A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok I know I am going to get a lot of people getting mad at me for this situation but I need help and I am sorry if I make people mad. I have been married to a wonderful man for 10 years but I have been having an affair with a married man for the past year. I am a flight attendant and he is a pilot. (surprise) Anyway, neither one of us were looking for this but it happened. I thought I was just going to have a fun guy to flirt with at work. Well, I fell in love with him. We spent a lot of time together and things were wonderful. Well, our airline went out of business and our relationship turned into a long distance thing on top of our other obsticales. When our airline went under he said to me do not worry we will be fine we just need to get jobs and we will figure everything out. I believed him. Well, we both got jobs with other airlines now and had a differcult summer but stayed together. He has always told me not to listen to my friends and that he is not the typical married pilot and that we will be togther. I again believed him. Well, in the last 2 months he has changed. He has broken up with me several times telling me he wants me but he doesn't want to leave his daughter ( i know, i know, typical) He has said his heart is with me he just cant be with me. He will then call me or email or text and take it all back and say that he goes through "phases." One of the last times he broke up with me he said he was going to try and be a better husband. I had to force that answer out of him but I needed to know. He then said later that I backed him into a corner and forced him to say that. Needless to say it hurt. Well we started talking again and I went to see him a week ago for 4 days. It was weird I felt like he cared and was happy to see me but it just felt weird. Anyway, he was being an ass after I came back and I decided tgo lay it all out on the line tell him how I feel and what a jerk he was and I was braking up with him. I did this all via email. He then called me and asked me if I was done yet? meaning was I done with all my ranting and raving and he completly ignored my email. I of course allowed him to remain in my life. Well yesterday he broke up with me again. He said I should not have assumed we were back togther this last time and that he thought we were "just friends." Are you kidding me??? Friends dont say I love you friends dont have sex. I felt humiliated and like a jackass. He then said we just cant be together...right now. There is just not a relationship....,right now. He then said " I will probably regret this in a month but right now it cant happen. If we are meant to be we are meant to be" I then said is it that you just are not in love with me?? He said he is not good at this stuff and he doesn't know the right thing to say. I said just answer are you not in love with me. He then said "No I am not. See why are you getting so angry??" I have to admit that it stung so bad to hear him say that because he had never said that. I said I am not angry I just wanted the truth. I said I am not ok with being your friend I am sorry. He said fine. He then text me when we hung up and said Sorry. I said no need to be sorry Im glad I have heard the truth now. He then text my friend and said I seriously hope she doesn't hate me. Well, I feel awful. Not only for this but I have hurt my husband so deeply over this. He asked me what is it about this guy that I cant let go and that I keep risking everything for? I have no answer for him. My husband is sweeter, more loving, giving and better looking then my married man. What is my problem? What makes me even more mad is that I have torn my life apart over him and he walks away undamaged. His wife knows nothing and he gets to go along and be a happy great husband to her. I would never tell her because I dont think that would do any good. I just feel so horrible. I want to be strong and not call him or email and I havent. Once he said what he said there is really no going back. He is not in love with me? I feel awful and need help from people who have been there. I really dont believe he will contact me again and I wont contact him I just need help getting over him and trying to make my marriage work and get back to loving and appreciating my husband. Can anyone help me????
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affair, at work, broke up, fell in love, flirt, I love you, long distance, married man, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): HiI don't think you are a bad person. I have experienced exactly the same thing. A 3 and a half year relationship outside of my marriage with a work college who kept getting cold feet.I tried to leave my husband several times.Nothing is that straight forward.Now my 'friend' has backed off. My husband has been hurt. I feel so stupid and angry with myself for allowing this to happen.My husband has changed. He was a big drinker and very abusive to me. Since I have been stronger he has changed.I now need to work on my marriage to see if I want to be there, without having someone else to run to. I should have done that before but with 5 young children it is not so easy to simply walk away.I can see why you feel angry with your ex boyfriend. i feel really angry with mine. He goes back to his life and wife who know nothing. I have hurt my husband, destroyed a part of myself.We will recover. We have been in a vulnerable possition and we were taken advantage of, although we have to admit we went along with it all. Now we have to recover. Forget the boyfriend and see if we can be happy with the marriage.I feel for you as I am in the same position. People will judge us but I say that you never know what life throws at you and relationships are very complicated things. x
A
male
reader, bkw +, writes (8 May 2009):
My wife of 23 years cheated on me for 8 months i was never the perfect husband but there is never a good reason or excuse to do this to your spouse ever,,,i am still reading alot of articles and going to counseling but its tuff the trust is gone its spilled by the buckets and refilled one drip at a time. How to Gain Forgiveness and RespectAfter Your AffairBy Katie Coston. Download this book online.Its really good
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Sorry but HAHAHAHA! you SOOO got what you deserved. I hope your husband leaves you, and you don't deserve to find happiness-home wrecker!
