A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have big control issues - I like to micro manage everything and I also have trust issues. I have been going to therapy - and my husband said recently that he thinks I've gotten better. I had also given up alcohol. Then on Saturday night - we had a night out and it was an alcohol fuelled binge.I am giving up alcohol for good now.We had a major fight. My husband says now it is the last time he forgives and forgets my controlling behaviour. I understand and take complete responsibility for my actions. But he says he doesn't know what he wants. He says he won't divorce after less than a year of marriage, but that for the moment - having children (we have been trying) is off the table. He also says, we will stay married and if things don't get better, we will divorce in a few years. I don't know what to do. I'm giving up alcohol and I've doubling up on my therapy sessions as they do seem to be helping. I want to show him I can make things right. I have been giving him as much space as he needs. He's so angry. HE says he loves me but part of him hates me for how unfairly I have treated him. I know I have treated him badly. I just want things to be better but I'm afraid that this could be the end and I don't know how or what to say because he won't listen to my apologies.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 June 2017):
 You need to change for yourself not your husband. Although he is a great focus to start to accept that you have an alcohol problem and need help with control and trust issues. It is nothing to be ashamed about. If therapy is not working to great have you tried switching to someone else, maybe going to your doctor to direct you on to the right people. If you love your husband and more importantly if you love yourself you will improve.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 June 2017):
 He's still there. He hasn't given up on your yet. He sounds like a very fair and sensible man, but he also sounds like a man who has reached the end of his tether. Bringing children into this relationship as it is would be disastrous, especially given the fragility of the relationship.
The ball is definitely in your court now. He has been honest about how he feels. You need to stick to your resolve not to drink and you need to keep up with your therapy. There are probably a lot of forums and support sites for your issues. Perhaps joining some of them to contact people with similar problems might help you with ideas and also give you a bit of support.
Good luck. I hope if works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2017): OP here, thanks WiseOwlE for your reply.
I really don't want to be the person that I am. I never really tried hard enough before to change, I don't think I took full responsibility for my actions.
We have spoken briefly since I posted this question. He says he has forgiven me too many times, and this time he will not forgive and will not forget. That he is disgusted by my lack of making a change.
I am 100% determined now. I love him - he's my best friend and I want to make the change. I'm just afraid it won't be enough, he says he doesn't care anymore. But he also said that he's not backing down this time, when I asked him if he thinks we can work it out - he said that it's not up to him - it's up to me.
I know my husband, there are a few people that he holds grudges against, and always will, because they screwed him over. He told me he will never look at me the same way again. I'm afraid that even if I make the changes, he will never respect me again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2017): You forced your husband to take a stance. You are very cognizant of your control-issues, you know you don't handle alcohol well, and you aren't showing him enough progress from your therapy.
What choice does he have, but to put his foot-down? Nothing gets attention like consequences. Apologies mean nothing when they have to be given over and over for the same offenses.
If you value your marriage, you will work with your husband to save it.
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