| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi,I'm having a very childish problem, despite the fact that I'm a 23 year old woman. When I was in high school I was the ugly girl that no guys liked, and to this day, this has affected my self esteem somewhat. When I started college, though, I had some sort of "ugly duckling" transformation or something because guys started to approach me more... but it's mostly been just shallow attention (ie. guys after sex). So I've never felt really valued, or that I'm worth for anything more than sex... I did have a long, serious relationship, but he didn't respect me or treat me well, so I also didn't feel too valued.The thing is, anything that makes me question my worth as a person makes me blue. And now I have a major crush on a guy tht doesn't feel the same way about me.Long story short, he had been giving me shallow attention for quite a while, and since he has a player reputation, I didn't go for it. He was a nice guy and we got along really well (we still do), but I didn't want to go further. Until there was a time in my life last year when I just wanted to have fun, and since he's a player, I felt he was perfect for no strings attached fun. After we first hooked up, he became very attentive and sweet, and I fell for it. We'd talk every day, and even though I liked him, I kept it cool because I knew a relationship with him wouldn't prosper. Also because, as he is a player, I didn't trust that he meant everything he said.Time passed, and we hooked up some other times, and we kept seeing each other regularly, he kept being sweet... until he started to distance himself from me. Now I heard last night that he likes another girl... they haven't had anything, but he has actual feelings for her. She has a boyfriend though, but she has cheated on him so who knows what might happen... still, it's none of my business, so yeah... She's very different to me, she's this very ladylike girl, sweet to everyone (especially guys), charming, very princess-like... whereas I'm more down to earth, one of the guys, relaxed, etc. She's also tall and thin and delicate and very beautiful... I'm often told I'm hot or sexy, and that I have a pretty face, but I know I'm not beautiful like she is.And now here I am, stuck with this crush, comparing myself to this other girl... and despite the fact that I really like this guy, I never told him that because I wouldn't want to have a relationship with him because he's not good with commitment or any of it. And despite rationalizing all the "cons" I still have these nagging feelings. Aunts, the question is, how can I overcome this silly crush and regain self esteem? I feel like I was just a sexual plaything to him, nothing special, worthless, and that I'm inferior to girls like the one he likes now, who're very classically feminine "lady in distress" kinda girls... but that's just not the way I am, and I fear that because I'm "hot" and not beautiful and because I'm more like one of the guys and not all too ladylike, that guys will always see me just as a potential "notch in the bedpost" and nothing else.Sorry, I know this was long, I'm not very good a summarizing.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 May 2012):
 They will only see you like that if you allow them to. At the end of the day you knew what you where letting yourself in for, you knew he was a player, you knew it would only be a bit of fun but you went in to it eyes open anyway and as a result you developed feelings for him. You need to wait for a man who will respect you and do not hand him sex on a plate. Also if you know he is a player stay away. I know your confidence has taking a dent at the moment, but not all men are like this as am sure you know, it probably just seems that way at the moment. Hold your head high and do not let him drag you done, you got a lucky escape, so just get back on with your life and keep you eyes open for any nice guys that come along.
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