Just for the record. I don't think there is such a thing as 'harmless flirting' and this just proves that:
"neither one of us were looking for this but it happened. I thought I was just going to have a fun guy to flirt with at work. Well, I fell in love with him."
Firstly what kind of trashy person disrespects their marriage vows by thinking it's cool to flirt that way and betray their husband or wife. Secondly, "LOVE"?! You clearly have no idea of what this word means...
You got yours, he'll get his, and maybe your husband could be hooked up with his wife-they sound much better suited for one another
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Stop messing with other peoples marriages. If not for your own selfish needs, think of the kids!
I agree! You got what you deserved-heart break. Your poor husband deserves better than you.
This pilot has TOLD YOU that he WANTS to be a better husband to HIS WIFE. He regrets his affair with you, because you both conducted yourselves in a cheap and nasty way. You don't even value or respect your own loving husband enough to stop spreading your legs for someone that doesn't love you!
And how could he love you?!?! You are nothing if you have no respect, you've been way too available, and you are knowingly cheating on your husband-how could either of you ever trust each other? You are both worthless in my opinion, but at least he's trying to put an end to the whole mess-even despite your persistent efforts to seduce him.
Move on, learn from it and stop wrecking other peoples families
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): So was she thinking about Lent or for that matter other people's lives she was wrecking when she did what she did?
I don't think so.
In the aviation industry, unfortunately FA's and pilots do not have great reputations for being faithful, even though many can be. And, many are not...it is NOT a small percentage that are faithful to their spouses. I personally met a MARRIED FA last year who bragged about having an affair with a married pilot, then continued to complain how he dumped her for another FA!! WTF? Many wives (mostly they are wives), are at home who are married to pilots and no matter how hard they work in the marriage, are dealt a raw deal because of these FA's who can't keep their hands off the married pilots. AND you married pilots who do cheat and you know who you are, you are just as hideously and disgustingly, unfaithful and you have no conscience.
To hurt your spouses back home like that, sleeping around in hotels in other cities thinking it will never come back to haunt you, and you hurt others and children, trust me, it will, and will hurt you just as bad in the long run. Until you are the spouse getting cheated on, I really don't want to hear about Lent because breaking your marriage vows for some slutty evening between a pilot and an FA shows that those two aren't thinking about their promises to their spouses or God either. Us readers aren't casting any stones, we are on the other end getting hurt from the unfaithfulness. We have a right to judge when we are the scorned wives, think about that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): I cant believe the sympathy in this forum. What a joke.
You do not deserve your husband.
You need to be single and forge a life for yourself again and get your morals straight before you enter a relationship again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): You have got exactly what you deserve girlfriend!!!
You started out wrongly with the fact that:
a) you are married
b) he is married
c) children are involved
d) you were looking for fun flirting!!!??? Are you kidding me? This is where your infidelity started and you have been sucked and spat back out. You were used. The love word, was all a lie. And now look at the destruction you caused.
People like you should not be in a relationship. You are outrageously selfish and insensitive. I do not believe that you deserve your husband.
