A
female
age
30-35,
*3093
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and a half years. Last year we became a long distance couple due to us going to different Universities. The first year of long distance had ups and downs, but all in all it was pretty great. This last time I saw him (1 week ago) we were doing really well, we were really close and enjoying ourselves and he kept bragging to his friends when we were on a night out that I was with him. However these last days he has been really distant.Now today, I accidentally logged into his facebook account as he left it as 'keep logged in' and I saw he was currently having a chat with an old friend. I am a bit nosey so I had a peak and I saw that he was talking about me and saying how he feels insincere when he says he loves me, and isn't attracted to me anymore and keeps thinking about the girl who lives below him. And that he had a sex dream about her.Now this really took me by surprise, because I thought we were fine and stable. I never thought that he could ever not love me. And the attraction thing is really surprising as I am a little overweight but more curvy than fat. And I am not hideous and he has always been really complimenting about how I look. It felt like such betrayal because he was just spouting lies when talking to me.I decided I would just confront him and tell him what happened. At first he was annoyed that I saw what he wrote, then he started apologising and we had a really, really long talk about everything. I asked him whether he wanted to be single so that he could try it on with this girl and he said he wanted to be with me and it was purely lust. He also revealed that he feels isolated from his friends, and his University experience so far this year, was utterly disappointing and his University work is so hard, he wants to start everything again and he doesn't know what he feels any more as if everything is all 'swirled up' inside his head. And then he asked if we could take a break, and both come back to talk about whether we still want to be together in a week. With rules being no kissing or sexual contact with anyone during this time and only talking in an emergency.Now, for me this is heartbreaking. We were both each other's first loves, first everything and we are so close. We talk everyday and we are basically in constant contact. And I feel so lost and isolated as I don't have many friends, I still live with my parents and don't have much of my social life as all my close friends moved away for University, whereas I went to one down the road.The possibility of breaking up also sucks as I am so close with his parents, sisters/brothers and niece and nephew and I am completely and utterly head over heels for this guy. I thought he was my one, he always said he wanted to get married and be with me until the end of time. So my question is, do you think it is possible to stay together after a break? Do you think I have a chance of getting my relationship back to how it was? How do I keep myself busy and not talk to him?Thank you if you read all the way down. Any advice would be appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): No don't violate the rules of the break and contact him prematurely. You had agreed to no contact for however long so you need to stick to that. it would be really annoying if you didn't.
this break is mainly for him to decide if he wants to stay with you or not, correct? It's not your place to tell him to come up with this list or that list or whatnot. You want to do it for yourself, fine, that's a good exercise to work through on your own and by all means share it with him when you next talk at the pre-determined time, but don't push it on him, that would be very irritating from his perspective. and since he's deciding if he wants to stay with you or not, now sure isn't the time to be getting on his nerves. everyone is on their own personal journey, don't presume to know what he "needs" to be doing to figure his own stuff out.
A
female
reader, E3093 +, writes (10 November 2012):
E3093 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice. Just letting you know that University in the UK is like College for the US, and my boyfriend and I met in Sixth Form which is the last two years of High School in the US. And we are both nearing our twenties, we have already evolved into an adult couple rather than a teenage immature couple.
I have been strong and not contacted him. But it is so damn hard, instead I have just thrown myself into friendships and hobbies.
I don't think that this is him changing into a different person and not wanting to be with me. I think it is that we have been together for so long that he doesn't remember what life was like free and part of him wants that sense of freedom. Although I know that it would be a grass is greener on the other side situation.
I also don't think he was lying on purpose, he isn't a lad or a player, he is in all honesty a big goody two shoes who isn't good at social skills. He is a big, big geek a bit like Leonard of the Big Bang Theory and he probably lied to try and spare my feelings. Either way, I think after this break we can work through it but it will take a lot of time to trust him again.
I created a list of what we need to do singually so that we can grow as individuals and not as a couple. And what we can work on as a couple, and obviously trust, honesty and communication are in that bracket.
Part of me thinks it is good that we've had a break because I was so wrapped up in this world where I didn't have anyone else but him. And I didn't think I did, but my best friends have really come through for me in a way that I never thought they would. They have been taking me out and making sure that I am always on the go instead of sitting around looking at the phone.
