A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:For the best part of 2 years, I have been seeing my boyfriend most weekends, as he lives 60 miles away. To give you a bit of background: We had been living together previously in the same town for about a year and a half in what was a very intense relationship. He was, at the time, taking speed (amphetamines) but I thought he was so gregarious, funny and deeply in love with me that I guess I ignored the slightly jealous streak, the occasional ‘mind games’ and silly lies. The break up was pretty bad – I suspected him of cheating on me with a woman around the corner from us, which he vehemently denied even though all the signs were there, including her answering his phone at 12.30am when I rang to find out why he was still out so late. I left, went home to live with my parents and to start a new life but he insisted on harassing me and accusing me of having a new boyfriend, even though I didn’t. He also sent me abusive messages, hate mail to my parents’ address and turned up at my house which he knew would upset me as I had kept him a secret from my family (they would have been devastated to know that I was going out with someone who you could say was from the ‘wrong side of the tracks’. I had also fallen pregnant by him and decided to have an abortion as it wasn’t the right environment or relationship to bring up a child and I wasn’t ready, but even then he didn’t believe that I was, and accused me of lying to gain attention and even using a ‘pretend abortion’ as a reuse to getting money out of him, which hurt me so much that he could even think that I would do such a thing. However, all of his friends in his home town all sided with him as somehow he had managed to manipulate them all into thinking that I had ruined his life, made him depressed and that he was the victim.Fast forward a year and a half. He had been emailing me occasionally and I never replied but one day I decided to. We started seeing each other again, after a long break and me believing that I had got over him and we could just be friends. I was stupid to think that we could, but even after everything that had happened, I truly believed that he was sorry for what he had done, the hurt he had caused, particularly as he had broken down and cried which I had never really seen him do before. He had (and still is) on antidepressants and olanzapine, from the previous drug taking and subsequent mental breakdown that he had suffered when we were together so in some ways, I felt that his condition was to blame for his behaviour, although you reading this might think differently?Anyway, for the last 2 years since we started seeing each other at weekends, my boyfriend had constantly stressed his desire to live with me again, even though I didn’t want to go down that road. Our friends and family on both sides have not known what we have been doing – for me it is the shame of people finding out that I have let him back in and for him, it is probably the embarrassment of his friends or family finding out that he is still seeing me after everything he had said about me. So we have seen each other secretly. I have visited him at home (he rents) although nobody he knows (apart from his sisters) knows where he lives so they can’t visit him and I guess discover me. He keeps talking about us getting somewhere to live together but I really don’t understand why? He can’t live in his home town with me for obvious reasons and I can’t live in my home town with him for the same reasons. He never comes up to visit me or meet me halfway. I always drive to see and stay with him and when I do, he never wants to go out but says that he has ebay business to do on his computer, even though when I ring him in the week he always seems to be in the car, or at a friends house. When I have objected and complained that we never go anyway or do anything together he gets angry. What was once a person who wanted to be with me all the time and talk to me has now become distant, critical and argumentative. This has been happening over the last few months and I suspected he has been seeing another woman. Times I have phoned, he is again at ‘a friends’ at night, or can’t speak for more than 30 seconds or is driving even though it’s clear that he isn’t. The strangest behaviour has started when I was off for a week and came to stay with him in the week. He had said that I could stay as long as I wanted yet after 2 days of me being there became agitated when he was going out to do stuff and didn’t want me to come. He even locked me in the house because his opinion was that I would go off to the shop whilst he was out and leave the flat unattended to be burgled, yet I couldn’t understand why he just couldn’t lend me the key? I could have gone out the front door (it’s a yale lock) but it would have meant I would be leaving his inner door unlocked which I obviously wouldn’t do and leave the flat unsecure.Today, I went up to see him again (he keeps saying we need to get somewhere to live as he can’t stand his flatmates), but he was angry that I had just, as he put it, ‘sneaked up’ on him because I don’t trust him (the fact is, I don’t as he is acting weird). Then got angry and said he had to go out as he had