A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together a year and a half. Previous to me, he had 3 'semi-serious' relationships which each lasted no more than a year. Whilst he was each girl, he text/emailed and flirted with every girl that passed his eye. Whilst with his ex before me, he even had a one night stand and got her pregnant. (He now has a 10 month old son) Ive had access to all his accounts since we were together about 6-7months and ive looked at his history of emailing multiple girls in between the lovey ones with his girlfriends.My boyfriend knows I know of all this and he doesnt seem proud of it. In the first 3 weeks me and him were together he slept with another girl. He has always been the same with girls whilst with me too. Until 3 months ago when i ended it (when i found out about the cheating) and because i felt he should have more respect for me. I think leaving him made him realise what he had and what he was doing. I told him to give me space and he gave me 3 weeks. In those 3 weeks, he went to counselling (has showed me the reciepts) and generally sorted himself out. He has now stated he wants to settle down with me, and in the near future start a family.Can/Has he really changed?
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flirt, his ex, one night stand, player, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, singledad7 +, writes (5 August 2010):
 I was the same way when I was that age but I never let any think otherwise. A boy like that needs years to change. I would let him go if you want a man who is commited.
A
male
reader, Sxy Bad Boy +, writes (4 August 2010):
Despite all his efforts, no matter how much he likes you and wants to change. he can't. He can only make short term strides.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly Thankyou for all your replys. To all the people that asked, He is 24! And @ rescuer, I've only had access to his accounts since 6/7 months and he cheated when we were in the first 3 weeks. But there are no emails, facebook messages etc with her.He must of just called and text her, but hes deleted them texts and calls as I use his phone regulary. And only God knows if he has cheated since, My gut tells me he has many times and my head tells me to ignore it and make ammends. It's just so hard to walk away.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 August 2010):
 Sure people change all the time. If he is about your age he should be transitioning from exploring options to settling down. Unfortunately for you he has been sexually irresponsible. Now there is child support to deal with for the next 17 years.
What I'm saying is that up to 18 or 21 years old it is perfectly fine for a person to date around. But, Sex should be limited to committed relationships. The problems you have had with him have to do with him having casual sex. I think you understand the emotional problems here. Three sessions with a counselor will not make him sexually faithful. He is going to need more help to make the transition. I do believe that he is serious about making that transition. He will probably make some mistakes.
So you have a lot to deal with. An ex fling that he will have to stay in contact with and send money to. She will always know certain things about your life, like where he works and how much he makes. Then there is his past, whenever he glances at a woman you will be thinking is she one of the many? I suppose you have already checked out the medical issues that can arise from a promiscuous lifestyle. Then there is Trust. Which is what you are wondering now. Right now you can only trust him when you are watching him and his accounts. That is appropriate considering his past. It is good that he is willing to share that far.
Trust takes a long time to build up. You should not commit to moving in, or getting married, or having children, until you Trust him enough for each of those. And, you should take things slowly and see how you deal with the baby mama, and any other issues.
He is wrong to expect you to commit so soon after betrayal. You should tell him that you are willing to be faithful to him. That you promise not to look for another relationship for the next year. As long as he is faithful to you in the same way. At that point, you will consider engagement. If he can't wait that long then he is not for real.
As a wrap up comment I'd like to say that while I believe that people can change, and do change, and do grow up, I am also fully aware that people do cheat. Even people who have no history of cheating. You are not foolish to want to trust him. You would be foolish to trust him too much, too soon.
FA
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A
female
reader, alyciaohtwo +, writes (2 August 2010):
Honey...I have only answered 2 or 3 questions on this site but your question just screamed out at me to answer. I just got out of a 3 year on and off relationship with a cheater exactly like yours. In the first month, I caught him cheating and after 4-5 months I left him and he never stopped with the Facebook messages, voice mails, texts, saying he was getting help, I saw this man's TEARS to get me back. I went back...things were great, no cheating/flirting with anyone else for 4-5 months....and slowly, ever so slowly, he slipped back into the same habits and I left him for good and he is still trying to contact me. Hun, there may be some people here who will convince you that people like that can change but the question is - can you really change who you are? Yes and no. Temporary, I can pretend to be someone I'm not...but slowly my true character will start to overpower the old one. Please please leave this man - FOR GOOD. You've probably heard this a billion times, but you deserve better. Much much better. Once a cheater, always a cheater
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): Well first let me embrace you for your maturity. Alot of girls in the 18-22 age range seem to fall for players for some ego satisfaction i cant figure for the life of me.
To answer your question. Yes eventually he will get tired of playing the fool. How old is this guy? If he is in your same age group, then he was just being an average guy trying to satisfy his own ego.
You did the right thing and stepped off on him first. That gave him time to realize that its time to grow up. The fact that he came back to you is a good sign. Now you have to trust him and i know its going to be hard at first. But if he made the choice to patch things up with you, you have to show him that you believe he will behave. If he finds out youre still checking up on him, he'll feel like a little kid and a failure and just go back to his old ways. He'll feel that nothing he does is going to satisfy you. So please, give him that much for now. Doesnt mean you cant do a little snooping, after all, he has a little history of playing the field. But be more discreet. The more he sees you trust him, the more he'll try and make it work
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 August 2010):
 Many guys don't believe in therapy, they go only when their girlfriends tell them to. They feel like their masculinity is threatened when they talk about feelings. A lot of people are able to talk their way out to convince the therapist they changed.
To find out if he really changed, you have to know the basics of psychology and human behavior. What was his background, what issues does he have, what bothers him, what makes him insecure about himself, did he feel attention deprived as a child, etc. Has he reconciled with his lost innocence? Can he love himself?
You never know what would happen in the future. I know you don't want to get hurt again. Real love is about giving people chances and let each other grow. You may become a better person as well because of him. Love goes two ways. Now you have more insight about him. Worrying does no good. There may be conflicts down the road and he may be tempted to do the same old things as before, chatting with different women to make himself feel better. Then you can decide if you can trust him again. Just take it really slowly. No ultimatums. He should feel comfortable talking about his feelings with you and know that everything can be resolved with honest communication.
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A
female
reader, PsILoveYou  +, writes (2 August 2010):
 Yeah, I thinkh he can change, and I think he is taking the first step to being good.
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