A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I often read amongst the answers that an affair can make a marriage stronger. Is this true or just the hurt parties way of saving face. i.e its been so painful i must make out its been worth it.Question can an affair strengthen your marriage?
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Those marriage experts or counselors are divided into two camps.
It is up to you to believe which ever is right.
There is no rights or wrongs because each case is different.
In some , it does strengthened the marriage while in some ,it broke up.
There are many factors involved and it is pointless to argue who is right or wrong.
Whatever you believed is your right.
To each his own opinions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): I agree with the people who have said that it can, but only indirectly by making both parties realize the problems with the marriage and forcing them to communicate and fix the problems. However, this scenario is probably in the minority. It is more likely going to finalize the destruction of an already bad marriage. If there are problems in a marriage that are leading one of the parties to an affair, then the marriage is probably doomed to failure anyway. It will just take longer without the affair.
I can imagine that there have been rare cases where an affair can be helpful in a case where both parties know it is coming and sort of agree to allow it to happen. There are instances where this might happen, but as I said, they would be very rare.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 No I don't think it usually makes a marriage but once in awhile someone will stray, and suddenly have an epiphany at the thought of losing their spouse, so they break it off before their partner ever figures it out. Afterwards, if the offending spouse begins to make changes in the marriage being more attentive and loving it can strengthen the bond. But if you find out about an affair and it is ended simply because they were caught. It will probably never work out in the long run. Because once the truth is exposed, it is much harder to deal with and when a mate ends an affair by being forced, you know their heart was not ready to let go. Try counseling. Maybe it will help you both heal.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): No an affair does not make a marriage stronger. In reality the guilty party usually comes back with a list of excuses as to why they had the affair. The hurt party then starts to believe its their fault. In the long run the guilty party gets off the hook and champions 'they are stronger than ever'. The hurt party is unaware they have been played and also believes they are stronger than ever, but they have been forced to change their behaviour to suit their partner, just because they had an affair.The message 'if i don't get my own way i will have an affair'.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): Its BULL. The argument is devised to make all the pain and hurt sound worth it. Its bigging it up for the outside world.Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): An affair does not strengthen a marriage it exposes the truth about the marriage and the areas of distruction needing to be repaired. So it is not the affair is is the exposure of an affair which has the 'potential' to tackle some pretty serious problems a couple are having or dealing with.
If the person who chose to be a dishonest partner, has the courage to face the reality of the damage they cause, are honest and truthful and have no other unspoken demons they need to share to the destroyed partner, and are willing to show by actions and honest compassion that they are no longer a risk, then their character by default is stonger and better.
If the innocent party can feel, experiance and have faith that the bad person they are now connected to is safe, being now honest and working hard to heal their wounds, then the innocent party can start to discover their areas of weakness, need and desires for the future. If that happens then their character is by default stronger and better.
You now have two hopefully new people. A new relationship and new hopes and dreams. If the above doesn't happen and people still hide away those deep dark secrets, then nothing changes about the relationship, just the people are now different.
Can an affair make your marriage stronger? All it does is change your life forever. How it ends up will depend on how much we are prepared to take and give, unconditionally.
If that is abused, then it destroys not only the marriage but the spirit of someone who once mattered.
For some that seem a risk worth taking. I am just glad I will never be a person who would want to take that risk.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): I think it depends on your point of view and what you want to accomplish. If you and your wife are committed to saving your marriage and fixing the problems that were there that lead to the affair then definitely. I am sure a lot of people who have either never been through one or are bitter because they were never able to forgive will disagree with this, but from my experience it is true. It took a lot of work, time, prayer, and consoling but I am happier now then I was before and I believe she is too. Do not get me wrong, it was hard and would have been a lot easier to fix before hand, but it can happen. Just make sure she is 100% committed to making this work and so are you. If you still love each other the trust will come back in time. I warn you though, you will never forget what happened but the hurt and pain will go away. Take care and the best to you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 In a nutshell...NO
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): No i think its what you call an urban myth :-)
An affair damages trust and once thats damaged youre never truly the same again. So if your thinking of having one think again.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (19 March 2008):
 Definetely NOT!
Where did you read it? In Playboy or Esquire? Thats BULL! Don't listen. Just be yourself and don't look for problems!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): I dont see how an affair can ever strengthen a marriage. How can you live and be married to someone who you know has slept with someone else? I tears you apart. My first husband did it to me three times, all of which came to light after we got divorced. BUT I had my suspicions at the time, but darent say anything because i was a battered wife at the time. I wish he had ran off with them at the time. If i had loved him and things were 'normal' then i know my heart would of broke and it wouldnt of been mended. No, i dont see how that could strengthen a marriage. It will be interesting to see how the other aunts answer this one.
take care
xx
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