A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My cousin and I grew up on the same street. Both of us are 35 years old, don't want kids and we share the same hobbies When we were teenagers, we used to sneak off to hold hands, make out and we only had sex once when we were 17 years old. When we were not running off to be alone, we would hang out like best friends. We decided to stop the romantic side of our relationship due to our fear of our family and friends finding out. We remain close and I always viewed her as my best friend. We are both single and we actually now live in the same condo complex. We usually eat dinner together (we live in a small city). Last night, we talked about the past and we both expressed that we wished we could get back together. I always felt like if she wasn't my cousin, she would be my soul mate. Can cousins be romantically involved with each other? If so, what is the best way to go about it, including talking to our family about it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2020): Hi
First Cousins, it's very much like what all the aunt's & uncles have said, lots of different experiences and reactions from people and be prepared to upset or shock some people. I am what my family calls a Kissing cousin. I had no plans or fantasy's or inclination or culture-driven thoughts about my cousin or that my life would take me to have a relationship with my first cousin.
Although we had never met each other before, we knew of each other from afar, there was no mistaking (for me)when we first met that we were going to be together. I fought it, I ignored it, I questioned if it was the genetic factor of not seeing him before and that was the attraction.
long story short, we were met with the odd family fallout by certain members and verbal abuse but they would be like that anyway regardless, I just accepted that they had a right to how they felt, but so did we. Whereas oddly my parents and his mother gave their blessings and said just be happy. We had good support from friends who never judged us and close family don't treat us any differently, they make humor about a confusing family tree that they have to do now and always forget that we are cousins. People accepted that we were going to be together like it or not. We both decided not to have children for genetics and he already had children from his previous marriage so I became step mum. life threw us together, we were single and we both felt that we did not have a great deal of choice in this particular life event, other than moving back to different parts of the world and been unhappy and not been true to ourselves, that would have been wrong.
Everyone's relationships are different, I believe in soul love and this surpasses physicality, age, gender, and family logistics.
15 years later, no regrets, it was love and still is.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2020): Believe it or not marriage of cousins is quite common in the Muslim World and is in fact the isential marriage tie in some communities to preserve the tradition of extended families. I believe cousin marriages are allowed in the Jewish faith too.
The greatest love story in the classical Arabic litrature is the Epic poetry of two cousins "Kase and Layla" which like the epic of "Romeo and Juliet" in the Western Culture has influenced the entire Islamic litrature over the ages.
However cousin marriages is shunned in the western World and I believe is forbidden by most Christian sects. Listen to the excellent advice given by the aunts and uncles here which I believe will spare you both a lot of awkwardness and pain in the future. When in Rome do as the Romans do. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2020): To me the idea of first cousins in a sexual relationship seems completely wrong. If you got pregnant there could be all sorts of hereditary issues passed to the child. Of course you get on and have similar interests - you are genetically very similar just as brother and sister or parent and child. I would advise you look for a soulmate elsewhere outside of your immediate relatives!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 August 2020):
 It all depends from your culture / ethnicity.
Did you know that in Egypt 40% of marriages happen between cousins, and it's 67% in Saudi Arabia, and 54% in Kuwait ? Apparently in many Middle Eastern countries they actually think that marrying a cousin is a very good idea.
Not so much in Europe or USA, of course, but the level of acceptance is very nuanced. In Italy for instance , marrying a first cousin is perfectly legal if you have a civil ceremony only , but if you want a religious
( Catholic ) one you need an explicit licence by your Bishop. Regardless if the marriage with a first cousin is legally allowed or not ( as some posters mention, in some parts of USA it's against the law ! ) the reaction of society , friends and family may go from sheer horror, to curiosity and amazement, to " no big deal " total indifference. That would have a lot to do with your community and family traditions, religion, social class etc., so without knowing that it is hard to predict what the reactions around you would be. You seem to anticipate that there may be unhappiness or displeasure around the issue, then again one thing that cuts short so many arguments is that you are not going to have children, and that's surely in your favour because the main reason why people is wary of this kind of liaisons is for the higher risk of genetic diseases .
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2020): P.S.
I forgot to mention how to address the family about it. Don't expect a lot of open-mindedness or blessings. Not everyone feels comfortable about inter-familial romances. It will definitely create a lot of gossip, and some might react quite strongly or aggressively.
I wouldn't make it a big announcement at the table on Thanksgiving, or during holiday family-celebrations! That's reserved for people coming-out as gay! Just kidding!
Reveal it carefully, and to those you trust; and you know to be the most open-minded and tolerant. You might think you don't care, but you've got feelings. People can be harsh.
