A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone give me some perspective on the husband as the "head of the household"? My fiance comes from a religious background and says this is important.I would like to understand what it is goig to mean in terms of how things will be different once we are married. And does a household have to have a head? Can't it be a more or less equal partnership?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): This is a "Hot Topic" with me right now, and I'll tell you why... Years ago, when I was fresh out of college, I met a 'really nice guy'. He was handsome, intelligent, personable, funny... Everyone seemed to like him... adorable smile... We dated and fell in love. He proposed. It seemed PERFECT. One night after our engagement, we were talking - one of those stay-up-til-the-wee-hours-of-the-morning-talking-about-Life-the-Universe-etc... I don't remember how or why it came up, but at some point he began telling me that "the man is the head of the household." The things he said that evening were, in my opinion, very degrading to women - to a woman's own intelligence. The fluffy cloud I had been riding on fell out from under me. And I dropped. Into reality. (Momentarily.) He was adamant that I 'come to my senses' and accept [the man being the head] as Truth. It wasn't just what he was saying, but how he was saying it. He ended up crying- he became terribly upset. He said (while almost sobbing), "have you ever tried with all of your heart to explain something to someone and they just wouldn't LISTEN???" Ohhh, I was listening- I heard. He was brought up in a very traditional Southern Baptist household. In fact, his father was -and still is- a Southern Baptist preacher. He had "traditional" conservative views... Up until this point, I felt he was also very logical - and he loved how straightforward, logical, independent and strong I was (still am). This conversation should have been a deal breaker for me. I was 24, naive, quite innocent, really, very inexperienced in many ways... but I thought everything would work out. We got married. That was in 1998. I filed for divorce in 2002. He was never the 'head' of my home- I had to take care of EVERYTHING. All he did was show up to eat. And often, he didn't even do that. Here it is 2012, and he's teaching my son about "the man being the head"... For my ex-husband, it's about POWER- having the title of 'head of the household'. He talks the talk, but he doesn't walk the walk. When we divorced, he went back to his mother so that she could take care of everything for him. He is SO lazy and irresponsible. My dad would say, "He really IS the laziest person- he doesn't have the gumption to fight the gnats out of his own a$$." Last week, he sat in my son's counselor's office- and he brought up yet again "the man is the head of the household." It didn't even make sense regarding the conversation we were having- he just tossed it out there as some sort of sidebar. He was making sure that the counselor (a woman) and I both knew "our place," and that we aren't his equal. Because that's how 'the man being the head' translates to him: woman don't need to be in politics, have positions of "power" in companies/businesses- women are not equal to men in any regard. It's one thing to have a marriage and someone be the 'head' of that marriage, but out in the world- women are equal. My point to this long rambling story: make sure that you are clear with what he thinks and feels about men being the head of the household. And why. I've learned quite a bit since I was married, divorced, and now remarried: a man who is Truly the head of the house never has to announce or advertise that he is - he simply IS. It speaks for itself. If a man has to talk about it, and constantly reiterate that "he's the head" - he is assuring himself, trying to convince himself - which makes it about his own ego and image. Well, that's my opinion... My 2 1/2 cents. :) Good Luck to you!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): you need to ask your fiance this, because different religious people have different ideas.
for example my parents-in-law are very religious conservatives and definitely preach the "husband is head of the household" thing. But in reality, my father-in-law is the meekest, most timid, most unassertive person I have ever met. He's a doormat. Everyone walks all over him - his customers, his coworkers, his children, his grandchildren, and certainly his wife. So, how do they "make" him into the head of the household to satsify their religious requirements, when the wife walks all over him?
basically, my mother-in-law decides everything. Where and when they go on vacation, what they have for dinner, whether they will accept other people's social invitations, what they will spend money on, etc. etc. She also makes 3 times as much money as him and always has. She is always ordering him to do this or do that, to run errands for her etc. If you ask him anything, he will always say "I don't know, it depends on what she wants."
yet, because he always goes along with what she wants (if he doesn't, she will sulk and guilt-trip him just as she does to everyone else in the family) what she says, goes, because he as the "head" of the household, didn't disagree so therefore it's all good. It's really silly I think, but it works for them.
Oh, and then another duty he has as the "head" of the household is to say prayers for the family. But the wife will summon him to the table and tell him where to sit, so he can then carry out his duty as the 'head' by saying the family prayers.
so that's how they try to reconcile this religious requirement that the husband is the head, with the reality! When I've talked with friends who have similar views on the husband being the head, but where the husband is definitely NOT leader-material and the wife is pushy, it's the same thing: they say that he is the head because if he should ever put his foot down and decide something different then that will be what happens. But both of them know that in reality that will NEVER happen because the husband is too scared of the wife to go against her wishes! But simply being able to say that if he *really* wanted to he *could* make something else happen, satisfies their religious requirement.
Well there are other people I know who have traditional marriages where the husband really does control everything and the wife is meek and subservient. it usually has more to do with personality: the husband is a more forceful personality while the wife is by nature very meek and happy to leave everything up to him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): don't worry. it simply means you can leave every responsibility to him. whatever happens, just tell him: "I don't know. You are supposed to be the head, not me"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): You need to ask him what he sees as the duties of the head of the household OP. Traditionally it was the person with the final say on everything, literally everything unless he states otherwise.
You need to know what he sees it as so you can determine whether that's a role you can or will fill.
Me and my girlfriend alternate really, I'm the head of the household in some respects, if we have builders in I deal with them because I'm more cutthroat when it comes to getting deals. I will fix any repair work in the house etc. When it comes to finances though she's the boss, she's better at money and expenses than me and likes to be in complete control of that kind of stuff. Dealing with neighbours and stuff is my domain.
