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female
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anonymous
writes: Can anyone give any tips on coping with failed relationships?I am a 33 year old attractive and intelligent woman, who has (unfortunately) had the worst luck when it comes to relationships. I've been broken hearted more times that I care to remember.......To the point that I'm scared to even risk giving my heart to anyone anymore. I can't bear the pain of getting it broken again.I've now met a new man - he adores me to bits. But I know that deep down I am not in love with him.But yet, I am considering settling with him, as I don't feel I will fall in love again, (or at least am not optimistic on actually having a good relationship with someone I am in love with). And I know that he will never hurt me nor cheat on me.I honestly believe all the good single men out there are now taken...Could it work with this new man, if I was prepared to settle for less? At what point in life do people just get prepared to settle? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janey1  +, writes (16 June 2007):
 Hi
I feel exactly the same as you do, I am 35 yr old woman, whose partner has recently walked out after 2 yr relationship. I had huge brick wall, cos husband had also left me 4 yrs ago, after 12 yrs.
I thought I didnt really love my partner, never really showed my feelings, which is why he left, but I now realise how much I did love him. He treated me like a queen tbh, we were good together, but argued too often. Im sorry, I dont have the answers, but just try to imagine if he left you, would you be bothered? Dont settle for 2nd best if not. Life can be good on your own too!
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female
reader, Bluebell35 +, writes (1 November 2006):
I have been through similar circumstances. I have a friend who loves me to bits, we did have a brief fling, but the physical attraction was just so minimal, it could not possibly work, yet he has been my best friend in the world throughout the aftermath of my recent ended relationship with a guy that completely broke my heart. Alas, how easy life would be if it was there. The bottom line is, if the physical attraction is not there, it is unfair to have a relationship with this guy, and misleading to him, yet so easy to fall into because he is offering you 'safety' and 'security' which is what you need as a consequence of your last crappie relationship.The fairest thing you could do is be his friend. I'ld forget the other loser, take time out to heal your wounds, love yourself and reuild your self-esteem before contemplating another relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): Ok so you are attractive and clever and had a perfect chilhood and great self esteem, you just happen to like losers and do not have any of those loving feelings towards your good man present boyfriend and you took two months off to try to figure out what went wrong with your old relationships.
Maybe the fact that you are taking the attitude that you will avoid the kind of men who hurt you and avoid any men with the same traits as the losers by dating a man who is completely opposite....is the wrong approach. Stop focusing on what went WRONG and enter into reationships with an attitude of fear and pushing men away who might otherwise love you. Look for what was working, what was right if only I could find a guy like that who is also willing to love me back....then I might have something!
Maybe this strategy is not working for you? No, do not take a random approach to dating and finding your soul mate, don't wait to see if a completely different type of man will finally make you happy.
You and only you are in control of your own destiny, don't allow fleeting emotions to rule your heart and your mind because they are intricately connected. Figure out what does work for you, what do YOU want in a mate and in a relationship, and go about helping the other person to give that to you, by telling him what YOU want and how to love you, and then you will have a viable working relationship. If your current boyfriend does not have any qualitities that you value, then do him a favor and yourself and break up with him so the two of you can move on and find a happy relationship elsewhere.
But if you yourself do not know what it is you are looking for then it is not fair to any of the men you are involved with because they certainly don't know either.
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female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (31 October 2006):
 I gez if love is not there by now it is not so leave him. and I also think maybe two mths break was too little take some time off it will help u not to fall on this trap again, all of us deserve to be happy regardless of bad choices we made in our past. someone once said what doesnt kill u make u stronger.
Start from scratch just go out on simple dates without looking for anything except friendship it will help u a lot in learning personalities and it will kill this negative energy u are carrying around otherwise u wont notice a good man when he says hello to u.
Dont be pressured by age there is someone for you out there but u wont see him if u get in a wrong relationship because a guy is available to u lets face it u are not emotionally available at all.
