A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody, this is my first time asking something like this, but I guess you can say I'm desperate. I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 5 years, I new I loved her after a few months of being with her at the age of 17. She's amazing, beautiful and loving. She has a good career and my family adore her. I guess my question is about can our relationship survive this? We've had the year from hell. We've both hurt each other in so many ways and taken things to far. Can we forgive and move forward?Il start from the start. Last summer I felt my girlfriend slipping away from me, she didn't want to see me anymore, she had met new friends in her job (qualified as a nurse) and they were into partying. My girlfriends never been a big nightclub or drinking fan, however she soon started doing this every weekend with these girls. I was devastated, I did everything I could to hold on to her. She just wasn't interested. Three times she attempted to break things off with me, twice I convinced her to give us another go, the final time I realised I had to let her go. She had found a whole new life that did not involve me. We spent four months broken up, there wasn't a week that I didn't think about her. At first I was lost but soon, time was a healer. I spent more time with my friends and had a few dates and one night stands. Not that I'm proud of them, but it's something I never did. I did not have wild teenage years as I was always with my girlfriend. I don't regret that at all. I went to contact my girlfriend so many times in this split but didn't as she was the person that chose to leave. Four months after we separated she contacted me. We met up, she told me she missed me, had made a mistake and loved me. She said she had been swept away in this lifestyle she had never experienced. Having a group of girls to party with, shop with and confide in. She thought the single lifestyle with these girls was what she wanted, but she had realised it wasn't. I didn't get straight back with her, I wasn't sure if I did even want that relationship anymore. I loved her, but I now had freedom. Previously she would always cause an argument if I planned to spend time with my friends over her. So I had given my friendships up, I had only now just restored them. I wasn't sure I was ready to go back to that. Two months of dating her and I new I didn't want anyone else to have her. I loved her and she promised she would not go back to the controlling, jealous girlfriend.We spent two months completely happy when I started getting my doubts. I stopped seeing my friends again and started feeling trapped. I doubted that I did want this relationship and thought I had made a mistake. I then did something I will regret for the rest of my life. I started an affair. I have never cheated on anybody before this time. I met an older women on a rare night out and kissed her. I felt guilty for days after but soon this women messaged me via Facebook. She new I had a girlfriend so at first we just messaged as friends, not mentioning our drunken kiss. Then I started to feel myself drift futher from my girlfriend, the arguments started. She wasnt happy that I stopped spending time with her and this made me run futher towards this women. I don't know why or how I did it. I started a sexual relationship with this women, we were texting all the time and I was spending 3/4 nights a week with her and lying to my girlfriend. My girlfriend was upset about me not seeing her and we were arguing every day. I told this women I was going to leave my girlfriend, part of me wanted to but part of me held on. 6 weeks after the affair started we both agreed it had to stop. I wanted to try with my girlfriend, I loved her and I couldn't deny that. This women wanted more and that was not fair on her either, so we had an honest chat and she wished me luck in my relationship. Two weeks later my girlfriend found out. I was devastated, my head was a mess. Me and the women both tried to lie to her, convince her it was just a friendship. I was desperate, I didn't want to lose her. As silly as it sounds but it was that moment I realised how much I truly loved her. It hit me like a punch in the face. This over whelming love for her, to heal her broken heart and never hurt her again. In the end I told her everything. She agreed to try and forgive me. So this is where we are at now. I truly love this girl and I can't even tell you why I did this. I don't know myself why I hurt her so much. I look at her now and realise that everything I've ever wanted is in her. Unfortunately it's taken this horrendous time for me to realise that. It's been 6 weeks since my girlfriend found out, I have done everything I can to try and make things right, and I'm not going to stop until I can. We are happy at the moment, we both have days of sadness but we talk about it, which is something we never used to do. I guess is do you think a relationship can survive this? Purely on love? I truly love her so much and would never ever do this betrayal to any other person again. Is it possible to forget a whole year of a relationship and move forward?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Zimbini  +, writes (3 October 2014):
You broken her heart so it's not going to be easy for her to forgive but you must show her how remorse you are. Otherwise you relationship can still succeed if you both want it to work.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2014): If you love her you don't have to hurt her because that might make her thinks that you don't love her anymore but it can still work all you need to do is to show her how remorse you are and she will forgive you although it won't be easy. Do what you tells you and respect your girlfriend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2014): NO, move on. YOu did the dirty you have eto face the consequences and let her go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2014): Is it really love when an affair is involved ??? No! for somebody to have an affair means they do not love the other person
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2014): Yes, your relationship can survive it. As long as you are both committed to making it work. If you can restrain yourself from being compulsive or vengeful. You had that affair out of shear meanness.