I am every much the man of the house in a lot of ways, I'm quite a bit older than her and generally know what's what but it's a natural role I just slipped into, it's the dynamic of how we work together it wasn't some outside idea like that of a religion that dictates how we must live and which roles we have. That to me is completely stupid, it may work for some but mostly it doesn't. I think it's a huge mistake for people to try and force roles, force expectations and not just let roles develop naturally. For example I'm a far better cook than my girlfriend although she does try, should she be forced to learn how to cook when I'm more than happy to do it and better at it just because it's a role an outside source thinks is hers? No thanks. If god thinks there's something wrong with how he lives then in all his wisdom and power he can come down and say that to my face and may consider his request and get back to him with my answer.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): "My fiance comes from a religious background and says this is important.I would like to understand what it is goig to mean in terms of how things will be different once we are married."
I suspect it very likely means that your fiance will use random, out-of-context quotes from the Bible as an excuse to control you, beat you down emotionally, force you to submit to his will, and do whatever he wants you to do.
"And does a household have to have a head? Can't it be a more or less equal partnership?"
A household has to have at least one head, but two heads are better than one, and given that nowadays the stay-at-home childless wife is virtually extinct, as is the stay-at-home married mother, I again can only suspect fiance is looking for reasons, excuses, rationalizations, and justifications to control you.
From my personal experience, those who claim to be from "religious" backgrounds are generally among the least religious, most intolerant, most unforgiving, most judgemental, most closed-minded, least God-fearing and least God-loving individuals that it has been my misfortune to encounter.
One's religion should define how one lives her/his own life, not give one license to inflict one's "religious views" upon others.
I would very, very seriously taking a long, hard look and thinking thrice before you marry this guy. He sounds like bad news wrapped in a "Godly" package.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 November 2012):
 Sigh.
Eph. 5.22 " wives submit yourselves unto your husband , as unto the Lord ", Eph. 5.23 " Husband is head of the wife ".
I guess that your bf is from a religion that takes the Bible quite literally. Does he also think that God made women from a male rib, and that made the Universe in actually 7 days of 24 hours each...?
Whatever he means... I am afraid is nothing good.
Most probably he means that he is going to take all the decisions about serious , important stuff ( money, children's education,etc...) also over your head in case you don't agree, and that his word will be always the final and last one , because "even the Bible says so"....
I don't want to scare you, but I'd seriously reconsider before getting more involved...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 November 2012):
 This is an archaic belief dating back to the times when women were not recognised as people in their own right but chattels (or belongings) of their fathers until they were married and then the became the poperty of their husbands. Any property due to the woman automatically belonged to the husband, including wages. Any children born to the women belonged to the man, especially boys, daughters were used to barter for position and property.
A head of the household man makes all the decisions, big and small, from deciding if his money (regardless who earnt it) should be spent on lipstick or hair colour, to the big decisions such as purchasing a house, who would be living in it, and where that house would be.
I would suggest you print this answer and sit down with your fiance and ask him to outline exactly what he is expecting from you if he is to be head of the household. I would also do some research and have some printouts handy to put him in the picture regarding the fact this is the 21 century, not the 12th.
These days marriages are more or less equal partnerships and if he cant accept that he should look elsewhere for a wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): Being a modern, non religious man myself, I believe the only way for relationships/marriages to be run is in 50/50 mode. Of course religions have different ideas, for purpose they believe the man is the ruler I have no idea and don't understand this concept.
In terms of what it would mean or how things would be, I imagine the man would be the bread winner (goes to work, earns the wage and provides for the family)
The woman would be expected to be the bearer of his children, be the stay at home mum/wife, do the cooking, washing, cleaning etc, and generally take care of all the household chores and take care of the children.
Also though, because of the expectations of the "Head of the household" (male) I believe the woman would not have a say in the duties that are expected of her and she would have to obey the husbands demands whatever they may be, and in some situations, there are consequences to face if the wife dis-obeys the husband.
Its not for me to judge however the lifestyle of other couples, different things work for different people, and I have known of non religious couples that run their marriages by this concept too.
I have my own idea of how marriages should be, and stand by that.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 November 2012):
 Well it usually means that if the man is the 'head of the household' he will be the decision maker and control the finances of the household. It will mean that the man and woman are divided into traditional roles, so the woman does the cleaning and childcare, the man works, looks after the money and makes the important decisions about the family.
But you need to speak to your fiance and find out exactly what he means by this comment, he might have different ideas about what the head of the household entails.
You can indeed have a fairly equal partnership, my boyfriend and I for example share the cleaning, we both work full time and manage our money together, the only 'traditional' element of our relationship is that I do the washing & ironing and he takes care of the household bills. But he is definitely not 'head of the household', we make decisions together, manage our money together and work as a partnership.
Talk to your fiance, find out exactly what he means and what he expects of you once you are married.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 November 2012):
Well it usually means that if the man is the 'head of the household' he will be the decision maker and control the finances of the household. It will mean that the man and woman are divided into traditional roles, so the woman does the cleaning and childcare, the man works, looks after the money and makes the important decisions about the family.
But you need to speak to your fiance and find out exactly what he means by this comment, he might have different ideas about what the head of the household entails.
You can indeed have a fairly equal partnership, my boyfriend and I for example share the cleaning, we both work full time and manage our money together, the only 'traditional' element of our relationship is that I do the washing & ironing and he takes care of the household bills. But he is definitely not 'head of the household', we make decisions together, manage our money together and work as a partnership.
Talk to your fiance, find out exactly what he means and what he expects of you once you are married.
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