A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 31 years old and dating this girl (27 3rd year surgical residency) which I absolutely love we are both very sexual beings. The problem is that we have different views on sexuality, even though she says that we don't. I have only had one sexual partner before her (my ex), she has twice lied as the number of partners and circumstances because she feels ashamed. She so far has stated that with four ex boyfriends she has had sex, as well as with her best male friend (twice), she has a friendly relationship with all of her ex boyfriends and thus far she says she has moved on, but still I can't help it being in the same room with one of her ex's and feel that I want to tear their hearts out, because they have part of her that should only belong to me.I view sexuality as a way of communicating with that person that you love and exclusivity is a big part of it, I mean how many times can a person (male or female) give themselves entirely to a person? I feel Like I have been cheated. She has already given herself to people in her past which she still loves them as friends. How much of her soul, body, and mind can she really give to me? all of herself or just the parts that are left?I am going crazy because I do not want to harm her with my words, I do not want to make her feel like an easy woman or a slut. So for me is difficult to talk to her, even though I never asked her about her past, she is the one that told me all of this even though I asked her not to, but still she did because she wanted me to know her past because it is part of who she is.What makes me more crazy is that she does not regret any of her relationships, making me feel like I am another and not the one and only. I've always wanted to find a woman to love and marry, giving myself entirely to that person for eternity, being truly partners in life, but I feel I can't achieve this with her. I know she will have her memories of her first time and look fondly on those memories and being in the same room with that guy just makes me feel that I cannot compete with that. I don't want her remembering those encounters, because those types of encounters should be exclusive to the person you are with or love.Can a woman give herself completely with all of this baggage to a new love and still have a friendly relationship with her old loves??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2011): Please let me clarify, now that I have had time and pondered on my feelings and thoughts:I am not a doctor she isI did not ask her to tell me I asked her quite the contrary, that is, for her not to tell me, and if I don't want her to feel like a slut is because I do not think of her that way at all, quite the contrary I see her as a pure being because she is a beautiful soul, her intentions are always good.I meant baggage as an emotional baggage, good or bad it is the same, but I'd rather they are good instead of having traumatic experiences that would prevent her from trusting men. I do not ask that she doesn't have any experience, after all her past is what makes her who she is, that is the woman I choose to love and want to love for the rest of my life, and just like I give her her place as my life partner which I hope this will be the case and want to do everything in my power to achieve this, and are even considering accepting this feeling of displacement, or accepting her not loving me the way I do, which I am not saying she does not, I just do not know, but for now I do want her to give me what I give her.I don't worry about her past but our future, this is why I ask this question, If you look fondly in to your sexual relationships in the past, simply with holds you from enjoying fully (not 99% but 100%) your present lover because you have other memories in your mind that with hold you from experiencing a total surrender, since sexuality is a big part of a relationship, like your thoughts and commitment. Now this is my way of thinking that I may be wrong, that is something that give myself the benefit of the doubt. But still if it is insecurity then so be it, it is something that I would gladly change.It is not a double standard because I do not require her to be without ex lovers, I just want her to be with me before them, and after them. If I can give this to her why can't she? I do not want her to regret her decisions unless they were wrong and only she and god knows that, after all you do not grow as a person unless you acknowledge your mistakes, and try to correct and make better choices, I do want her to make me feel like I make her feel, like she is the only one and there can't be no other, and that does not come from regretting her actions but wanting to be eternally for someone. The way I see it and I am going to try to make an analogy: If you would buy tickets for the theatre and went and enjoyed yourself, but then uou learn of a much better play and would have prefered buying thos tieckets instead, you do not regret going to the play but you realize that youd rather have gone to see the other play instead. Is this wrong?It is not like I regret my past, but I would have preferred her being my first and only because I believe she deserves that and much more. What happened in the past should be in the past and should not hang around, I know past can't change but my desire does, and it did, since I met her. which makes her so much more special for me. If I can do this why can't her. Even though I did care, had fun and enjoyed my sexual past, this does not mean that I do not wish for me to have met her before, because she is so much more special. Men to the contrary of women have a natural tendency to "posess" our partners, and this is natural because men like animals "mark" their partners, and this is not psychological only but physical, as well, it is the process of passing ones genes, that is why even many mamals mark their partners with semen, to secure the passing of our genes to the next generation. I know that we are more than instinct, but instinct also plays a large role in the natural process of life, one which we can not ignore. This is why men strive and evolve, this is why we dare venture and create, because of survival, and intelligence is just a tool to achieve this and thus become the dominant species, if a species does not ensure the passing of genes then there is no way to survive, simply because there is no reproduction. Men also has passion, and many times we ignore the natural order