Stop closing yourself and be true to yourself like I said b4 u are the only one with the keys to your happiness so stop feeling like a failure and hold ur chin up the night is still young. Hope this helps
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi AllThanks for all your responses.I guess I just don't know what I feel for my current bf. I have known him for 3 years - he was always in love with me, but I was never interested! I just kept on dating loser after loser...falling hopelessly in love with heartbreakers.But then...I got broken hearted with an ex- for the last time. The pain was too much. I then took a break from all men, as I wanted to figure out what I was doing wrong with my past choices...I spent 2 months of no dates (and turning all attractive men down - fear of going down the same road again!), and then this "old friend" contacts me. And that's when I thought "why not?"...and have since started a relationship with him, knowing that he was already in love with me and devoted to me. I felt safe with him.2 months into this new relationship, and my ex gets in touch. And then all the old feelings come back.I'm now confused. Because if I still feel that "in love" feeling for my ex, then it means I am not in love with my current, good man.But, due to circumstances (ex is now abroad due to ill health)...I don't believe I can have a viable relationship with my ex.However this episode has highlighted that maybe I got together with current man because I was feeling low and lonely (and disillusioned with all men).And now I feel that I am not in love with him. Whilst i know he treats me well, I don't see us as equals (which is an awful thing to say....but I feel like the clever one in the relationship).Doesn't it matter if you are not in love with that person, to make a relationship work? How long do I give to know that?Thanks again XXX
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female
reader, Jovial +, writes (31 October 2006):
I am sorry that u had it so bad in your past but the question is do you want your past to over shadow your present as well as your future? I h’ been there I lived and breathed what u are talking about so Im not going to give u theory but a real thing.
Don’t be so vulnerable and allow bad experience to cloud your judgment. You are an intelligent grown woman, a woman of strength who can survive anything yet you cant see a good thing in front of you, because you are busy comparing relationships, people are not the same so are relationships, the pain might be related but its never the same. Stop living in your past and live in your present ever heard the saying life is the best teacher? So you were not a victim but a student. Now its time to apply everything u learned in the past to ur present life and all the mistakes you made can never be repeated.
Everyone might say what they think is right for you but you are the one holding the keys to your happiness, you were hurt before so what? Who said life is fair? But it goes on, the longer you shut yourself in that bottle the more the lid is getting tighter and tighter that you will start suffocating and ur rescuer will have to break the bottle and that is the most painful experience as u will regret why u didn’t come out while u still can because life has passed you by.
Lets say you are right when u say all the good single guys are taken but u took one as well so why do you care?
Sister I say take your life back and enjoy the ride I was gonna say bcos u deserve better but u have the best. Make no mistake because if this man realizes you are just stringing him along bcos u cant make up ur mind or cant let go of ur past he will leave you, as he doesn’t sound like a player remember he deserve better. Don’t worry about falling inlove just let yourself be and you will love like u neva bin hurt. Good luck
listen to italie
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female
reader, Italie +, writes (31 October 2006):
 Hi. I was married to the type of man you are now with and thought I could do better. I left, hurting him really badly, and found someone who was what I wanted, attractive, funny, popular, more exciting, someone who gave me the passionate butterfly feelings in my stomach......... biggest mistake of my life. Now I'd give anything to have back what I had. You are lucky to have found him. You really should go for it.
I hope it all works out well for you
xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): you said you are attractive and intelligent ... bravo welcome to my world ..
so i guess we are attracted to men who are labelled as 'losers' .. not because we have bad childhood trauma, not because we are troubled women, not because we have low self esteem, not because we are stupid, I THINK and I KNOW it's because we like the challenge, we like action, we are strong enough to face the worst of the worst, we want realities not fantasies like 'cinderella' 'and they live happily ever after', OR MAYBE they're right we are stupid OR MAYBE NOT we are smart and intelligent ... i'd say bad things happen to good (may i add attractive and intelligent) people... and never judge anyone ...cheers ..