You just have to be sure you're both not caught in a cycle of breaking-up and making-up. That is a repetitive and chronic emotional cycle between some people. Most of the time they both suffer from a bad case of co-dependency and fear of the unknown.
They try to wing-it on their own for a few months, and things get tricky in the real-world; so they convince themselves what they had wasn't so bad. They also ruminate through a lot of good memories, forgetting the hell that broke them apart. Then end-up trading apologies; but they never really fix their problems. Past or present.
People learn how to skirt around their issues and hide their irritation. The reconciliation lasts a few blissful months; until you can't keep up the facade and playing nice anymore. When tension builds-up, and the top blows off the kettle. You're back to square one!
Sit down and decide that you will discuss your fears, explain to each other what you want and need. Listen carefully to each other, and be totally honest. Be committed to improving what you have. That's how you fix a damaged relationship after an affair. Ask, if you want to know what she's thinking, and there is no more guessing. You have to care what she's thinking and feeling. Let her know what you actually want from her, and there are no more games getting in the way. That's how you repair broken trust and earn forgiveness.
You can't stick together for old-time's sake, and pretend nothing ever happened. Disguising your real feelings. Which are self-doubt, and feeling you can't hack it with anybody else. Your weakness tells you it's better to feel safe and be in a familiar place, with a familiar person. It's hard facing the world and dealing with a bunch of strangers. Starting life from scratch. So you run home back to her. With a promise of being new and improved. Wink!Wink!
If this isn't your issue, and you're not just "recycling?" Then go for it. Reconciliations only work when both parties have actually changed their ways. It's not just a couple of apologies exchanged. There actually has to be a series of therapeutic discussions. Heart to heart talks to see how everyone is progressing; and to exchange constructive criticism. You have to shaddup and listen, and take it like a man. You have to give it to her straight. Even if she gets angry; or tries to use emotionalizing and dramatizing to silence the truth. If she doesn't know what she does that bothers you, she'll repeat it. While you pretend it doesn't bother you; but it really pisses you off. You'll bury it, but it's going to resurface at the most inconvenient time. In the worst way! Like an affair? Or nasty words exchanged in a heated argument. Hurtful words you can't take back.
In truth, you didn't break up for one reason. Relationships are complex. and very complicated. If you don't work on it as a whole, something slips through the cracks and comes back to bite you in the ass. No, love is not enough. It will never be perfect, but it should be fit for endurance.
Repentance is fine if you were really sorry for the affair; but you had a lot of weird stuff going on in your brain when you did it. You deliberately wanted to hurt her, that was some bottled-up anger that you needed to get out. Done in secret, lied about; then confessed under pressure. Time-released pain. Sadistic. You felt she had it coming to her. That is the worst way to hurt a woman. Any person.
You did it on purpose my friend. It didn't just happen. You better dig inside and introspect; so whatever devil made you do it, doesn't comeback. Feeling guilt and offering her a confession isn't enough. You've got to exorcise whatever pent-up anger drove you to do it. You got really mean; now suddenly you just love her death. That's odd, don't you think? It wasn't even the sex. It just seems so spiteful.
You know what they say about a woman scorned. Of course you're remorseful and sorry. Just hope she can't top it. You'd be in a world of hurt.
If she is willing to forgive you, and you are willing to make it up in every way? You will survive. Keep a line of communication open. If you have disagreements, try to compromise. Find mutual solutions, so problems don't stack up; and weaken the framework for the bridge you're rebuilding. I hope this all makes sense to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2014): I knew this guy once who had this young girl and one day he wanted to marry her but in mean time he f^^^^d everything that moved. He started out like you, just that one woman, and then it was another and then another and another. Then he finally married his young and cute girlfriend, they had 2 kids, and he kept on f^^^^^g everyone on his way. To this day. If you loved her so much how you say you would never sleep with anyone else. If I were her I would never be with you after what you told her.
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