because of this passions but in the long run is counterproductive. ¿Don't believe me? Just look at the world as it is today, because of our passions and our creativity to fulfill those passions we are destroying this planet and ourselves.That said, I myself have witnessed not once but many times, how my friends tell me, how they had "possessed" that or this woman and make fun of their current lovers, this is why many men like and enjoy being the first lovers, just so that the women will never forget them, men are competitive this way, it is a sad fact of life, but none the less true, this is why men collect women in their "black books" and this is also why men objectify women.For me love is much more, Do I want to be the only one? Of course who that does not truly love wouldn't want that? After all, don't you want to be EVERYTHING that can be for that person? So why shouldn't you want that person to be everything for you? Something less is not loving at all. My love for her would never depend on her lovers or past but on the person that she is. I've never judged her and would not do so, the circumstances of all of our lives makes each of us unique, and only knowing those circumstances could you emit some type of judgement, but never about hte worth of a person, it does not matter it it is a killer or rapist, you never know why or what made them make those choices. So no I do not judge and she has only received from me support and she will always will if I can fill that she gives me the same importance I give her, this sadly is something that our relationship does depend on for now, after all who wants to be less to a person than that person is to you?She is the only one that I truly love or have loved, like she so many times has told me that it is the same for her.I just don't want to feel like another guy but the one, and I know I make her feel like she is the one and only, because she has told me so many times she loves the way I make her feel. Before she met me she did not want to marry or have kids because of her career, now she does, and she says it is because of me, I know I sound like I am answering myself and these should be enough to make me realize that I am the one, but, using her own words, the difference between me and her ex's is that it just did not work out with them, so i deduct that I am the next one and no different and what may make the relationship different is that it might work, but it does not make me any different or special, just a good maybe that she might settle with.My ex made me feel this way even though I did not love her as a lover, and she also had more experience that me but that did not matter at all because she made me feel completely unique and the one and only, and I will always regret that I broke her heart but I did not love her like a lover, and I realized that once we were in the relationship but it was to late for her, because she had already given her self to me completely which I don't feel with my girlfriend.I do not want to wake up in the future and know like many stories of successful couples and happy couples, that they really never married the love of their lives, just settled for the next best thing, and for these couples these has been enough, but for me is not enough, I do want and long to be with the love of my Life and I also want me to be hers, also like many other examples of successful couples that are not only just happy but excrutiating happy together, just like my parents, sadly I can't ask them because of their circumstances, which are completely different from mine.I hope this clarifies, and I want female opinions but with the same depth not just an egoist view or settling view. I have not married and for me marriage can only come once, and this point of view is way deeper philosophical and takes a long time to explain, I do not believe in divorce at all, please I beg you take this in to account.Just a few last things from the responses I got which will clarify things further:1.- 'I can tell you that my husband got no worse a deal than my first lover :-)' I do not want a no worse but the deal, i do not have to be the first just be the only one in her mind and soul2.- 'Of course she can. Otherwise no widow or divorced woman could ever have a happy second marriage'I am not looking to be second but rather the choice that she would have made without any regret at all, widows miss their husbands and most divorced women and widows (men and female) want a second chance which is valid but most times will love more their past lovers, this is something that I do not want because for me, my girlfriend is everything there can she IS THE OPPORTUNITY not the second OPPORTUNITY3.-"life experience gained while waiting for the one " and give herself fully and sicerely to a new love.'This is what I want, but she tells me that things didn't work out and that is why she is not with them, but this does not mean at all that I am the one, just the guy that things could work out with, it makes me the next or the "keeper" but not the one. I dont' want to be 'a new love' but THE love.4.-'because with your ideas about the sacrality of sex and waiting for "the one ", well, then your ex must have been very very important to you, must have felt like the real thing'It did feel like the real thing because she is a very special girl with a heart of gold and a way of thinking that was what I was looking for, and longed to truly love her so much, but I did not, there was no chemistry, I did love her a lot but I knew that It wasn't a love that you would have for a lover, but for a friend, I did try though.5.- 'I have wanted my husband to have been my first, because he deserves it'This is what I want just this, I would never ask her to change her past she is a beautiful being because of her past, but what you want for your husband is what I want for myselfWhat should I do? Should I ask her? I really do not want to make her feel bad and get the wrong idea, she is insecure that way and she should not feel badthanks a lot for your time
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): Aren't there any responses to the research I pointed out? A lot of people wanted to talk about this subject before that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): I am the male anon who posted the controversial comment on May 26. I have tried to post up a link to the research I referred to. But that second comment did not appear here for some reason. I don't know if the moderators deleted it or not.
