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female
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anonymous
writes: I am married, but am no longer in love with my husband, i have developed feelings for a friend of mine, who is also married, although more happily than me, we spend quite a bit of time together, he is my training partner in the martial arts that we do, and when we are together he sometimes does things that make me belive that he wants to be more than friends, but then there are times when i feel he doesn't, we have known each other 2 years and have been friends 1 year, there was one day before we started our session at training we were play fighting and he threw me on the floor, i was winded so i stayed there for a minute and then i felt him lay down next to me, not quite touching me but close enough so i could feel him there.there are hundreds of little incidents like that one,and one of my friends has told me that we behave like a couple when we are together. although we don't mean to, i want to tell him how i feel, but am afraid that if i do and he doesn't feel the same i will lose his friendship for good, my question is what signs should i be looking for to tell if he wants more than friendship. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): If you haven't already acted upon this question right now, my advice to you is to avoid doing anything rash or extreme. Affairs are complicated, emotionally and mentally. People end up getting hurt in the end, and a loss of dignity is almost always inevitable.
Instead of asking this man how he feels about you, stop spending time with him and start asking yourself how you feel about yourself. Yup, yourself. Not your husband. Not this man. Often what we feel is lacking in our life is not about what others give us, but what we neglect to give to ourselves. If you expect your husband to constantly keep you excited, happy, challenged, engaged and feeling vital then you're not really being fair to yourself. Of course relationships must be loving and satisfying, but much of the happiness you seek has to come from within, and no man...your husband or your friend can constantly keep you feeling exhilirated. Think about it. Life has so many ups and downs, twists and turns. It's unpredictable and people change. Not to mention, you don't know this man very well. You have no emotional intimacy, you just find him attractive. Work on building greater intimacy withing yourself first, then with your husband. Then if you are still unhappy you can end your marriage. But think carefully about this...because in the end, a new love affair will fizzle and fade into mature love and you'll be back at the same point again. Have some respect for this man's wife too. She is his wife, and he is commited to her whether you like it or not. Imagine your husband having an affair with a gorgeous friend of his. How would that affect your self-esteem? How would that affect your heart? Your state of mind. Be smart. Consider the consequences and realize that attraction is natural, tempation is natural and use it as a sign that you're not paying attention to something in your life...and it's not this man.
A
female
reader, cop lover  +, writes (27 July 2007):
Having faced the same situation, i feel i can give a fair answer to your question. Regardless of how this other man feels you need to deal with your husband and marriage first. If you feel you could be with someone else then obviously your marriage is over and as such you should do the respectful thing and finish your marriage with your head held high. When i mentioned that i was moving out from my husband my other man encouraged me (fair indication i'd say) and told me he'd help. I said no thanks. Its something i needed to do myself. After 2 weeks my other man worked up the courage and left his wife also with his head held high. All of us had our trust intact, i now after 2 months have started dating my other man and its wonderful, we trust each other completly as we both finished our other relationships first, as hard and painful as the whole mess has been i still have a good relationship with my kids father that is not volatile and angry. Yes he was hurt but his trust was not broken and that is important, time will heal all wounds or so they say and in the mean time i can communicate with my kids father effectivly to keep my three precious cherubs from suffering more than need be. I hope this helps. Do the honourable thing and you will be rewarded.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): I feel you should not go down that road in looking more than friendship, especially since is is married and should be committed to his wife. Even if it goes through more than friendship you will be the one hurt in the end.
He will be playing along with you and his wife, telling you that he loves you then telling his wife the same, in the end if the affair is found out (ie eventually his wife will be getting suspicious, in his change of manner and actions) You'll be the one who comes out not feeling self-worthy about your self.
If he truly respects you as a woman he will just want to remain as friends, full stop....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2006): Keep your feelings to yourself. All you will be doing is opening up a can of worms. First of all, you know exactly what you are doing! When you starteed having feelings for this man, it was time for a new martial Arts partner. You are not interested in Martial Arts! You are interested in kicking it with him! So, stop the pity role, grow up & be a lady!
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A
female
reader, Cleo  +, writes (31 October 2006):
Your problem is not how you feel about your martial arts friend but how you feel about your husband.
You need to get your feelings for your husband sorted out first. If you don;t want to be with him then you need to have the courage to move on.
Don't put your friend in a difficult position whatever his answer the outcome is bad. If he is not interested you may have lost a friendship and some self-respect. If he is interested then you have crossed the line, an affair may begin and disaster will strike.
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A
female
reader, shania +, writes (31 October 2006):
 I would of thought that after 2 years or so,your friend would of made a move on you,but he hasn't.Yes,he probably might find you attractive but he's married and he knows it,also he knows his boundaries and doesn't want to risk his marriage.I think you shouldn't tell him how you feel and look at your what you have got at home.If you dont love your husband anymore then you should end it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): agree with prev answer... QUIT it and don't even think about it... you have no rights to be looking for signs. don't break someone else's marriage just because you're not happy with yours. .. he is MARRIED ( think of his wife and children and that's the biggest sign you have ) leave him alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): Oh for heavens sake! You're married - whether you still love your husband or not. This man is also married. You want to betray your husband by cheating, and encourage him to do the same?
You should not be looking for "signs" and you have no business whatsoever telling him how you feel.
Put your efforts back into your marriage and give up this "friend."
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