A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, any advice given will be appreciated greatly.I had been with my boyfriend for nearly four years, (four years in December). Most of those years were happy, loving years.However around 10 months ago MY feelings started to change. I just slowly started to look at him differently, the things I loved about him before I just didn't anymore. I started to view him like a brother, I loved him to pieces but the though of kissing him, let alone having sex with him actually repulsed me.I spent the first four/five of those months bottling up those feelings and hating myself for not feeling the same anymore. I literally beat myself up on a daily basis and tried to force myself to feel the same. This just resulted in me being completely miserable, withdrawn and the relationship worse than ever. I snapped and argued with him constantly and we barely spoke when we saw each other.In the end after five months of feeling this way I cracked and told him everything. He was devastated to say the least, and we spent hours crying together. He begged me to give it another chance, whilst part of me wanted to try, the other part of me felt miserable at the though of being in the relationship for longer.After around two weeks of him making a conscious effort he seemed to give up, and the relationship went back to how it was before our chat.After 10 months of unhappiness and upset I decided enough was enough. We now saw each other around 2/3 times a month and barely ever spoke. After an argument I told him i still felt the same and he hung up on me. This was the last time he spoke to me.For two weeks he ignored my calls and texts and refused to talk to me. At the end of those two weeks I text him saying I would of liked to of ended the relationship on better terms after four years, but he left me with no choice. That I was sorry but it wasn't working and I thought we needed time apart. He did not reply.My mother has taken the split very badly. She says that we are still in a relationship together as he has not replied. Every day she see's me the first thing she asks me is if he has spoken to me. She tells me that I should of tried harder, that every relationship has these patches, and that I am basically a bitch for leaving him devastated like this.She says that he loved me, he treated me well and he was a good mad (which is very true.) therefore I should of stuck at it regardless of my own feelings and that I have been selfish to end the relationship because I wasn't happy.I cant take this anymore. I feel like I haven't got closure from the relationship due to him ignoring me, and therefore I feel reluctant to move on with my life. Then everyday I have my mother questioning me, bringing up my ex boyfriend at every chance and basically telling me I've made a stupid decision.I don't know what to do for the best.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (28 October 2013):
 I'm not sure what you need by the way of closure with him. It sounds like, over time, everything was said to make it clear that it wasn't working. You told him you'd lost the feeling, you both tried again, you told him it wasn't working. Seems to be close to as clear cut as it gets.
As for your mother, Sage is quite correct. It's your life, your relationship, and not for her to say. Explain to her that it's over and that she's not being helpful, and ask her to never mention it again.
A
female
reader, Carpe-Diem +, writes (28 October 2013):
It's unfortunate the way things ended. Perhaps things could have ended better, but because you bottled your feelings up for months, it came out all at once, all your built up anger and frustration, so it's understandable that your ex is hurting. So, as for how it ended, I'd say, give your ex some time to heal and realise it's completely finished. Don't continue to contact him, let him contact you in his own time when he is completely ready. 4 years is a long time, he may decide cutting contact with you is the only way to move forward, or he may decide to slowly come back on his own terms, but for now, allow him to be angry with you and accept that he is just ignoring you out of hurt. Hopefully you can rebuild a friendship again.As for your mother, it's apparent that she is clearly very fond of him and thought that he was a brilliant boyfriend, and as a mother, she probably thought he was the right man for you because she after 4 years, maybe she envisioned you spending your life with him, and she is frustrated that you finished something she saw as 'perfect.' But, she is only thinking of herself in this situation. As her daughter, you need her support during this time, especially when you are already tormenting yourself over the fact that your ex isn't speaking to you. At the end of the day, a lot of relationships don't work out, because feelings are't there anymore, sometimes you can recapture them, which you attempted to for months, but sometimes, it's a sign that maybe you're more like friends. Once feelings go, it's difficult to recapture them again. Don't beat yourself over it, and I would advise you to explain to your mum that although you appreciate that she is upset about it ending, that she needs to understand it from your perspective. I'm sure she would rather you were happy single than continue to stay miserable in something that wasn't working. Give her time to come round, but also sit her down and maybe, if you have the courage, show her this question you posted, and maybe she'll realise just how much her involvement and interference is upsetting you and affecting your life. I hope it works out.All the best.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (28 October 2013):
 Both this guy and your Mother are living, rent-free, in your brain.....
You can't go on with your life until and unless you evict them.... The sooner, the better.....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2013): Whether it was a good or bad descisions it was your call to make . No one can say whether it was right or wrong as we did not walk in your shoes during the relationship . However I feel badgering the poor guy, after you've made it plain that this relationship isn't for you.. Is a tad extreme .. His silence, is the closure . I truthfully don't understand what you want from him ? As for mum, tell her you have closure and no more said on the matter.. If she raises it, say mum I'm changing the topic, nicely of course .. It could be that you may life to regret your descision but at the time being you made a healthy choice for you .. And after he gets over the shock he will be able to pick himself up and find someone who truly wants to be with him .I hope all works out sweetie .. X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2013): He's not speaking to you probably because his feelings got hurt. Not only did you reject him after four years (on the grounds of something he can do nothing about), but you held that inside for a long time, rather than being upfront with him, giving him time to get his own space. Now, he probably feels like you were just stringing him along.I'm not trying to make you out to be the bad guy, you're not. Stringing him along is "bad guy", breaking up with him because you didn't have the desire or ability to throw all your being into the relationship makes sense. You were kinda stuck: stay and be miserable or leave and look like the bad guy. I've been there and it sucks. usually, those guys don't want to be friends and those who do are hoping to get it back the way it was before the relationship ended. You did the right thing by ending it, it's just that breaking up is hard to do :-(I don't know what to do about your mom, is she from a generation when you dated to be exclusive and became exclusive to marry? My parents (both deceased) were the same. everytime I dumped a nice guy I'd hear about it. I'd hear about how sometimes you just do what's "practical" But in this day and age, women have the freedom not to be in a relationship, to choose their own partner. Have you tried ot tell her to butt out? that you didn't want to string him along (not that she needs an explanation). Have you told her that you need time to be on your own, to stand on your own? Or is she from a family where you don't dump people and you stick with it? Sounds like he's a good person who deserves time to find the right woman. It sucks being the bad guy, but it has to be done rather than stringing someone along. Nickole
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