Just because the law says it's cool; doesn't mean it's cool with your other relatives. Look how people react to partisan-politics! That has polarized close-nit families!!! Our country!
I think you'll both fare better, if you keep it low-key; and not be blatant to the point of being in-your-face or distasteful about it. Not if it's meaningful and real. Some people go out of their way to cause controversy, shock, or create an atmosphere of tension every-time they show-up together. You want to cultivate acceptance. You yield better results with diplomacy, classiness, and tact.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2020): Everyone else has covered the legal aspects of the situation; now consider the emotional.
There is the matter of dealing with family, people closely acquainted with the family, social prejudices; and if you're just undergoing sexual-nostalgia, and this will all soon pass. It seems like a lot to risk for nothing to come of it.
Being cousins aside, we frequently get posts from people who want to stroll down memory lane. Attempting to relive their youthful experience in sexual-experimentation and exploration. Embarking on a lustful journey into the past through time-travel. Touting taboo and crossing boundaries. Forgetting there are more complex emotions that could be involved. Having a few dinners and creating sexual-tension is no big deal. It's what happens next that matters.
Things you did for the first-time leaves a lifelong impression on you. It's a popular topic for posts here on DC. Yours is not the first of its kind. People want to pursue their high school romances from the past; or hookup with sexual-partners from years gone-by. Developing almost an obsession based on memories. The memory has a way of creating blissful recall; sometimes blotting out details of reality, subsequent damages, and consequences. It then becomes fantasy vs reality. That's where things get dicey.
Are you exploring this venture for the purpose of fetishism or sexual-indulgence, or do you have genuine romantic-attraction that will have meaningful and emotional-depth? There runs a danger of her expecting something more involved; than just romping in the sack to give you a taste of what you felt when you were only 17. You may become attached for the sake of sex, and she may not wish that to be the only purpose of pursuing this.
Consider more than what kind of pleasure you'll get out of this sexually, my friend. You're crossing a lot of lines for this to lead to nowhere. Not judging, just offering food for thought.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 August 2020):
 Just a quick internet search shows that 18 states allow 1st cousin marriages. There are some states that will allow it under certain circumstances. Check where you live to see if its legal. I'm sure you realize that the two of you can live together without marriage. If you have no intention of having children, then there is no risk of passing on some hereditary problems so if you go through with it, one of you should probably consider sterilization just so there aren't any mishaps.
The family? Thats a whole different ballgame. It depends on how open minded your family is. I have a feeling it won't go over well for some of the family. Are the two of you close to anyone in the family that you can try it out on? That you trust that they will not spill the beans and be honest? I'd definitely start slowly. Don't expect that everyone is going to jump for joy with the news. Its still a very taboo subject for many folks.
I honestly don't see where you are hurting anyone provided a child isn't brought into the equation but some people it just has that "EWWWWW" attached to it.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 August 2020):
 Growing up together would put most people off. However, it’s up to you (and your local law) as to what your relationship can be.
My main concern would be the potential family fall out if you had a nasty break up. You mutually broke up years ago, but if you got together again and had a messy break up, how would it affect your family? It has to be your choice, but it doesn’t only affect you two.
If you don’t want children, maybe get a vasectomy to prove to any legal restrictions that you aren’t having children together (if you’re first cousins).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 August 2020):
 While I don't believe in soul mates there are some people we just click with more than others.
For most people growing up with someone can often take them off the "romantic list" especially if you are related. For you two it didn't.
Are you first cousins? Or second?
Because in many places first cousins shouldn't be dating or get married simply because of the degree of shared DNA. I know you say we don't want kids. But still, you should check and see if there is anything legal against it. The DEGREE of shared DNA (so first cousin versus second cousin is important).
"Legally, you can date and be intimate with your first cousin, but if you are considering marriage, laws vary by state and country. In the U.S., some states legally forbid first cousins from marrying, some require genetic counseling before legal union can take place, and other states require proof that at least one potential spouse is infertile."
"In the United States, second cousins are legally allowed to marry in every state. What's more, the genetic risk associated with second cousins having children is almost as small as it would be between two unrelated individuals. Marriage between first cousins, however, is legal in only about half of American states."
I had a childhood friend who's mom married her first cousin when she was in her 40's (she had had a hysterectomy) and they were granted a waiver. There would be no kids from this union in any way shape or form. The family was actually OK with it. Though my friend though it was weird. They are in their 70's now and still married.
I would PROBABLY put out feelers to close relatives FIRST and see their reaction. Before getting into a relationship.
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