so much to do. I reminded him that he had said to come up when I wanted and I was welcome to stay, but he angrily shouted, ‘what can you do here? I have things to do and I don’t want you following me around. You can either stay in the house or go home’. When I told him that it was ok, I’d go to the internet cafe he wanted to know for how long and what I intended to do next. He also said that if I saw anyone he knew that I wasn’t to dare tell them that I had seen him or tell them where he lived.I’m so confused. On the one hand he professes his undying love for me – even when I have ignored him for a week and said I have had enough of him he says how much he misses me and wants to be with me and accuses me of seeing someone else when I haven’t. When I have mentioned that I need to rent with someone and move out of my parents as I need my independence again (I’m 32 now, he’s 48) he tells me to wait and we should get a place together, that it’s not bad. On the other hand, when I do take my time to travel over 50 miles to see him, he is distant moody and critical, even worse when I see him outside of the weekend. Yet to everyone else he is the perfect friend, going out of his way to do favours for other people and being this friendly, warm person. He even accuses me of ruining his weekend or expecting him to ‘entertain’ me, which is untrue. I just expect some respect and acknowledgement for being there, is that too much to ask? I don’t feel as though I can ring him as when I do he says that I’m ringing too much, but when I don’t, he doesn’t call for days, preferring to just text occasionally which I don’t think forms a good basis for communication in a relationship. I feel as though I am making all the effort and that he says one thing but does something else. I am in a complete some state of limbo, not knowing where I stand and not being able to move on with my life. My question is: Can anyone please shed light on what the hell is going on with this guy?
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abortion, depressed, flatmate, jealous, live with my parents, money, move on, text, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat you guys are saying is right. I know that I also have problems to have put up with this for so long. Believe it or not, I was a vibrant, confident happy person a couple of years back and would never have envisaged I would get myself into this situation. My self esteem and confidence has plummeted and it's almost as though I have become desensitised or used to what's going on. I'm glad that I've posted to the site and got this off my shoulders as I have told no-one, absolutely no-one about what has been going on. Thanks for your comments and advice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): No sweetie, the question is what is going on with YOU?! Clearly from what I have read, this dude is seriously messed up in the head. The fact of the matter is why are you putting up with this? I know this is not the only man in the town that you live in. What is going on inside of you that makes this okay and you tolerate it? I think that you need to go to some sort of counseling to find out what is going on deep inside of you so that you will not attract this type of man anymore. No offense, but at 32 years old, you should have some idea of what is healthy behavior and what is toxic. Even though you know that this guy is psychotic, you still want to be with him. What I really find strange is that you allowed yourself to stay locked in his apartment while he was out doing his thing. I would have went home. I'm just one year older than you and there ain't a snowballs chance in hell that I would allow a man to get away with half of what you put up with. Get some counseling and figure out what's going on with you and learn what a healthy relationship is
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2009): At 32 it's time to become a smart woman, who knows that she is wasting her time on a guy like that.
It's time to find less problematic, not jealous, nice solid man who can give you a home and a family. Who will respect you and will make #1 in his life. Good luck
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 October 2009):
I'm going to put all your problems in this short sentance, and I want you to read it carefully.
He never visits you, you always visit him. He locks you in the house, he accuses you of seeing other men, he accuses you of sneaking up on him, he shouts at you to either stay in the house or go home, he accuses you of ruining his weekend.
He is using you, and apart from that, has serious psychological issues. He won't respect you, because he doesn't care about you at all. When he says he does, he's lying. Guys who care don't do this. And they don't abuse you like you're being abused. He has't changed and he won't change. You must end this now, end all contact permanently and move on. If you don't, you're going to end up where you life has gone, wondering why you've wasted yourself on a guy who is using you as his sex toy and nothing else. Sorry to be blunt, but there it is. Get out and find a guy who will love you and respect you and not lock you in his house. Good luck.
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