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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am one of the rare mistresses who gets her married man in the end.He divorced his wife, sold the home, split assets. All the kids are grown and out of the house.And now we are together legitimately. I can walk on the street with him holding his hand. His family knows about us. No more hiding. Or secrets. We actually have a life together, and a future.But why can't I be HAPPY? Why is it that one day I am happy and the next my wall is back up? It is constant and unrelenting. I can never feel safe and secure long enough to be happy.His relationship with his wife was not working when I came along. Sometimes people stay married for convenience without realizing that they just settled for their spouse. Or sometimes things change during the course of a marriage and people grow apart. And then another person comes along that opens their eyes to the fact they were just on automatic pilot in their marriage. It happens. Does it make us both bad people? I know he should not have cheated. That was wrong. I know I should not have cheated. That was wrong. But we are both taking responsibility for our actions. He left his marriage. He made that choice. And we are heading into couple's therapy because even though he seems to trust me implicitly, I cannot seem to trust him. Things go well and then something happens to set me off. For example, if he takes too long to text me back during the day, I jump to all the wrong conclusions and we get into an argument. He says I push him away but I push him away because he cheated on his wife. And I worry he will do it to me. I cannot find any peace here. Every little sign becomes a sign he is cheating, even if he isn't. But my mind becomes convinced he is and I can't seem to let it go. I am trying so very hard. I do love him. That is not the issue. I am really struggling with my demons. I fear I will never be able to trust him. I know all cheaters don't do it again but I just don't feel SAFE with him and that is painful. To always feel like one foot is in the quick sand. Maybe our relationship deserves to implode because it started on a bad foundation. Is there any chance that it can ever be repaired? Can what began as an affair ever become a healthy relationship?? When two people want it to work and work hard at it??What is your advice for me??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2021): Hello OP,
It is quite refreshing for once to have someone who's asked for advice come back and respond to the thread.
You seem like a level-headed person who even responds well to harsh criticism.
I wish the both of you all the best in finding your way together.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2021): Hi male anon. It's the OP.
To answer your question, yes I would still have made the same choices from the moment the relationship started and onwards, and crossing the point of no return with him.
However, I honestly never thought of all of this at the start. I was in the moment with the affair. Although I wanted to be with him full time and in a real relationship vs. a fantasy relationship, I also loved the fantasy relationship. And a part of me did not want to graduate to the wife or full time girlfriend role. I did not think it would come to this. I never thought he would leave his wife. He really surprised me. I was in the shadows for so many years. We have had a rocky road over the past 8 years. Very rocky. And here we are. Still standing. Most affairs would have blown apart a hundred times over by now. Ours ended a few times and we kept finding our way back to each other.
I do love him but I am finding it a colossal task to trust this man. Only because I watched him lie to his wife for many years while maintaining a relationship with me, and doing it so easily. So, now I am going to be his main squeeze and I sincerely hope with all my heart there will never be another ME in this relationship. He is almost 70 years old so I hope he has settled down.
I have always gone over the top sexually for this man but there comes a time when you need to come back to earth. And have sex that is making love and connected, not crazy sex that cannot last. I cannot keep that up. Too much pressure. I have done it all. And I don't think anyone in a long term relationship needs to always feel insecure about sexual performance but as a FORMER mistress, sex was always the centre piece at the table. How do you switch gears? How do you not feel insecure that if you cannot be his fantasy anymore, he will look for someone else? Tough spot. He seems to think the same about me. He thinks that because of our 20 year age difference, he can't keep up and I will find someone younger. Not the case. I think we need counselling to deal with our own individual insecurities as well. When you start off on the highest of highs, it really does put a lot of pressure on people to maintain the high rather than settle comfortably into a regular relationship. I want a regular relationship more than anything but it is hard for me to feel safe being "regular." I was never regular before.
As for the guilt some of the other respondents have mentioned, yes, you are correct. I feel guilty. For being the one who interfered when I could have stayed away from him. He might be married today had he not met me or he might not be married. It could have been someone else. We just do not know these things. But society has this need to crucify people like us. I get it. Well, it is not easy being in these shoes either. Unless you have been swept up by the intensity of an affair, it is difficult to describe. Many well intentioned people aren't planning or premeditating an affair. It usually happens over time. It really is difficult to stop because subconsciously there is a deep need that the affair is filling. Not talking about cheap one night stands. I would not know anything about those. This was my first and only affair and I know it will never happen again for me. I did it for love. I am not trying to make myself into some noble saint, but that is the reason for me.
