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female
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anonymous
writes: Can exes really be close friends? I always thought not, but my fiance is practically best friends with his ex and I'm really not comfortable with that. I'm not worried that he'll do anything with her (she has a serious boyfriend too) but I am really jealous of their history together. I don't really like her. She's very boring and I don't really want her at my wedding. This may sound crazy but I don't want other people at the wedding who we have had sex with. Is that asking too much?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): There are two people in this relationship: him and you. Why do you need to put up with going down the ailse and seeing a woman your husband had sex with? It is your wedding too and I would talk to my finacee and say I am not comfortable with this--youare not being unreasonable. If you don't want her to be invited, then cross her off the guest list! It's not just HIS wedding or HIS birthday party in which he's in charge of the guest list--this is a mutual commitment of the two of you and this is a great opportunity to voice your uneasiness with having his ex at your wedding! Of course you don't think anything exists between them, but so what?! You aren't obligated to invite this person no matter who she is or isn't. It's not a lack of trust--it's about dignity--I wouldn't want to be at my wedding with one of my husband's exes schmoozing with my family--they'll all ask "So how do you know so and so?" "Oh, I'm an old flame" Are you kidding me? You ahve all the right in the world to cvalmly sit down with your husband and say I don't feel good about you inviting your ex--not that they ahve to cut off the friendship, but that doesn't mean she's YOUR best friend and you HAVE to invite her. I would say this is an opportunity for the both of you to compromise on this point because how would he like it if you invited all the other bfs you had that you slept with? How would he feel if it was vice versa? I would say listen to your gut if you don't feel comfortable then he should respect your wishes--I would think this is corssingsome boundary of past relationships---perhaps some peole can be friends with their exes, but if she gets invited to your wedding, what would stop her from calling your husband on the weekend to have a drink for "old time's sake"? I see it as opening a door you really don't wnat to open. Exes were in the past and should stay there. Friends are nice, but you are HIS WIFE and he should RESPECT YOPUR WISHES and only CARE about your feelings and not care more about hurting his ex-gf's feelings by not inviting her..se's old news..she's the past. If he wnats you in his future then he needs to stop worrying about past flames, they ahve no business at a wedding....if he really must to, then maybe you guys can get together after the wedding and honeymoon and go with him to have a dinner with his ex and her bf. He is your husband, he needs to start respecting your wishes and if you don't feel good about inviting her then don't! You aren't under any obligation at all. This isn't you being insecure or being unreasonable--this is you exercising your right as his wife to say no to him inviting his ex, really, how would he feel if you invited your ex? If he says he would feel fine then he is lying through his teeth let me tell you. You shouldn't have to deal with the past while you're making plans for the future with your husband. Talk with him and I'm sure he'll understand. Best of luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): Its YOUR wedding, if you dont want her there thats how it should be. If he still really wants her to come ask what is more important you (his future wife) or her...the answer should be simple.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2006): Hi, I think you are probably right that you don't want your boyfriends ex girlfriend at the wedding. In life some people can think this is not a problem but others don't. So don't feel bad about this. Remember, they have shared a very close and intimate relationship at one point and this would cause majority of people to feel a little threatened.
The only advice I would give is that you tell your fiancee how you feel. He may insist that she be there and reassure you that he is marrying you and loves you. Remember he is committing the rest of his life to you. Marriages only work if compromises can be met and people can live with their partners decisions even if they think they are wrong. In this case i'm afraid you will probably be the one who has to compromise. It may not seem fair at the time but in future he will have to accept a decision of yours that he thinks is wrong.
Good luck. Have a excellent wedding day.
Hope everything turns out fine.
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A
female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (16 June 2006):
 Is the issue that they are still friends or she will be at the wedding or both?
Realistically, if they have become friends now you can't force him not to see her and if they are friends it is reasonable that he should want her at the wedding.
At the end of the day it is his wedding too and if they are mates, he would want her there.
I am really good mates with one of my exes and when I get married, I would like him there because he is my friend. I don't see him as any different as my friends from school or uni or work. He is just a mate.
If my fiance got mad at this idea, personally I would be a little bit concerned that he didn't really trust me and lets face it, I'm sure that there would be people who he would want to invite that I would prefer not to be there but marriage and relationships are about give and take. Sometimes we have to put up with people our partners are friends with who we really don't think too highly of.
The main issue you have to decide is if you really trust him, you say you do but the fact you are so against her being there indicates perhaps you do have some worries?
I know that in an ideal world, your partner's ex would not be an issue but unfortunately or fortunately, especially in this day and age where people have more partners before they get married, have multiple marriages in their lifetime and simply often get married later, we all have to deal with exes.
Banning her from your wedding or any other function will just make him annoyed and resentful and basically feel like you don't trust him. Imagine how you would feel if he turned around and said "I don't want your friend xyz at the wedding" How would you feel?
I know its hard but it sounds like you are not going to get rid of this woman and anything you do could cause problems with your partner. Its about give and take and sometimes in a relationship we need to put up with things. The main thing is trust here.
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