A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I found nasty texts on my boyfriend's phone to a friend of his about his pursuit of trying to find a woman to have sex with while I was out of town. He found a girl he was interested in while he was at a bar and proceeded to hit on her and relay the details via text back to his friend. For whatever reason nothing came of his hitting on this woman. I think she turned him down. Regardless, I am positive he didn't actually have any physical interaction with her as the texts comfirm it.My boyfriend has acknowledged that he made a mistake and that yes, his intention was to find a woman to have sex with or at least see what was out there. He says he knows the act was just as bad as cheating and he isn't sure why he did it. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and the thought of another man having me makes him upset. He is leaving all choices about how to move forward up to me. He says he will support my decision no matter what and I believe him. Since I found out we have had several miserable nights and some amazing ones too. We have been together for over three years and live together. I want marriage and he has always been against it even though he says he wants to marry me because that is something he would do for us and he says I made him change his mind about marriage. We has not been having regular sex due to schedules and some other small issues and his father was just diagnosed with a terminal illness. He says he feels like he has no control over life. He is also a recovering alchoholic. He has been sober for over a year and claims he will never go back to where he was. I believe him on that as he is now very successful and healthy. His alcoholism was more situational vs physical anyway. He was with the wrong group of friends that encouraged heavy drinking and he developed a habit. He is 100% able to have a glass of wine at dinner or a beer or two and stop. We went to therapy to help correct his drinking and the therapist agreed that his issues stemmed from am environmental habit. (His group of friends) the friend he was texting about the girl is fat and single and is all about Man Time and pressures my bf constantly to drink even though he knows my bf doesn't want to. My bf until recently had kept this friend at a distance. My bf has always told me small lies. Nothing major and being honest I have told him lies too. All I feel are kind of normal. For the most part we have a very loving, honest relationship. I don't know what to do. I feel like I still love him and we can get through this. But I also have to travel a lot for work and I can't babysit him. He has already cut all communication with his friend and has never once made an excuse for his actions. He is truly sorry and upset just as much as I am. I'm really putting him through the ringer and letting him see how devestated I am. The problem is that now I don't trust him and almost every time I leave town for work he gets into some small amount of trouble. This time it was major.He has a history of cheating on his girlfriends but mostly in college. We are both 30 now and he has always insisted that I am the one for him and he would never cheat on me.Can he learn from this and remain faithful or am I dealing with a ticking time bomb?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2013): Stop wasting time with him. And do NOT marry him.
He "knew it was wrong and has no idea why he did it"? Seriously? That is basically code for "I wanted to have sex with someone else other than you and was disappointed my efforts failed, but if I admit it you will for sure leave me and I don't want to lose the benefits I get from having you around when its convenient for me to serve my purposes, so I will just give you this non-answer to avoid getting myself into more trouble."
Do you want to be married and with kids and find out that he is still trying to have sex with other women and maybe by then he would also be succeeding at least occasionally?
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 October 2013):
 Time bomb, Schmime bomb!!!! Your "boyfriend" is, obviously, an unfaithful a%%hole.... and the only question you should be asking is: "Do you think I got away from him quickly enough?????"
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 October 2013):
My experience is that SOMETHING caused him to do this. Unless that something is changed, he's about 90% likely to do it again.
Is he bored? Are you neglecting him? Is he insecure and always needing attention? Or is he just a cheater no matter what?
Some things can't be changed so you just have to leave. Other things would take so long to change that they're not worth sticking around for. Some are relatively easy fixes.
No matter what the reason is, he has poor judgment and that will never change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2013): "the thought of another man having me makes him upset" I don't know about all that, he's willing to make a mistake and troll some bars for girls? I know he admitted his mistake, but as a recovering alcoholic/pain-pill addict, I know that "insane" behaviors are still in existance after even semi-long-term sobriety. One year really isn't that much, considering how hard and how often he drank. And "just one drink" is almost impossible for an alcoholic to do. yeah, he may be controlling his drinking for now, but an alcoholic can't enjoy his drink when he controls it and cannot control his drinking when he enjoys it. We're all-or-nothing people, us alcoholics. I'm wondering if maybe he did have too many at the bar and that's the part he's covering up. I'm not saying that people don't learn from cheating, but usually it's once a cheater, always a cheater. Once and alcoholic, always an alcoholic. I don't know the guy from anyone, but i really don't trust him. I just hope that he's one of the few people who learn from cheating. The main thing that bothers me is hanging out in "wet" places with 'wet" people. I am glad that he took the responsibility of dropping his friend. He's doing many things right, but I'm afraid he's still in his addiction. Be careful! Nickole
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (27 October 2013):
 Hi OP,
There was a lady on here a few days ago with exactly the same problem so here's a link to her question.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/messages-on-his-phone-were-at-a-minimum.html
I hope you find the answers there helpful.
AB x
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