I am not condoning affairs. As someone who has lived through it, I can tell you with my hand over my heart that affairs are very destructive and you should never enter into one lightly, if at all. It can be wonderful in the early phases but long term there is a lot of damage done. It can be difficult for that damage to be undone for all parties involved. And people don't know that until it is too late. That is because they decided to jump in with both feet without thinking about the repercussions. It is always best to leave a relationship amicably and being honest than starting another and having to be deceitful. That takes a toll. And it sets the tone for the relationship with a foundation of deceit. It is an uphill battle, even when love is present.
Either way, it is a matter of careful what you wish for. And now that I have won the prize, will I be able to live happily ever after with that prize? I guess it could turn out to be very happy or it could implode. There is a risk, like there is a risk in all relationships, only higher here. If we don't work through the baggage, we are doomed. I am trying to be happy but I am still cautious.
I guess I will have to try to change my mind set and try my hardest to trust him, based on the current relationship and not on past demons. I will try my best to make a clean start. If we both do the work (and he is committed to doing the work with me) then maybe we have a chance at succeeding. I am hoping for the best. Thanks for all your answer so far. I think I am just trying to set this straight in my own mind and find a way to have some peace.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 April 2021):
 I'm sorry op but, do you hear that sound? That's the sound of your chickens coming home to roost. You won him by cheating and now you fear you will lose him to cheating (which is not improbable).
You can dress up your affair and try to justify it any way you like, but the bottom line is still that he cheated on his wife, and you enabled him. He should have left his wife if he was not happy and then, after he was divorced, you could have started dating.
It's good that you are going to therapy but I doubt you will ever feel secure with this man because, regardless of how much you love him, you will always doubt his ability to stay faithful.
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (13 April 2021):
 You can't let yourself be happy because..
1) you feel guilty
2) deep down you know that once a cheater always a cheater and if he can do that to someone he loved ( once) and married and with who he had children what's going to stop him from doing that to you when things become "routine"
3) an affair is fun and tempting because it is exciting and fun and offers an escape from everyday problems and realities.......when the affair becomes a relationship it ceases to be as exciting so the dynamic between the two changes!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2021): Cheaters are selfish. All of them. If you stay together, it will not be because of some "great love", but because of some needs/interests you both have.Some men when they get closer to 50 simply get tired of their old ways and for a woman who happens to be there when this occurs, it may seem that she is special. She's not. It may seem that the man has matured. He has not. Personally I wouldn't want to be in that kind of a relationship. Because, this truth seeps into all other aspects. And you never know when this partner will get enough rest and find new strength to start living the life he got used to.How you treat the partner you want to leave is always about you, not about the partner. Your guy is AFRAID of being alone, that's why he never left his wife. He waited for someone to latch onto. Since you have no problem with this, I think you two will be fine.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (13 April 2021):
 You're feeling guilty. Even if it's on a subconscious level. Also, you acknowledge the fact that you don't trust him and you don't feel safe with him. Why? Because you started off as the mistress and you realise that your former position is now open again. You've been promoted and you fear that someone else will fall into your former role. Why do you panic when he does certain things? Because you know what it took to keep you a secret and you know how he would fill those inbetween moments in the past with messages to you and hook ups. Will you ever be able to rest and relax? I think not. No one can guarantee that he will be faithful to you. He wasn't able to do it before so why would he be able to do it now? What if your relationship with him begins to spiral and he goes on autopilot again, surely you'd have no problem with him finding someone new since that's how you seem to somewhat justify the two of you getting together. Cheating is wrong. Since that's how you got him, you should know that the chances of losing him the same way are extremely high. You should also know that building happiness on someone else's tears doesn't work. Both of you tore his family apart. You both done that. He had a responsiblity towards his family and you had a responsibility towards yourself in that finding someone who is available and ready would've been of more value to you in the long run. The two of you ripped multiple lives to shreds and now, somehow, you guys feel as though you deserve this amazing fairy tale with a beautiful ending. That's why you feel guilty, because somewhere within yourself, you know that even if it is attainable (which is unlikely), the two of you don't inherently deserve it after what you've done. There is irreversible damage that everyone involved has