If you want to find the research, just search things like "sexual partner divorce risk"
Some of the researchers have the last names "Teachman" and "Sweeney"
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): The answer is "yes.". I would venture to say that perhaps she is more ready to give herself utterly to one person. She has had some experiences that have helped her to u derstand who she is, and what she wants out of life. Someone with less or nO experience may be committing in ignorance of themselves to some degree. They may grow curious in later years of what different people may be like, what SHE might be like with different people, different situations. That person with little to no experience may truly be in love, but may have a harder time completely giving themselves to another, as there may be apexes of themselves they have not explored and of which the MAY (or may not, depending on the person) be curious. That unsatisfied urge to explore one's own idenitiy and sexuality might easily create some space between partners, somewhat eroding ones ability to wholly give of themselves.Just the personal opinion of a man, a very hapily married man, who's spouse had had 40+ partners when we met
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 you asked:
"Can a woman give herself completely with all of this baggage to a new love and still have a friendly relationship with her old loves??"
and at least for me the answer is yes.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Right.. and as we always learned, trust no "statistics" that are given without any proper research. There is no research in your post, male anon, just your statement. Hence, it is not valid, and should by no means be taken seriously.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): The more previous sex partners a person has had, the worse the odds of their marriages lasting 5 years.
Nobody wants to believe this. But the statistical data is very clear. There are no extenuating factors to excuse the results. The effect is present even at low numbers of partners. The effect is much stronger for women than men.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 May 2011):
Why are you so eager to learn the number of partners she has had? I don't think it is healthy that you try to dig into it. Clearly you will not be ok with the answer, and no one really wants to know every detail about their partners sexual past. So try to think twice about why you care so much to know the details, whom and where. Will it benefit you to know, or will it do you damage?
From what I've seen, especially here on dearcupid, but also my personal experience, is that no one wants to know the details. It only burns images into your mind and messes you up.
"I can't help it being in the same room with one of her ex's and feel that I want to tear their hearts out, because they have part of her that should only belong to me."
Keep digging for more info and you definitely will have more of this tormenting you. You shouldn't have ever asked to begin with. So do yourself a favour, don't ask for more.
She doesn't regret her relationships, well why should she? She isn't a person who feels the need to have only one partner in her lifetime. Do you regret your sexual past? And what if you and this woman break-up, will you regret having been with her? If so, how can you live your life without regrets? By not having sex with her? If so.. why are you?
Her not having regrets shows a healthy mind-set and a balanced person who deals with life in a rational way. It bears no significance on the way she views you. You are the one who view yourself as less, not her. You. You have low self esteem.
"I've always wanted to find a woman to love and marry, giving myself entirely to that person for eternity, being truly partners in life, but I feel I can't achieve this with her."
You can't achieve this with anyone, because now you've already had two sexual partners yourself. If you find a new woman, she will be number 3. You can count, you know this as well as I do. If you find a woman who hasn't had any previous partners, and feels the way you felt before (as by now this is just hypocritical) she will not want you, because she wouldn't want to feel less since you've already had two partners.... So, that ship has sailed.
"Can a woman give herself completely with all of this baggage to a new love and still have a friendly relationship with her old loves??"
It's not baggage any more than your own love life is a baggage. It is life experience, and her life experience has left her embracing life, and able to give new love to a new partner, and still be friendly with those of her past. It is a good ability that she has. You try to turn that into something negative. Yes, she can give herself completely. My question is, can you?
I think you need to take an extra look at yourself in the mirror, because your problems lie with you, and not with her. You are the one carrying all this insecurity, and you pass it on to her, blaming her for your insecurity. But it is not her fault that you don't believe in your own worth, or that you think so low of yourself, or that you compare yourself with her ex's. It is not her fault that you are being a hypocrite, wanting her to never have had a sexual past, while you can have one, all the same you chose to be her boyfriend KNOWING she was no virgin. It is not her fault that she is herself. You must chose if you accept her for who she is, or not. If you don't then walk away and leave her alone, because she doesn't deserve to be blamed for living the life she wanted.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Dear friend, My answer will be short and sweet......The fact that she's willing to talk to you about her past means that she loves you and respect you. So she just want to start clean and fresh with you. You should be happy that she's honest. She trust you and she feels comfortable with you...About her past? You asked once, she answered you and that should be the end of it... It was the past!!! She didn't know you!!! Some people end relationship and never talk again. Some, keep friends... People are different, have different ideas, opinions, etc...I am 37 years old and so far I've been with 2 men, 1st one I thought I was in love, realize wasn't until I met my 2nd boyfriend. So, I understand why you have all these questions, why you feel this way and all... But, remember that we're all different people, not because you both don't agree sometimes, doesn't mean you and your girlfriend are right or wrong?Just love each other, enjoy your time with your girlfriend and make the most of it. You said you really love her? My opinion, she loves you too... So why waste your time and energy thinking about unnecessary facts? Its all in your head.. If you keep being this way, I am afraid you might loose her and something special!!Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): It worries me that you are a doctor and have these views. To be honest, they are very prejudiced, irrationally jealous, and more than a little bit sexist. At a personal level, they suggest a distrust of your girlfriend that she has done absolutely nothing to deserve. Your girlfriend is every bit as much 'yours' as she would be if she were a virgin. In fact, MORE SO because she's got points of comparison, and instead of choosing to be with other people, she has made an active and informed choice to be with you. Think about that for a second. You should feel lucky that an intelligent, skilled, amazing, sexual woman has chosen to be with you. Just because she has taken a civilized path through breakups, and remains on reasonable terms with her exes does not mean that she wants to be with them. It means that she's a big person, who is able to move on without lingering resentment or malice. She has no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed of her past, or to regret those relationships. It worries me that you think her very normal number of relationships excessive and worthy of shame. You seem to think that people are born perfect and gradually become less so as they get older. So a second relationship can only ever be less than a first relationship, because there are only piece of the person left. Trust me, that is completely untrue, to the point that I wonder if you have seen much of the world. As you get older, you will realize that life gets more complex and also richer. We grow, we learn about ourselves, we discover new people, new things, new preferences. Far from there being less and less of us, there is more and more of us, as we add new experiences, new skills, new commitments, new complexities to our sense of life. This is why so many people have successful second marriages, but crap first ones. Open your mind and your heart to this woman, who is offering you a huge gift in her love. And get some therapy for that bad case of retroactive jealousy.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Of course she can. Otherwise no widow or divorced woman could ever have a happy second marriage. And only virgins could ever hope to have committed, loving, lasting relationships , all the others would be deemed to have their relationships forever tainted by their past.
The end of a relationship is like a death- something existed, now-pouf ! ,it's gone, it does not exist any more. Only, since we are not in 19th century India, the survivor does not need to throw herself into the burial fire and turn into ashes. She can move on, file her previous relationship(s) under the voice "life experience gained while waiting for the one " and give herself fully and sicerely to a new love.
As for wanting her "whole " body, heart and soul - what about you ?. You aren't whole either for her, in case she wanted the same. You have an ex whom you loved. Yours was only one, er exes were four- it does not sound such a relevant difference to me, - maybe you just have been luckier in finding the right person faster. In fact, I'd say your case is worse and your gf would have much much more to worry than you, because with your ideas about the sacrality of sex and waiting for "the one ", well, then your ex must have been very very important to you, must have felt like the real thing !, your gf would be much more justified to worry about your ex still being in your heart, than you about four superficial, half-hearted experiences.
As for her remaining friends with her exes, I must say that either she is really a lovely girl capable of deep understanding and forgiveness, or maybe she is a tad insecure and gets a little ego boost from keeping them around .
I understand that this may feel awkward to you and maybe this is something you should talk to her about, and explain her that you don't wish to socialize as a couple with all her exes unless it's absolutely necessary (like, you are invited to the same wedding etc. ) But , don 't feel threatened,most women are not so romantic and starry -eyed as you make them, most of them do NOT remember their first lover with any special emotion or tenderness, - he is simply "it seemed a good idea at that time ".
If you find yourself ,though, struggling too often with retroactive jealousy, please either leave her right now, or solve the issue ( counseling, therapy,... whatever it takes ) BEFORE your relationship gets more serious and most of all before you get married.
I said it a few times already on DC , and I'll say it again. It's deceiptful and DESPICABLE hiding retroactive jelousy issues at the beginning of a relationship, only because you are anxious to get the girl and seal the deal-
but then spend the next 10,20, more years mistrusting and humiliating her because of mistakes she made before you were even on the scene :
say what you mean, and mean what you say NOW .
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 May 2011):
 what in the world makes you feel so high and mighty that you can have had sex with your ex, but she wasn't allowed to do the same? you admit that you've been with someone before her, so she's not your one and only either. seems like a double stardard to me. what's the difference between her having had sex with five men and you having had sex with one woman? either way, neither of you are virgins anyway. and let me be the first to break it to you. if she's 27 and only been with five men, i'd say you're extremely lucky to have such a catch. and the truth about her lying about her number of partners? if she's lying to you, it's because she can sense you casting judgement upon her, therefore in hopes of not running you off, she feels compelled to lie. you're making it clear to her that you're disgusted by her sexual past, so she feels she must not come clean about it. it's that simple.listen to me. she has absolutely NOTHING to regret about her sexual history. and don't make the mistake of accidentally insulting her about it. there's plenty of self-respecting women out there who have had ten times as many sexual partners at her age, and deserve loving relationships just the same. she's loved other men before you, and she expressed her love and had sex with them. then they broke up. it happens ALL the time, as you should well know from first-hand experience, since you've got an ex who you had sex with. just because they are still in her life doesn't make the sex with you any less fulfilling and emotionally satisfying. sounds to me that the problem here isn't her at all, but you and your insecurity. stop worrying about her insignificant sexual history, and worry about your new relationship together, or you soon too may just be a friendly ex just like the other guys.
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