You have just been served, and I hope it is a very lonely place - because its what you deserve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009):
Listen here FA. I am a wife of a pilot, and I already have experience infidelity with him. We have children and have been married a long time. YOU should never never have done what you did. Yes, these men have responsibility not to stray, but you are also straying in your marriage and helping to wreck others!! I think what you have done is disgusting and you are part of the problem in this aviation industry! You should do your job professionally and go home to your husband, be a good woman with your legs closed. YOU are helping to cause the breakup of many pilot/wife marriages and us wives at home are dealing with day to day anxiety and stress because of it. Personally, whatever happens to you badly, you deserve it for slutting around with pilots on layovers, wanting to seduce them and thinking you can steal a woman's pilot husband for yourself. Shame on you, you make me sick.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008): In answer to your question regarding how to focus on your marriage and get over your affair, one helpful exercise is to take some solitary commune time and think about life without your husband. Don't just dabble in the thought, concentrate on the reality of the situation. Think about going home everyday to an empty house. Really imagine deeply never seeing your husband again, not because of your choice, but because he has left you and has no interest in speaking with you due to your infidelity. Close your eyes and picture an empty, lonely house. Think about how each activity you engage in (laundry, cooking, watching TV, etc.) has incredible emotional impressions from your husband. Imagine deeply, that after 1 month of your husband's absence, you finally understand how incredibly reliant you are on him for your emotional well-being, your own personal confidence and your own ability to operate on a day-to-day basis. Realize fully that you could not even have engaged in a relationship with another man if you didn't have your husband as an emotional anchor. Cooking a meal for yourself will likely spur an emotional breakdown now that your husband has moved on. You will likely break down in tears on a daily basis and regret having not focused on your marriage. Imagine how, subsequent to the realization, you will work to get him back. Now imagine frantically writing and calling him, only to be rebuffed at every effort of communication. Your husband has now moved on, not because he is unemotional and callous but out of self-preservation. He will be deeply hurt, but he will never return to you. Imagine now, you must face the reality you are all alone without the man you married. You are alone, truly alone, and finally realize what precious relationship you have destroyed by pursuing this married pilot, who has already moved on and is completely emotionally uninterested in you.
I hope this exercise will help you move on. In order for it to be of any value, you need to really concentrate and imagine each phase.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): Hi everyone. I hope somebody reads this. I am having such a weak moment. I want to email him so bad and ask him why he didnt tell me he was not in love with me the first time he ended things back in August? If he would of said that back then instead of saying his heart wanted me he just couldnt be with me I would be so much better off at this point. I feel so depressed right now and I am fighting every urge to call him or email him. Why can't I get though this?? I keep thinking of all the bad stuff but I still miss him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Hello everyone its me again. Thank you so much. you all have no idea how this is helping me. I am going to seek a therapist to find out why I have done what I have done. I know I need to figure out what is missing within myself. I again cannot tell you how much everyone's stories and advice has helped. I check this website throughout the day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): I too am married to an attractive amazing man, only 3 weeks after my marriage I started having an emotional affair that over time turned into a full blown sexual & emotional affair we thought we were in love, he even proposed to me, I went back and forward from my husband and the other man in my life, I couldn't decide what I wanted!! I eventually ended it with the other man, it went down like you would imagine, lots of tears and un-answered feelings.
Its now two years after i had my affair I have no feelings for him, infact the thought of him makes me want to vommit. But now all I feel is deep regret for hurting such a good person (husband), I have sub consciously tried to punish myself ever since, I feel bad for being happy!! It is not a nice place to be (as you know), Its my 3rd wedding anniversary on labour weekend, and I still feel the pain, I tried to mend my broken marriage but the wounds were to deep! What I failed to do was mend myself,, there is a reason you cheated (not excuse), but you need to heal yourself before you will make any relationship work.
Stop punishing yourself and work on what your missing in your life.
all the best
XXXX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Hi - its me the 10 year nightmare one. He will hurt one day like you do. Reason is you will not be the last affair he has and trust me trust me please - his wife will find out one of those times in the future and he will certainly know pain then. Just be glad you didn't cause her that. Hold your head up high - you are in fact the better person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Hello its me the flight attendant again. I thank you all for your kind words and encouraging me. I really felt good reading all of your replies. I am trying. Taking it day by day. There are moments of utter sadness that come over me as well as total anger. I have not contacted him or anything so I have 2 days down forever to go. I am glad he told me what he did because really what can I say to him anyway if I did contact him? How dumb would I look? I have to say though that a part of e hope he hurts this way someday...
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (15 October 2008):
 This man was a charmer, nothing more. I don't doubt you had some good times with him, it was exciting, different and it made you feel like a teenager again. He would feel the same way in the beginning, all very new, exciting and different. Now that time has elapsed then the novelty has worn off (more for him) and because your airline went under then it took more effort for him to see you which was a pain in the ass for him. You'd fallen hard for him, he pushed all your buttons, said all the right things (and I guy will say what you want to hear to have his way with you) but at the end of the day you were just a fling...
