A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I'm not exactly sure how I should start off , I apologize if this is too lengthy. But I really need some sound advice, so here goes...My boyfriend and I have been in a on and off relationship for 6 years. The "on" part of it was good, I was happy, he was happy and all that good stuff that relationships are supposed to be made of. He lost his job within the second year, and as a result began asking and depending on me for money. I have never been the kind of woman to take care of, carry or "fend" for a man in any relationship and we didn't live together due to that. I believe that if you don't work, you don't eat-PERIOD. However, concerning my BF, I shied away from standards and found myself in a rut. I did help him, because I cared for him and didn't want to see him struggle. His family isn't a real family at all, so he had no one else to go to(that's another post for another day). But then I began to think that he was taking my giving to him overboard and being totally inconsiderate of my needs. When I first met him, I was very financially stable, worked 2 wonderful high paying, traveling jobs. Owned a house and 2 vehicles. I had a very "well endowed" savings and checking account, a beautiful 3 year old niece(who I’ve raised since birth) and I looked forward to an early retirement. After he lost his job, I lost my house due to a hurricane, had to move and other things happened that put me in a very hard financial place. My boyfriend knew this, yet he still asked me constantly for money, huge and small amounts and when I didn't have it to give, he became very upset, said that I was against him, he did the whole guilt trip thing to the fullest. I would call, he hang up in my face, I didn't hear from or see him for a day or 2. I asked him to be a bit more understanding, but he became very self centered. It had gotten so bad that when he finished, I would actually talk down to myself for not being able to help him. I still stayed with him, I was in love. Then the "off" point of the relationship came when he one day disappeared for the last 2 1/2 years. The first 4 months there was little communication, then after that there was no communication whatsoever, I didn't know if he was alive or dead, he was gone. I was deeply saddened and angry among a slew of other emotions. However, I did not remain idle in his absence, I still loved and cared for him but I began to rebuild my life. I rebuilt my house, I’ve been blessed with both jobs again, my niece is flourishing and I now have a 1 year old baby boy. And around September of last year, I decided to get over him completely. As a woman that was still loved and cared for him, that was easier said than done, but I was making what I considered to be good progress. Fast forward to April of this year, out of no where he called me. He explained to me that he was in jail for the past year and a half in Florida, and spent the other one year before in Georgia and could not remember the last four numbers of my cell. I could understand that (I know that he was never good at remembering names and numbers). He then went on to tell me how much he missed and loved me, he laid the speech on really thick. We talked, I told him that I wanted to take things slowly and I'm wasn’t sure that a relationship is what I needed. You can't leave someone for that amount of time and expect to pick up where you left off. He calmed himself and all was well until about 5 days later when he started the "money" thing again, he’s also pushing that he want’s to come live with me-with me buying the ticket to get here (I know this would be at my expense, cause he's broke). So I, like a fool, gave in and I've been sending him money. I have gave close to a $1,000 in just under a month, without even realizing it. The problem is that I'm still working on my own financial situation, which I have explained to him yet again. And in true fashion, his short temper rises with added pressure to move him in my home. I feel like I'm going down that same road with him and it's stressing me out! I know his situation is worse, he's living with a cousin who's threatening to send him to the streets, he has no where to go and I don't want to see him like that. But I also don't want to take 10 steps back in my life, and I feel that’s what will happen if I keep giving into him. The love I once had for him is fading significantly and I'm beginning to feel used. But I'm not sure how to break this to him, I know for sure that he has suicidal tendencies and an anger issue. He’s had a very rough life and he's having a hard time now, and I don't want to stir that up within him because I do care for his inner being. Can anyone help me piece together a way to approach and break it off with him? Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks!
View related questions:
cousin, in jail, lost his job, money, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice!I realize that I've been a fool. And now that I've re-read what I wrote and have seen your responses, I know that I played the fool yet again. Thank you all for giving me the nudge I needed to move forward. I really appreciate. As CindyCares stated below, "first time shame on you. Second time, shame on me." I've been shamed 1,000 plus times and I can't be anyone's fool any longer. I know I deserve better, much better than what I've thrown away my standards for. Thank you guys again!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 May 2012):
 Funny, you strongly believe in something- and you do for years the exact opposite as long as you fancy some guy :) Ah don't we all- forgive yourself, but don't do it any more !
So you are " beginning " to feel used ? Well- better late than never ,halleluja ! Your post worries me, it sounds like you are really cruising for a financial beating. First time shame on you, second time shame on me.
Here, the smartest thing to do is something which I generally would never advise, but you sound too wek and vulnerable for another approach : take the coward way out . Disappear on him same as he disappeared on you- with no qualms. Block him, in fact change email address, change telephone no,... luckily he has not got the money to come and see you at home. Just pull a Houdini on him, soon you'll be thanking the Aunts and yourself if you follow this advice.
You don't want to see him in the streets ?, so you won't see him, eye do not see, heart does not hurt. And trust me, he's not the type to end up, or to stay in the streets for long ,he'll find some other mug-oops, pardon me- some other compassionate lady to take care of him. As for his suicide threats ... yeah. Old trick for guilt tripping people into taking responsibility for HIS mistakes, it's just Manipulation 101.
Plus, dear Op, isn't it time to grow up and act adult ? If you don't want to do the right thing for yourself, do it at lesat for your niece and your baby boy : do you think that a never-do-well mooching JAILBIRD is such a great role model for your young ones ?!
...............................
A
male
reader, hewhocorruptsinc  +, writes (8 May 2012):
After I read the fact that he contacted you after he dissappeared an immediate red flag. Dont let this man drag you down with him. He may be lying about his whereabouts and even if he isnt he has no more aspirations in life. You need find your reasons why you need him out of your life(which are obvious) and get it done. I know love hurts but everyone has to experience this and I'm sure after you'll realize what a mistake it was to let him back in your life. Find someone with a job, or better yet, someone with aspirations to work hard.
...............................
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (8 May 2012):
 Red flags everywhere with this guy. He is a LOSER! DO NOT go any further with this. Change your numbers and keep them unlisted. Don't answer the door unless you know it not him. Cut off any kind of contact avenues he could possibly pursue to get to you. He is playing you like a fiddle DONT be his sucker, you are too good for that!!! He is responsible for his own life not you. HE needs to sort his own troubles out not you. I can not stress enough that this guy is bad news. Tell him bluntly that it's over and he is not to contact you and then do what I said above with your numbers.
...............................
|