to now deal with and work through. Issues that will forever remain whether the two of you find your bits of happiness or not... And for that reason, I think that the two of you are fighting a losing battle. You'll always feel guilty, even if it works out. You'll always feel unsafe even if you get the ring. You'll always wish that it started out differently. You can't escape the past. You can't erase the hurt and the damage and even if you find some sort of happiness together, understand that it took hurting so many people to accomplish that. It will never be as sweet as you want it to be. It will never feel as good as you'd want it to feel because you're an individual with a conscience. Therapy may help, but I don't think that you'll ever trust him 100%. He lied and betrayed a woman that he claimed to love and want in front of God, and the closest of family and friends... He broke a covenant and tore his home apart... What makes you think that you're in a better position to keep him? You're not more capable than his wife was, you just won the prize; a cheating, manipulative, untrustworthy individual capable of hurting those that he claims to love the most. He's done it before, he can do it again. Try therapy and decide whether you're okay with always feeling some type of way or whether your peace is more important to you. You can't build happiness on someone else's tears.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2021): From your post, I find it very difficult to say that the current problem at hand lies with him, or even from a bit of *both* of you.On this one, I see no other way than to say that the issue is entirely with you and your handling of this evolution in the relationship.I think you're having trouble because you had not prepared ahead for this step. You had not anticipated what it would be like to be in uncharted territory.Society has norms, and society has written the book of how marriage is 'supposed' to work. But where you are at, society has not written any 'book' for that, and you must be feeling like you've made yourself very very vulnerable with this step you've taken, because well... you're on your own.I hope the metaphor I am applying connects with you in some way. If so, the question to ask yourself is, had you anticipated ahead of time the weight of not having a book written by society for the situation you were evolving towards, would you still have made the same choices you made from the moment the relationship started and onwards? Would you still have believed he was worth crossing the point of no return with?
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (13 April 2021):
 A classic case of the grass is always greener on the other side, but when you actually get there you find it's not so green after all.
You are feeling this way because you have entered into a new relationship that is built on lies and mistrust.
You see trust is one of the biggest contributing factors that bind a relationship together, without trust then a relationship is sure to breakdown, and there is a serious element of mistrust going on here.
For the pair of you to be together, lies were told, people were hurt, heartbroken, not the best foundation for the start of a new relationship.
He cheated on his wife in the beginning, so you already know that he is capable of cheating, so if he can do it to his wife there is a strong possibility he could do the same to you.
You are finding every reason to mistrust him, you are suspicious and question his every move, even right down to a late text reply. You don't trust him because you know full well what he is capable of.
Try this couple counseling, but personally i'm not sure it will work, you are not going to all of a sudden wipe all the past history of how your relationship started from your memory.
I think either trust him and just get on with your lives. Or if you are going to carry on with this mistrust then maybe its time to walk away from this relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2021): That depends.
Do you have a decent man who never cheated before and found himself lonely and unhappy in a marriage with an incompatible partner or was he always a serial cheater and will continue being a serial cheater?
Many marriages born from affairs work out. I personally know of two. It really depends on the individuals involved. Not everyone is the same. But if you don't decide to trust him, your relationship will fail anyway. You will need to decide if he is worth the risk. And I highly recommend couple's counselling as you will both have much more baggage to work through than the average relationship. I don't think you have a fair shot at success without both of you seeing a therapist.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 April 2021):
 First off, BULLSHIT to your " But we are both taking responsibility for our actions."
No, you are not. You "won" your man and your relationship by stabbing another woman in the back. Doesn't matter HOW bad his marriage was or how horrible the wife was.
If he can cheat on his wife, he can CHEAT on you. Only a matter of time. You are NOT special. No amount of mental gymnastics or counseling can change that.
You don't trust him because you KNOW he isn't trustworthy. A guy who CHEATS on his wife and family. That is who he is.
Can it work? Maybe The likelihood isn't high. 80-85% of relationships/marriages that started as an affair fails. That is higher than the failure rate of marriages that DIDN'T starts out with lies and deceit.
TRY couples counseling and see where it takes you.
IF not, maybe consider he wasn't such a great prize after all.
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