A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:can guys with commitment issues ever change? my ex is 23 and we have been on and off for 16 months. seems every time things begin to get pretty serious he freaks out and runs off! the last time we broke up was in january, we broke up because he said he cared about me so much and couldn't keep hurting me as he just can't commit. we had a massive argument and i told him if he cared about me as much as he claimed he'd man up, get his priorities straight and sort whatever the hell he's scared of out. he's not the type to sleep around and there is definitely no one else and there hasn't been since we first got together.we didn't speak or see each other for a while after the argument. i had told him we wouldn't work as just friends as the attraction is too much and we just end up wanting to be with each other again. i know he was taking it badly due to immature things he was writing on his facebook lol (depressing lyrics etc, he did the same thing the first time we broke up) .about a month later, the first time we bumped into each other at a club, obviously neither of us could really take not speaking anymore so i swallowed my pride and we made "friends" (even though he still managed to make his feelings blatently obvious).since this, we texted once or twice occasionally and every time i saw him he'd be staring at me or making excuses to come and talk to me, always trying to flirt and compliment me. (a lot of his friends are girls and he is not like this with them).this has all been happening more frquently in the past month. just a couple of weeks ago, i bumped into him at a party and we were pretty much together on and off all night, just talking. we were both a bit tipsy but we weren't wasted. he kept telling me how much he liked my new hairstyle and just jokingly flirting with me and holding me close to him just like when we were together.at the end of the party i was talking to another one of my friends when my ex came up behind me to let me know he was now leaving. we had a really long tight hug, then he kissed me on the cheek, then we ended up proper kissing! it wasnt full on making out but it wasn't just a peck either. it took me by surprise and i even sort of backed away but he just kept leaning in! then he left.for about 10 days after that i was left not knowing what to do and too frightened to say anything or text him about the kiss, i think he was feeling the same way as he didnt text me either but he started "liking" pretty much everything i did on facebook, and he 'liked' a really nice photo of us both that was uploaded from that night.i saw him the weekend just gone, when we were both deadly sober. we spoke and as always he flirted with me heavily but he was with a group of friends, as was i, so no kiss and no mention of it lol. since then though we've been texting every now and again, nothing substantial or heavy, literally basically just calling each other names (flirty not horribly). we;ve texted more in the past 4 days than we have in the past 4 months since we broke up.i just dont really know what to do thats all, i kind of think he's a bit conflicted because he has feelings for me and he knows exactly how i feel about him but at the same time he's been in long term relationships non stop since he was 17 and just feels like he's missed out on the fun of being young and single. i should add that he's only slept with one other girl apart from me when all his mates (who i love but they influence him in a bad way) have slept with so many more.i really dont want to give up on him, ive never felt this way about anyone but i'm getting so tired of this, i want him back and to do things properly becase we have amazing chemistry and we're so good together, when we first got together we were the couple everyone envied! i keep wanting to ask him about the kiss because i know he's thinking about it too, im just scared that he'll freak out or give me an answer i don't want to hear. i know people will say 'just call it a day' but it's like, i want to but i just cant, i'm tired and it really cant go on like this but i really really love him! we've been through so much and i just can't give up on him yet :(should i just not say anything and let what's going to happen, happen?bare in mind i haven't slept with him since january (so he's not getting ANYTHING) from all this and i have no intention of sleeping with him unless we are in a proper relationship again. he's so insistent on not wanting to hurt me that i dont think he would let me sleep with him if i tried lol.sorry it's so long, i really appreciate anyone who's gone to the trouble to read this and give me some advice, even just thoughts.please :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, YourCoach  +, writes (9 May 2013):
To put it bluntly, the both of you need to chill for a while. He need time, you need time, that's the way things go.
If it's meant to be than yeah by all means it will be, but as of now the future doesn't look very bright. Sorry
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (3 May 2013):
 Hi
I have a son that age, he knows he is not nearly ready to settle down or commit,he is he says, way too young. Some of his friends have had LTRs and one or two are going strong.They didn't start with serious at 17 though.
My advise to you would be to let him get on with life, don't expect anything. You and he may end up together eventually, just not yet.
There's plenty of time for both of you to meet new people and to live a little.
Your doing the right thing not having sex with him and he sounds like a decent, honest guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Few moments made me worried about this guy: he soooo doesn't want to hurt you, he doesn't want to be in a relationship, but holds you on a leash,complimenting you and stealing a kiss. I don't know about him only being with one girl before you, are you sure he is not feeding you story tales?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): He seems a little flaky. I know. He has a thing for you, but doesn't want to spoil the lightness and comfort you share in mutual flirtation. As usual, the female within the couple wants something serious and tangible. The male dances around and retreats when she becomes the pursuer.Back off and let him pursue you. Act a little disinterested.Every-time you meet, there is a chemistry. Next time he's in the room, keep a little distance between you. Move in close, then slightly shy away.Make him have to find you. Smile, but play a little coy. He has a very careful approach; because he doesn't want things to move too quickly. He senses your attraction through eye-contact and body-language. He backs off when he knows he's got your attention, because he wants to keep things in his comfort zone. What you're reading as a perpetual state of flirtation. That's his style. So play along with it.Don't mention the kiss. Don't start analyzing his emotions or you'll push things back to square one. Don't be too eager. Keep texting light and simple. Call occasionally, but move slowly. Keep conversation short and sweet.Patience is the only way you will win this guy over. Get desperate and he'll smell you're pushing for a relationship, and he'll sprint like a deer in the opposite direction. Trust me on this. Easy does it with this guy. Give him a few days of silence. No text messages.Force him to call to find out how you're doing. Then you'll know you've got him hooked. Ask him out. Nothing heavy. A date just to spend time together and have some time alone.Put your hunting net away. If you can't be patient; give up. You know what you want. It's going to take him time to decide when he is ready for the same thing. No offense intended, but this is where women get pushy and spoil everything. Desperation sets in, and you start pushing ultimatums and setting deadlines. Men don't like to be trapped. We surrender of our own free will, and set our own deadlines. Plain and simple. We learn from our past mistakes. We don't like the pain of a breakup for being too quick to jump into relationships; before we're really ready.There is a courtship dance and a mating ritual.We have to repair emotional damage from the past, and tweak the flaws in our personalities that caused past breakups. That takes time. Before we end up hurting someone that we may really care for. Jumping from one relationship into the next, sets the odds against the success of the next one. If only women would realize this. You completely get rid of your baggage before you drag it into another relationship. That's what he's in the process of doing.The kiss proves you're wearing him down. Play it his way or he'll keep backing off. If he's not moving fast enough, you're still single. Feel free to date other men. Make him feel a little competition. There may even be someone else special out there waiting, and you haven't given him the chance to find you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): This man has issues that you or even some professional counsellors cant help him with. Don't waste your time with him. Move on, why do keep buying these bullshit stories from him? Come on? Really? Wake up. move on now.....
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