I know it's hard to hear, you're not the first one to be taken in by married men and you certainly won't be the last. You forced him to tell you how he felt and he did! Yep it hurts but at least now you know! Find the thing that is hurting you (the poison) and put it out of your life, get rid of it once and for all. If you are really serious about mending your marriage then you should change your phone number or block his phone number from your phone. Block his emails, get rid of any letters/pictures... anything do do with him and concentrate on your husband. He seems loyal, grounded, understanding and very forgiving.
Do something together like planning a holiday or a weekend away together and let him know how silly you've been and how much you want to make things work with him. He must love you very very much...
Oh and by the way... this married man probably WILL try to contact you again. It's all a game to him, he'll test the water with you to see if he still has you wrapped around his little finger so don't be fooled into thinking.... "he must love me to contact me again." Get rid of the past and embrace the future together with you and your husband. Think how lucky you have been to come through this and still have a wonderful husband there waiting with open arms and willing to give things another go with you.
~Eve~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): The thing that bothers me about your post is that it took him telling you he wasn't in love with you to wake you up...now you realise what an amazing guy your husband is and what a fool you've been etc etc....I just wonder where you'd be if this married man of yours had continued to lie to you and make you think he did care?
You don't know what you want. That's what got you into this mess in the first place. You need to examine what allowed you to destroy the trust in your marriage and continue to hurt a man you obviously care a great deal for. You would still be hurting him if you could be...that's the reality of the situation. Something is wrong within you - and only by facing it can you begin to heal.
I am speaking from experience too - only I am the wife. The hardest thing for me in trying to 'rebuild' my marriage has been that I don't trust that my husband has faced alot of the 'issues' that lead him to cheat - so while I believe he loves me and wants to be with me and we are doing great in many ways...I can't help feel afraid he might 'loose his way' again sometime in the future. Don't do that to your husband - sort yourself out. If you do and you choose to fight for your marriage then he'll fight too. If you decide you have to go - he'll be glad to know the truth just as you were.
Hope you can work this out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): This man sounds like the typical married man with all his stories!! It is going to be hard to give him up because he has become like a drug to your system... change your email address, dont answer any of his calls, avoid him at all costs. Go back to your husband and put more effort and energy into your marriage. I too strayed, but stopped the affair before it got too involved, but the damage was done, it has taken a lot of hard work and effort and counselling to finally come to terms with what happened and to try and repair my marriage. Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): What was your husband not offering you that this jerk was? Was it excitement? You are lucky your husband loves you enough to forgive you. Get down on your knees and beg his forgiveness and give up the loser. So many women would love to find a nice man, and you are trying to throw yours away! WHY??? STOP being in touch with the other man, he's made it clear he doesn't love you. Let it go! Otherwise, you're going to wind up alone. I am speaking as "the other woman". A sad bad mistake I made many years ago. If you love your husband, then make the effort to save what you have. Go to a marriage counselor, look deep inside yourself and figure out why you did this. Good luck dear. I hope you realize what you have and can keep it. Being the other woman is not fun, and you wind up spending many many lonely nights.Is that what you want?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): I am not mad at you. You have been very honest and brave and you are acting on instinct (yours) but please know you are being controlled by this guy. He walks over your feelings yet when you pull away he tries to get you back but in a guilt-trip way so that you feel bad for your own natural feelings. I suffered the same way. When I read your post my heart sank because it follows a similar pattern and I had a 10 year version of your 1 year. My husband was less loving but I owned up to the affair but he never knew I carried it on - like you I felt like I could not give it up. Strangely it took something quite small to finally make me give him up and he tried his usual clawing back but I resisted and in the end I saw him for the coward he was. He used to sleep with his wife and then me - in the end it made me mentally ill and I only had myself to blame. If you can love your husband (I could not mine) then please there is only one way of doing this. Change your job, your phone, your email. If you need a fresh start move area but at least demonstrate to your husband you can do this - he sounds amazingly together for the situation. Initially its like coming off a bad drug but it is possible I have done it after many years of 'addiction'. There is no future in a relationship built on a lie. You have put a lot of your life on hold no doubt for this man already it is time to get that back. Plan a holiday - an incredibly special one - with your husband and each time you check your phone (if you don't change it) put it away again because he is probably out shopping with his wife and daughter and not worrying about you. You can do it.
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