A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Married five years. With the exception of my pregnancy, my husband has emotionally and physically abused me the entire time. He talks down to me and expects everything in the house to be done his way from meals to laundry. When I do something wrong he calls me every bad name in the book. He's squeezed my arm and left bruises, slapped me, grabbed my neck. His childhood was a nightmare and he grew up to be a decorated veteran many times over in the wars. It's not all black and white. Seeing what a tender, loving father he is after never having a childhood himself is the most touching thing I've witnessed. If we have other friends over with their own kids all the dads go off and hide, but he'll play with the kids. He gets on the floor with them and they climb on him like a jungle gym. Most seem to love him more than they love their own parents. He's not controlling with money, either. He has a very good job that I help a lot with keeping files organized for him and things like that. We never fight over money and he seems to trust me implicitly with things like that. Another area is he's not abusive at all in our sex life which has always been 10 out of 10 amazing. And we have a very close relationship. If we're in the same room together we're pretty much always touching and he has a tendency to follow me from room to room to be closer. If we're going to sit on the couch it's pretty much guaranteed I'll sit in his lap or lay my head in his lap or cuddle in some way. Despite what the title to this question says I didn't quite kick him out. We had a bad fight about the blinds in the den and he said he would leave. Now it's been a week and he's miserable. Can't or won't hardly work. Is begging me in uncharacteristic fashion to let him back. He says he'll go to counselling or marriage therapy if I want. He says he'll change. Keeps trying to call and says he needs his family back. He says things like "I want my wife back please. I need my wife and daughter back. Please give me my life back."Meanwhile our daughter is only four and this is making her miserable as well. She cries for him constantly and won't hardly eat anything but the grilled cheese he makes on Sundays. I don't think she's smiled once since he left. I feel like such a villain. It feels like it's all my fault and I want more than anything for everyone to be happy again but I don't want to be treated like dirt and hurt anymore. He said he could come back for a week and if nothing changed and I wanted him gone he'd go. Should I give it a chance? I miss him terribly, too, but I don't want to make a mistake.
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female
reader, golddigger99 +, writes (7 May 2016):
 I can honestly say that I know what it's like to live with someone like that. My husband constantly talked down to me, grabbed me rough, was never happy, yelled and threw temper tantrums. He got out of the military in 2008--after 8 years of service. He had separation anxiety from the military and decided to return as a civilian contractor. When he finally returned home, I gave him a trial time frame to see how he acts at home. If he didn't stop with the mental abuse, then I was going to kick him out of the house. When that time came up and he refused to leave, I hired a lawyer to file for divorce and went to see a counselor from "Give An Hour"--it's a FREE counseling service aimed at helping military spouses. Once he saw that I was serious, he finally decided to seek help from the V.A. My husband was diagnosed with PTSD and a whole range of other disorders. He is now on medication and I couldn't be happier. It took me from 2008 to 2014 to get him to seek help. When he finally did, we could resume our normal lives. I guess with all of this said, are you ready to scare him more than any war could? If so, you have to be all-in, because there's no guarantee that he's going to seek help. You and your daughter come first...if you're not mentally fit, then your daughter is being deprived the basic human right of having a loving parent who would do anything for her. Good luck and stay strong.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (3 May 2016):
 People who are always abusing their spouse more often than not don't change. I've seen it in so many marriages. Chances are that if you just allow him back he's promises will go flying out the window and he'll be back to his old terrible behaviour. Now is the time to stand up for yourself. As previously mentioned, DO NOT allow him back into the home without the counselling first. Choose an experienced marriage counselor, not just anyone. Make sure that he attends every single meeting that is scheduled. In the meanwhile, since he is such a good dad, let him see the kid regularly just so that she is not affected by the current situation. Make her feel as though daddy has just left the room. She is very young and yes she feels everything that the two of you are going through. To drag her through it will possibly scar her for life if its not handled properly so make sure that she sees him as often as if he were still at home. That's my main piece of advice to you. If after trying out the therapy for a bit, you see no change, then and only then will it be safe to say that hubby cannot and is not willing to actively change. However, try the therapy first and remember to stick to it if that's what you expect of him as well. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 May 2016):
Hes an alpha, and thats why you have stayed with him for five years and had his children.
