have completely died away). Anyway, my issue is that I keep thinking of old issues and they make me feel upset and angry and whatever else... For example, I know that he flirted with other girls just before we got together, and even liked someone a bit. But he loved me and thus entered a relationship with me. Also I think of certain things that happened whilst we were together and I feel resentful towards him sometiimes. Is this why exes can't be friends? Because the past keeps haunting the present? I love him a lot as a friend and would hate to lose him, I just sometimes feel crazy with paranoia thinking of what happened in the past that I may not know about. Any advice would be appreciated, I'll end this here before I rant for too long. But is it possible for me to get past these issues (and any tips on how?) Because I do love having him in my life as a friend. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhoops when I responded, only one answer had come up, so that was in response to fishdish. Thank you to the others who also responded to my question, I'll take everything into consideration.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should probably have mentioned that what bothered me is that he liked someone else during the period just before we got together when he told me he liked and then loved me, and that bothered me. But thank you, I know I need to accept that he can't help having been attracted to other girls, it's not as if he cheated. I'm going to try and let go of the past and just move forwards - you're right, paranoia just leads to misery. Thank you for the rest of your advice as well, I shall heed it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): It sounds like what you're saying is that you're not really 'over' everything that happened within the relationship. I know you say that you love him as a friend, but is there any chance you're harbouring some romantic feeling towards him still? If you're 100% sure that you only want him as a friend, then it may help to try and distance yourself from thinking about what he was like when you were together. Wipe the slate completely clean and stop getting frustrated about things that happened in the past. I know it can be tough but I believe exs can be good friends, it just sometimes takes a lot of work. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (26 May 2012):
 I know you didn't ask for advice on this topic but i think it's generally understood that people should have be allowed to flirt with others before dating the partner, that he was allowed to have a past. Paranoia breeds paranoia and misery, it will never suddenly resolve itself because they are unanswerable questions. it is better to accept what you had face to face for what it was-good times and bad. my ex once said to me in a time of peace between us that no one could take the moment away, not the future, not whatever could become of us, and I always look back at that and share that peace of that moment.
And for what you did ask for advice on: I think you still need more time to heal because the romantic aspects of what happened in your relationship are invading your thoughts about your current potential friendship. Tell him you're interested in his friendship but you're still not ready for it yet. you should generally only enter into a friendship once you have no hard feelings, can be both supportive and find the friendship supportive of your inner growth and happiness.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (26 May 2012):
 I used to think that exes can be friends till I analysed all my 'friendships' with my past boyfriends. They weren't friends. We would say 'hello' if we accidentally bumped into one another or even have a cup of tea together, but that's just acquaintanceship, or trying to be on cordial terms. A real friend would be someone you can laugh with, cry with, share your feelings with and with whom you can have an overall good time.
I tried being 'friends' with an ex. Biggest mistake ever. The bitterness from the past kept haunting us, making us resentful and hostile sometimes. And other times, the old feelings would come back and we'd end up nearly getting back together. It was a yo-yo situation, where we'd swing from being bitter and horrid to getting all emotional and mushy. This is not 'friendship' but the dysfunctional remains of a past relationship. Worst of all, it affects other relationships around.
Today I am convinced that while you can remain on friendly terms with an ex, it is very difficult (not impossible though) to be real friends. My advice would be to move right on and avoid contact. It's the least painful thing to do, in the long run.
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