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): Hi there, good advice below, wanted to add something.
If you have a track record with chosing men who are real poor boyfriend material, your biggest red flag when dating a new man is surprise; THE STRONG ATTRACTION you feel.
You have some inner need to make an emotionally unavailable man fall in love with you and you are so attracted to him because you so strongly need his approval.
This often stems from unmet childhood emotional needs, perhaps one of your parents was either alcoholic, abusive emotionally to you, absent or just plain too self absorbed to give you the love and adoration you deserved as small girl...even if it wan unintentional on their part, it left a hole in you.
You may want to consider some counseling to help heal those wounds, and have a better self esteem, perhaps you are growing towards a positive self esteem and that is why you attracted a better person in this guy.
Just try to stay open to love, don't take an attitude of fear of being with the wrong guy because your sense of attraction is not at the intense level it has been previously, if you like him and enjoy him, love and attraction will grown out of your mutual respect and friendship...so give it a chance and you may be surprised at what you have truly over looked in the past with relationships and men.
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female
reader, Lemonpixie  +, writes (31 October 2006):
 Irish pretty much said it you said all the good single men are gone yet it seems a nice guy is right there in front of you. Most women tend to attract the same type of guy unfortunately you attract and are attracted to cheaters, scammers, liars and the like.... a lot of the time it runs in the family, sisters, your mom they all most likely attract these types too...
That doesnt mean your destined to be with these guys if you know how to break the pattern. I suggest giving this guy a chance... you may be pleasantly suprised. If you continue to not be attracted he just may not be the guy for you... but steer clear from the guys you may normally find attractive. There are a lot of hot attractive guys out there who are shy and may want to ask you out but never get the nerve maybe find some initiative and go up to them at the next chance you get. And don't confuse confidence with cockiness!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): Goodness gracious, you say this new man will never cheat on you, he will never hurt you, and he adores you to bits. Sheesh! You aren't settling for less, hun! Are you so blind that you can't see the very qualities in this man that could possibly, give you a happy future. You don't even realize it but you are actually, moving up a step. It could work so wonderfully well with this new man, only if you can take on a renewed change of outlook and attitude toward relationships, on your part. You need to really see the qualities in him, that all your other partners sadly lacked. He's likely compassionate and treats you like a queen. You deserve that, don't you? Sure you do. Sadly, a real good, quality man who is nice, polite and treats women with respect, is very often not appreciated by women.
Hmm..do you think this may be you? We know that up to now, the qualities you are looking for in a man has failed you miserably. It appears judging by your past choices in men, you likely have have a fatal attraction to the wrong kind of man.
In my opinion, women nowadays are really messed up about what exactly a good, healthy relationship should encompass. Women want this strong, independent, take charge sort of guy! They want a guy who makes them feel loved, protected and cared for. The problem is...women mistake a demanding, controlling, selfish man for that their 'dream guy'. Or women like the handsome, sociable, party type of guy. Yeah, but he's also a player! So if you are drawn to these character types you may need to really learn what it is about 'you' that keeps you in toxic relationships or you are never going to be able to break the cycle.
Sometimes the pattern of loser men like you have had, could indicate a flaw in your personality for choosing a loser guy, in the first place. Low self-esteem and a crappy positive self-image on the part of the woman. is usually the common thread here. So to get out of this rut, a woman has to work on herself and come to grips with who she really is as an individual. A woman should sit and scrutinize, assess, tear apart each detail of what went wrong in her past relationships and look at the role she played at what went wrong and why she settled for men who took her down. Take a look inside yourself and see that you deserve a great guy. Just because you aren't experiencing blind love and lust for this new man..is not an indicator he's not for you. A true lifelong love takes time to get established, and well seasoned and settled in. Be patient, you'll get there with this new guy. Just keep your mind open to the endless possibilities of what could happen. Take your time- you may be glad you did, in the end! Good luck, hun.
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