You're not going to change him, but you have to take the good with the bad if you're going to stay, and my inclination is overwhelmingly that you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2016): HiThis is what makes abusive relationships so hard to work out. The thing is they play on what they know you love, closeness etc. The sex life is often amazing in abusive relationships because they want the kudos of being good in bed. They become different, more subservient people when they want something from you i.e coming back.Please read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft, he worked with abusive men who had largely been told to undergo group therapy either by the courts or their other halves. He witnessed how they really think and what they are really capable of. How they will look as though they have changed until they get back inside your head etc etc. Please get it and read it before making any decisions. And most importantly of all please DO NOT get couples counselling from just any therapist. They are trained to believe that everything is 50/50 in what goes wrong in relationships. This is not true in an abusive relationship. But the therapist won't be thinking like this and he/she will be looking at what you're doing wrong too. Quite right in most cases, but not in abusive relationships. Usually the abused partner does everything they can to maintain the status quo, to keep the peace, to prevent the abuse. And when the abusive partner hears from the therapist that from their uneducated point of view that you may be to blame for what happens to you, the abusive partner gets worse, able to make life worse for you with blaming, aided by the therapist, although unwittingly. This book explains all this far better than I can, but if you go for counselling of any kind, with him or without him, it must be with someone who is qualified through women's refuge charities or the US equivalent, someone who truly understands abuse. I went to a therapist who listed on her list of specialities 'emotional abuse' but she had no clue. Please don't make this worse for yourself by going to the wrong person. The women's refuge in your area should be able to put you in touch with someone. Good luck and also please try not to feelguilty about your little girl. You didn't bring this situation about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2016): HiThis is what makes abusive relationships so hard to work out. The thing is they play on what they know you love, closeness etc. The sex life is often amazing in abusive relationships because they want the kudos of being good in bed. They become different, more subservient people when they want something from you i.e coming back.Please read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft, he worked with abusive men who had largely been told to undergo group therapy either by the courts or their other halves. He witnessed how they really think and what they are really capable of. How they will look as though they have changed until they get back inside your head etc etc. Please get it and read it before making any decisions. And most importantly of all please DO NOT get couples counselling from just any therapist. They are trained to believe that everything is 50/50 in what goes wrong in relationships. This is not true in an abusive relationship. But the therapist won't be thinking like this and he/she will be looking at what you're doing wrong too. Quite right in most cases, but not in abusive relationships. Usually the abused partner does everything they can to maintain the status quo, to keep the peace, to prevent the abuse. And when the abusive partner hears from the therapist that from their uneducated point of view that you may be to blame for what happens to you, the abusive partner gets worse, able to make life worse for you with blaming, aided by the therapist, although unwittingly. This book explains all this far better than I can, but if you go for counselling of any kind, with him or without him, it must be with someone who is qualified through women's refuge charities or the US equivalent, someone who truly understands abuse. I went to a therapist who listed on her list of specialities 'emotional abuse' but she had no clue. Please don't make this worse for yourself by going to the wrong person. The women's refuge in your area should be able to put you in touch with someone. Good luck and also please try not to feel guilty about your little girl. You didn't bring this situation about.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 May 2016):
 Why not GIVE the couples counseling a chance? But I would suggest he doesn't come BACK in the house till you two have worked THROUGH this, or at least keep separate bedrooms. He seems willing to do anything, but that doesn't mean he WILL change.
Can he change? Yes it's possible. Will he change? Who knows?
I DO think it comes down to his (mainly) AND your commitment to a change and to solve this issue.
I DO NOT think he can or will without getting "outside" help, such as couples counseling or marriage counseling.
I think the biggest problem is the abuse. People who use physical abuse to control a partner don't admit that what they are doing is wrong. They might have grown up watching it and think it's "normal". I do NOT think there is EVER a real good excuse for abuse. My biggest fear (if I were in your shoes) is that he will revert back to same ole same ole, in a heartbeat.
If he has prior military service, he might be able to go through http://www.militaryonesource.mil/ and seek counseling. I think it would be beneficial for you two to do solo AND together counseling.
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