A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi. I am a 24 year old... Ive been with my current boyfriend for over 2 years now..hes 3 years older than i am. and everything is great. he's sweet and caring. we get along so well. in fact, he's the only person that I've thoughts about getting married to one day. well..that is if we can overcome this one horrible problem that's threatening to ruin our relationship and it's non other than about my past. I've had two boyfriends in the past. both long term. and I had dated a guy for about 3 months after those two relationships. Then, i've met my current boyfriend. he has had three serious relationships and some casual..well.. companionships.. my boyfriend, when we first started to go out, casually asked me how many relationships i've been in. he said it's okay. he just just wanted to know... and I so foolishly believed him and told him honestly. Frankly.. i just didn't think i've been anyway promiscuous or have done anything to be ashamed about..and I thought he wasnt going to be bothered by my past. he kept on asking me about my relationships afterwards and pressed for details as to how far we've gone or how many times.. you know... things that really shouldn't concern him. but I told him the truth..foolish i know..but i didnt want to lie and i couldnt be vague because he will keep pushing until i tell him. I also told him that the guy i dated before him, we messed around pretty intensely but it never resulted to going all out... when it comes to physical aspects of a relationship, I am cautious.. few months passed without really anything.. but then warning signs started to appear.. as our relationship started to get more serious, he started to get trapped on my past. he would get so upset and sad.. there are times when he couldnt even bring himself to kiss me because he's haunted by the image of me kissing my ex boyfriend. he will have those kind of episodes maybe every few months but we got through.. but every time he goes through that.. he gets so mad, sad and depressed.... Its really heart breaking for me to see him hurting. I wish there was a way to get him unstuck but he's still feeling trapped and miserable. and when he gets so hurt by the images of my past, he starts blaming me for not being able to be what he wants... you know for being "tainted." he will also say that i am not to be trusted since I have been able to start new relationships after about 4-6 months after breakup, which he views it as a sign of my promiscuousness... no matter how i try to reason with him, he wouldn't really listen... i dont know what to do... he says he's feeling like hell because he cant get over it and it hurts him everytime he sees me for what i really am... he tells me he really loves me.. enough to consider a future together. but then he would realize that although I am perfect in everyway..even though i make him happy, i am tainted and I couldn't possibly be someone he wished to end up with... It just hurts so much whenever I hear these kind of stuff from him. despite this issue, I love him dearly.. I just dont know what to do.. he says he wants to breakup although we both agree that we are perfect together when hes not having one of those episodes... I know hes not alone in having these kind of issue.. so please help me.. us.. let me know if there is really a way to get over the issue? if it ever does go away? if there's a way that I could help him get a better control over his thoughts.. thanks
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depressed, jealous, kissing, my ex, trapped Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 July 2010):
 Well first of all you know this isn't your fault. Unfortunately there's very little you can do for him, this is his issue to deal with. I always recommend not giving away too much information: as all that tends to lead to is yet more obsessive behaviour and more and more questions. But it's too late for that.
Your boyfriend needs to want to get over this. Having done that I suggest he can do one of two things:
- Post here, or at least look through this site. There is A LOT about it here. You can also look through my post history, as I mostly write about this, having experienced it in the past and overcome it eventually.
- A more direct method might be for him to go to a therapist. I suggest you look for a male therapist (this is important), and also one that has experience treating obsessive behaviour.
Best of luck to you. I know how difficult and destructive this can be. But bottom line, he has to want to change, and be willing to make the effort to. If that's the case, then there is hope.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010): I am double your age so I have had a lot of time to deal with the same issues you and your boyfriend are having. I do not want to judge whether you were promiscuous or have anything to be ashamed of. On the other hand your boyfriend can not be labeled right or wrong either. He is just reacting to his feelings that at this time he can not seem to control. Trust me the results of such emotions are extremely painful and you will have to deal with them as long a he feels that way.Based on my experience and the numerous posts on this site things will probably not get better. One poster said "some guys can deal with a girls past and some can't" Yours seems to be the latter.Trying to reason, explain, justify or just get mad with him will not help.The catch 22 of this subject is if he asks and you don't tell he will assume the worst. If you do tell the mental video images in his mind will start and you will be the star of a movie written, produced and directed by your boyfriends psyche based on the few facts you have shared embellished with his insecurity, cultural upbringing, relationship with his family, etc etc etc.The bottom line: No matter how much you love him or he loves you, if this is an issue now it will be an issue in the future unless he learns how to control those thoughts which is doubtful.Your choice but be assured it is not you. If you break up and he moves on to another girls she will be the new star in the same movie.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (3 July 2010):
 Do the same to him - start asking questions about his past, his flings, his gfs, the spacing between sexual partners. Make jugdments of him and be harsh - start freaking out. Give him a bit of his own medicine. Its what my bf did with me and it worked - I realized why am I freaking out over his past when I was just as guilty!!!
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