I also have another question, Do you think I should pause the break for one moment to 1. Ask him to do a list and then we can discuss it next week when we finally talk about everything? and 2. Should ask to extend the break for a few days and get him to come down here so we can talk about everything in person? If we were to part ways, I would prefer in person than online. Is this a good idea or will I be digging my own grave?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): I actually think you should break up with him now. He has shown that he is insincere and an extremely good actor which is SCARY. He's also shown that he will deceive you and not be honest with you that he's having problems with you. let's say you take this 'break' and he decides he wants to continue the relationship. That is actually not a good outcome, in my opinion. How can you ever trust him again when he tells you he loves you or that he's happy with you? Even if you're having a very good time together and it seems like you're so close and each other's best friend, how can you know this is actually TRUE? if someone's words and actions are not true, what else do you have to go by? You're not a mind reader. I mean, you obviously felt like you two were very close and having a good time together last week and yet the next day he was distant and then he tells someone else that he isn't in love with you, has all these issues with you (that he never had the courtesy to tell you to your face) and is lusting after another woman. This can only mean one of two things:(1) he's a VERY good actor and is capable of intentionally deceiving you, so you can never take him at face value and you can never know where you truly stand with him. You'll never know who you're truly dealing with.(2) If he's not intentionally deceiving you, then that must mean he's a chameleon who really can change his true feelings at the drop of a hat. Beware, such people will yank you around as their feelings change back and forth with the wind.Neither of these scenarios bode well for a stable and secure long-term relationship, EVEN IF he tells you otherwise. I say, get out of this relationship, he is not an 'emotionally safe' person to be involved with. You should look for someone who is honest and sincere and stable, not someone who will lie and put on a good act and not tell you where you truly stand with him until you happen to find out on your own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): Hey hunny. Uni can be a very big strain on people. Its a whole new experience that can often be overwhelming and sometimes when you have to be apart from your bf/gf insecurities can manifest. Feelings such as doubt will creep in because your loved one isnt there 24/7....however, there is no gentle way to say this, the conversation that you caught your boyfriend having is likely to be his true feelings and he is just to much of a coward to admit it so he has asked for a break. If you feel i am wrong then please give him the week to make up his mind but please dont let him string you along. I dont blame you for feeling upset.good luck hun xxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): "The possibility of breaking up also sucks as I am so close with his parents, sisters/brothers and niece and nephew and I am completely and utterly head over heels for this guy. I thought he was my one, he always said he wanted to get married and be with me until the end of time."Unfortunately, that was a schoolboy professing his undying, eternal love to a schoolgirl, before you and he and yours and his (UK equivalent of) high school friends graduated and went your separate ways to different universities. "So my question is, do you think it is possible to stay together after a break?"Possible but unlikely for fully-formed adults, less possible and more unlikely for young adults living independently for the first time. Its not a "break" you're experiencing, it is a fundamental change in life circumstances. "Do you think I have a chance of getting my relationship back to how it was?"Unfortunately, no. You and he are both growing and evolving, but his growth and evolution and maturation and change is proceeding at an accelerated rate because he has left his previous surroundings entirely behind him, while you're still living in your parents' home while attending university, same as (UK equivalent of) high school."How do I keep myself busy and not talk to him?"Start spending more time on campus, perhaps maybe even look into possibility of living on campus to more completely immerse yourself in university life as your schoolboy sweetheart has done. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but very few (UK equivalent of) high school romances survive the transition to adulthood. You'll both be far different people when you receive your university degrees, and you'll likely have far different goals, ambitions, and dreams as real-world adults than you did as starry-eyed teenagers. Change is a part of life, you must learn to adapt to it, no matter how unexpecteed and unwelcome.
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A
female
reader, pinkroc  +, writes (9 November 2012):
Yes you can survive a break. But you HAVE to have radio silence. Men process different than women and he needs to figure things out in his own head without you in it. Either one of two things will happen. He will come back and be sorry and u need to lay down the foundation of being be together. Or he wants to stay apart. If so good riddance. Keep yourself busy by trying new things you're in college there are a million of groups or clubs try one! Meet new people make friends in class anything to keep from calling him. You'll be better off. Good luck honey!
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